appreciate yourself

the parallel world

2006-12-02T14:17:00.000-08:00

Today I passed my 5th kyu test in aikido. After the test, Sensei told me before the whole class, "Anu, I'm very impressed with your rolls. You roll fabulously well now. You should be very proud of yourself for rolling so well."

I've been trying this forward roll for about 6months now. I've broken my finger and toe bones trying to get it right. I also in the process developed a fear of falling as the broken bones were taking time to heal. Plus my left hand has the surgery necessary to do dialysis. They have stiched my veins so that the veins can be pricked with huge 21 guage needles and the dialysis can take place. Now if the surgery gets damaged, I can't take dialysis and then I can't live (according to the doctors). So I've been nervous about falling on my hand during the rolls and hence I've been flopping on the side like a sack of potatoes. I've been practicing the rolls since then very diligently during the dojo sessions.

Today I'm very happy with myself. I'm very proud of my accomplishments. I'm developing more trust in my body and its abilities. I love my aikido practice and presently it gives me the greatest joy on earth and heaven. I love it for the love of doing it. There is a certain delight and glee I feel when I am on the mat.

I'm so comfortable in this world of martial arts, of ninjas and black suits, of climbing trees and flying in the air, of kungfu techniques and aikido rolls, of knights and horses, of samurais and swords...a parallel world in which I live and I'm very happy.

Even though I know I'm not doing it all right and perhaps may never do it right. But is the spirit of it. That spirit runs through my blood. Yes! its in every drop of my blood...runs through my veins...

Incredible experience

2006-11-22T20:58:00.000-08:00

Nikhil is a sweet, young handsome 25 year old boy. He is always smiling and enthusiastic. He is brilliant and a medical student. Since last four years he is undergoing dialysis. He had undergone a transplant 8 months back, his mom gave him her kidney. But about two months ago, he got a pancreatic attack and the kidney failed. So he is back on dialysis. Just about a week ago, I heard that he was put on ventilator in the ICU.

I met his father and he told me that the doctor was doing a simple operation on this guy's pancreas as he was getting frequent pancreatic attacks and something went wrong. Apparently the doctor has admitted that it was his mistake that Nikhil is in the ventilator now with about 20 tubes in his body, having had not a drop of water for 44 days and unable to talk. He was unconscious for over a month. He has just regained consciousness a few days ago.

I went to meet Nikhil on Thusday after my dialysis. The hospital is very strict about patients in the ICU and ventilator. They don’t allow anyone inside. Yet, it seemed like the whole universe wanted me to meet Nikhil. Nikhil’s father was not around so I went to hand over the comic books to the security guard. The guard told me to go in and give it in the ICU counter. I went in and then the sister told me to go ahead and give it to Nikhil himself. I was nervous and as I reached bed no 619 I was breathing deeply. I peered through the curtains and saw Nikhil’s angelic face and he did not look so bad at all. I went and spoke to him and his whole face lit up with joy. He was so excited looking at me that I was hoping the excitement does not affect him adversely.

I had gift wrapped the comic books and with a note: “Get well soon and we’ll have coffee together – with love ” and I showed him this and read it out to him. Then I spoke to him for a few minutes and stroke his hair. And finally when I was leaving, he started to try to reach out to something above the equipment over his head. I saw it was the gift wrapping paper. And he grabbed that with his hands and kept it close to his heart!

I was deeply touched. I kissed him on his cheeks and left. Sometimes I feel glad that I went but sometimes I feel pain and a sinking feeling in my heart. Seeing life so vulnerable, precious and gentle like a little flower…I’m almost afraid to breathe in its presence.…

These lessons are so tough. It is one thing to write poems and all these various theories in the forums. It is another to experience them in such closeness. I’m unable to even discus all this. I just cannot express what I am undergoing right now.

For 3-5 days after meeting Nikhil I felt pain and sufferring, sadness and a sinking feeling in my stomach. I almost wondered why I, at such a young age, had to go through this experience of seeing someone as precious as this boy in such a state. It makes me so discount myself and feel that life is so very unfair and unpredictable.

Then just about two days ago, a friend wrote this to me:
"What a wonderful experience, Anu. It makes me remember "real" life is happening out there; these conversations, groups and get-to-gethers can become so - beside the point -.

You seem to attract wonderfully loving and expansive events into your life. Thanks for the peek into your incredible life."

I read this letter to myself and my whole perception changed. I'm moving in a new direction now. I am not seeing this experience as pain and sufferring anymore. I'm seeing it as a life-moving, mind-blowing experience. It is inspiring, pure, truthful and real...perhaps, far more real than anything else in this world.

The meetings with the world famous personalities, all the biggest and most exciting parties, the most handsome men, all the wealth, abundance, joy and love on one side and this experience of seeing someone you like struggling for life yet doing it with a smile and such a glow in his heart, on the other, I'll still choose this experience.

For the utmost preciousness it offers me. The truth. The purest energy of love and affection. For its sensitivity and gentleness. For the never-give up fighting spirit. I've learnt to appreciate this experience and see the tremendous value in it.

It is not about Nikhil or me or dialysis or the pancreas or the hospital or the tubes or life or death. It is about the feelings..which I felt and the little understandings which I'm absorbing about the subtleness of ourselves. I wish I could express all this better, but I'm at loss for any words to describe my incredible experience. But someday I shall find the right words too.

reversal of the past

2006-11-18T11:09:00.000-08:00

Remember that guy who used to ill-treat me two years ago in my company and I moved out of his department finally. That guy has left this company this month. The people who are handling / taking over his work are clueless about the complicated financial models he has prepared.

I spoke to the new girl and explained her all what I know and handed over to her all my old files and financial models. And all these people are astounded at how much I know about that work.The new girl asked the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) to transfer me to her department. The CFO asked my boss and he refused saying he cannot part with me else my risk-management project will come to a standstill.

And guess what now? The HR head called me today and told me that he’s going to talk to the CFO to suggest him that Anu may take up that guy’s responsibilities and he said he cannot think of anyone who could handle this profile better. So suddenly, everyone wants me everywhere.

I’m feeling I have been really really good then, to make this man so insecure that he had to resort to mentally torture me to save his position.
Who would have thought three years ago, that this very girl may be asked by very many people in the top management of the company to take up the very position from which she was removed. Everything in my life is reversing. I got my freedom to live. I got out of that traumatic relationship. I’m getting back that very position which I had to leave.

Now it feels like those bitter memories too will be replaced by pleasant memories as it feels like I’m reversing the past. Going back to the same profile but this time with greater responsibilities and with information freely available to me, cooperation, people wanting me and waiting to take me in their team…as opposed to a time of information hijacking, insecurity, lies, hatred, intense politics and mental and physical torture.

I also feel that maybe…my kidneys may heal when I handle the same profile but this time perform effortlessly with joy and appreciation. I’ll reverse my past!

Right now it feels like
no dream will ever remain unfulfilled
no desire will ever remain unanswered
no tear goes unnoticed and no effort wasted
the hills are alive and so are we
each moment is fresh and waiting to happen
and there will be garbage like situations all around
but it is upto us to light mud lamps in it
and glow in our own acceptance and appreciations.

the Porsche

2006-11-08T11:15:00.000-08:00

I've always been taught since childhood the virtues of being simple and humble. Perhaps that is one of the reasons I've not had many desires. But maybe that is also one of the reasons I've been really desperate with the ones I have. I'm just wanting those wants to happen and manifest in my reality so badly, for those are the only ones I've 'allowed' myself to ask from myself.

I've been quiet in the last few days, hardly posting anything anywhere because I've been thinking. I've as a result uncovered some beliefs about myself which I did not know. Once we notice the beliefs we're acting on, it uncovers a lot of information about ourselves to us. And this is the begining of a change in a new direction.

Now as a result of this trying to understand myself syndrome, some changes are happenning inside of me is what I gather.

Today morning when I woke up from sleep and switched on my computer, I saw this amazing wallpaper on the desktop.
A Porsche...and she looked so breath-takingly beautiful. I could not take my eyes off her. And for the first time in my life, for the very first time, I thought to myself, "Hey, I should have that car. The Porsche would look so good with anu seated on her lap."

I felt this magical feeling from this want. The energy felt so pure and fulfilling unlike my past experiences where my desires have always generated desperate, foreceful and discontentment feelings in the present. This time I feel empowered to go and fulfill my desire. As if I was telling myself, "Its parked right there anu, your Porsche, come and drive it away."

It feels lovely and wonderful to have desires especially when it feels like you're desired item is just made for you and is waiting for you. Something in me is changing. Perhaps I'm begining to allow myself to recognise my desires and reach out for them.

I don't know much about cars. But I love this car. I love that I've this desire to ride in it and that it feels so strong as if I already have the Porsche. It is making me extremely happy and joyful. The Porsche itself seems to say to me that she will delighted to carry me in her arms around. I don't know how I can do this. She will probably be costing a bomb. But right now that does not seem to matter to me. I'm not thinking of the hows or whys or whens, it just feels like my desire is just waiting to manifest...

and I'm feeling, very soon..I'm going to drive this Porsche away...

Presentations!

2006-11-01T22:06:00.000-08:00

I've been quite busy these days. I've been working on the budget of my department. Perhaps tommorrow I'll have to present that to my immediate boss and his boss (the CFO). My boss is insisting on putting in all kinds of capital expenditure to implement the project in my company through automation. While this is a very proactive measure, I'm not quite sure of the outcome of this budget meeting. I'm SURE the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) is not going to sanction this budget. He does not have the powers to do so. Neither is the COO (Chief Operationg Officer) going to sanction this as he has other priorities.

So I am wondering if it may be a better idea to just create a realistic budget and get it wholly approved instead of presenting something for the 'heck' of it and have it shot down totally. I've tried discussing this with my boss, but he seems to be so kicked with this idea that he is not willing to listen. My fears are that in the hopes of getting 100% approval (which is not going to happen anyways) we might get nothing at all. Anyways I'll try to state this to my boss again tommorrow as I feel he is pushing it too far. But finally it is going to be his call. But I am already feeling embarrassed to do something I'm not convinced about - create and present the budget with expenditures that I know are not going to be sanctioned by the management. I'm not comfortable with this. I'm not confident presenting something for which I know the answer is going to be NO.

The following week, some americans from our parent company are visiting us for some discussions. The CFO has asked me to make a presentation to them about what we are doing in India. I've got to work on that. What a coincidence that today I got to attend a training programme on 'Presentation Skills'. The CFO had nominated me and two other girls from the department for it. The other two girls dropped out saying they had work to do. I went! I love training programs. And I generally learn something from it. I enjoyed it. I told them the garbage and mud lamp story in my presentation (topic of your choice) and the concept was well appreciated. I got some tips too on improvements - to be more structured and less dramatic (lol) and be focussed in the topic.

the dance

2006-10-28T12:41:00.000-07:00

I've joined a dance class. I feel I love dancing. But I am so stiff in public and can barely move except like a block of wood. Yet I see images of myself dancing all night and day. Many-a-times I've stood up to imitate what I saw in my mind, but I'm unable to move at all. It feels like I've just forzen myself.

Yet everytime the music plays, I see images of myself dancing once again. But when I stand up to shake a leg, I do a really lousy job.

So I've joined dance classes. These classes are every saturday or for that matter every holiday. Sometimes they may be also held at nights..late nights. These classes are held in my own little bedroom. Where I have not much space. And I move about alone in my own little space back and forth.

Sometimes I lie on my bed which is adjacent to the window and look up at the green leaves and the trees. The dancing leaves are my dance teachers. I put on the music and watch the leaves dance. Depending on the music, they move so differently. I stare at their dance performance for long still lying on my bed. I then get up and dance to the same songs taking my steps from the dancing green leaves...my dearest lovely dance teachers.

And at night, I drown into my music and let myself loose getting totally mesmerised by the magic of song and dance. I go into a love-ly, light state of mind and just get up and move in my over-sized blue night gowns. Letting the soft breeze kiss me here and there. Let the (k)night be my dance partner. The stars sparkle through my dark brown eyes. Let the naughty wind knot my black long hair.

And when I've danced just enough to feel really full-filled and overflowing with boundless beautiful energy, I let myself fall into the arms of the lovely hard bed and fall asleep peacefully.

Garbage lit up with mud lamps

2006-10-22T22:08:00.000-07:00

Its been such a wonderful week. I've been in festive mood. This saturday was Diwali, the festival of lights. And this wednesday will be Id. Festive seasons are so marvellous, aren't they? There is this fantastic spirit and enthusiasm everywhere. I've seen, experienced some really beautiful moments this week.

I pass through some of the most poorest localities. And in those polluted, crowded streets with traffic jams, I felt as if I'm learning some of the most valuable lessons of acceptance, joy, beauty and bliss.

I see people all around me doing what they can, with what they have and just being happy. There are lights and lanterns all around. Shops selling fire-crackers, sweets. I pass through some muslim localities and I see them all in the festive moods. Buying stuff, embracing each other. To me, I would feel, how can anyone live here? It is so stinky and messy and crowded. But then they dont percieve this as lack and bad. To them they are glad in this moment and happy.

I saw a garbage dealer on a lonely deserted pitch dark road, light a little mud lamp and place it in between the stinky yucky garbage. It changed my perception of garbage. It suddenly seemed to glow in that little light shining in the darkness. Garbage also has life. It was my perception of it which made me feel it is yucky and stinky. Now when I saw it in a the light of the little mud lamp, I could not smell its stench.

Earlier I had felt like, I want to reach out and comfort in situations like this. But then when I saw just a little more clearly I found that perhaps, the beauty is in his acceptance of what he is creating and (trying to) enjoy his creations. There was a certain bliss he portrayed like as if in his lack he found a little abundance in the mud lamp. His spirt and enthusiasm was so contagious, it spread to me and filled my heart

I'm learning to see abundance even in my lack. I realise then that there is no lack, there is no black, there is just joy and gladness. We have choices on what we want to focus on.

The things life teaches me through these little scenes absolutely astounds me . And every bit of this is real. To know that life, light and love graces everyone, it makes no comparisons and it has no favorites, makes me feel so beautiful.

spirit of aikido

2006-10-15T20:11:00.000-07:00

In yesterday's aikido class, there were just five students. No matter that there are just five or fifteen students, Sensei seems to be as enthusiastic as ever. He is simply so passionate about this art! I've never experienced that he is in town and yet asks anyone else to hold a session. He smiles while executing techniques, he puts us at ease when we are being his opponent. He is far from the most perfect trainer / master. But he is so authentic and real. He puts in all that he has in every class. Every class he brings his teacher O-Sensei's picture and places it carefully on a stand from the gym. I remember him telling me when I was new and I asked him what should I address him as? And he said "oh, call me by my first name!" He is one of the coolest guys I've ever known. I have tremendous respect and affection for my teacher.

Sometimes after class some student asks Sensei a question. And we all sit around him and Sensei talks. These talks include stories of his masters, his beliefs and his learnings. I listen to Sensei with rapt attention, sometimes even without battling an eyelid. Yesterday was one such day. B asked Sensei about Khokidoze (I've still not figured how these Japanese words are pronounced). And in his explanations, Sensei said something wonderful which I understand and interpret in this manner -

"when we come to the class to practice, we try and empty our mind of all thoughts. The moment we step on the mat, we leave all our fears, insecurities, dissapointments, frustrations, successes, failures, highs and lows outside. We walk in with an empty mind. We have no preconceived notions. Every single class, no matter what be our rank, we still hold a begniner's mind. That is perhaps the only way to learn and grow. Today when I call upon any of you to be the Uke (the defendent) to execute a technique to the class, I ask you to grab myself and I can feel the tension in your hands. You guys hold me so tight that it feels like you'd gladly crush me to the last drop of my blood. But aikido (and for that matter life) works, when you are relaxed. Because that is when you are in tune with yourself. When you are relaxed, you are not at the mercy of your attacker. When you stand stiff refusing to budge, if your opponent is really strong, you might end up with broken bones. But if you are relaxed, you'd let him throw you. You'll take a fall. There is no shame in falling. And is it really a fall, for that matter? When you stand stiff, you just have your two legs balancing you. When you take a fall, when you let go and relax...you fall into the arms of earth. Now you are not alone anymore. You have the entire earth with you. It is you and earth against me. And I dont think, no matter how hard I've trained, I can beat you to that!"

The same principles, perhaps applies in life also. Having a kidney disease is not a failure. Having no prince charming to wake you up with a kiss in the morning does not mean that you are incomplete. Having no great job does not mean that life is not working. Having a hard time, does not mean that one must be unhappy.

Like Sensei said yesterday, "So what if you are good at aikido? So what if you are not! It dosen't matter. Perhaps it matters only to the ego. But it does not matter to the real and authentic self. You could spend years trying to master a technique and yet do it all wrong. And you could get it on day One and brag about it. It does not matter either ways. If anything matters, it is are you having fun doing it? Is this process enjoyable to you? Are you passionate about it? Do you wonder about the mystery and magic in it and are you mystified in the millions of possibilities aikido or life can offer you? If yes, then you've already mastered the art. If not, it matters not what Dan (rank) you are, you're wasting your time."

It is the process that matters. Not the outcome. The outcome or the endpoint I crave for so desperately, is in fact 'not there'. It is an illusion. There is no end. One universe expands into another and another and is ever expanding, over boundless milky ways. If only I can learn to fully appreciate and enjoy the process and not worry or brood about the outcome...perhaps I'll be really living...I'll be really alive and happenning! Just being alive is the biggest miracle and wonder of all. I should not need anything else to sustain myself.

Perhaps it is in that spirit that, no matter that I am the weakest student in my class, I still land up there for every session. No matter I'm still struggling after six months to still get my rolls right and that I've already broken my finger and toe bones, I'm still excited to fall. I never miss a single class. Whether I have my periods, or a fever or I've skipped dialysis or that I've to travel for one hour to reach my class, I'm still there on the mat ready for my experience of the day. I'm ready to give life a chance. I'm ready to take a chance and follow my heart. I'm ready for the experience...pure, innocent, mindblowing experiences...inspite and despite of everything else!

friday!

2006-10-14T10:51:00.000-07:00

The guy who used to ill-treat and abuse me at work (when I used to be a part of his team two years ago) has put in his papers. One of the reasons my kidneys failed is because I could not handle the stress and strain of this guy then and I had stopped eating food and drinking water. All I used to do was work, work and work!!

Today the new girl M, reporting to him (she joined a month ago) was confiding in me that this guy was so filled with negativity and he actually brain-washed her yesterday. He told her that she will be needing to fudge figures and create falsified accounts to win laurels. Further, she will have to present a very rosy picture of how the company is doing to the management. She will have to lick asses and feed egos. He further said, he is kind enough to tell her these things and many others would have just left her in the lerch. Having said all this, he has not given her any hand-over and is not sharing any information with her. She says there is something so very sadistic about him, he is so humiliating that she feels sick in her stomach to even think that she'll have to go to take over from him!!! Further he is spreading news all around about the company's performance as he has access to all confidential financial data of the company. This is so very unprofessional. It is surely an unpardonable mistake!

This was the same situation, about two years ago. When finally I said I'm going to write to the parent company about harrassment and I was reluctantly moved out from his team. Today I listened to a similar story from M. If there is one thing I can't figure, it is that why are some of the assholes at the top so scared and spineless!!!

But I'm glad glad glad that this guy is leaving. I can't wait for him to go. We three girls, (two girls from his team and myself) are Chartered Accountants and perhaps, I shall speak to them on Monday and we shall hold meetings among the three of us to share information and discuss things so that we can start to frame strategies and work in the direction to the benefit of our company.

On the lighter side, I saw a beautiful big pink ball of sun waiting for me when I walked out of office yesterday. It was such a pretty sight that I was tempted to stand there and stare till the ball dissapears. The sun was of course blushing seeing that I could not take my eyes off him and the color of his cheeks spread all over the sky making the sky rosy pink. What a magnificient sight. I slept dreaming of the sun and myself gliding through the rosy pink sky. What a wonderful Friday I've created...

the most priceless moment

2006-10-07T22:00:00.000-07:00

There are times when I cry. There are times when I am utterly lonely. And there are times when I am helpless. And those times bring so much pain and desperation in my eyes an d heart that I wonder if they will ever pass.

But you know? I feel the sheer pain in those moments not becoz of the moment by itself. The moment like all moments is wonderfully silent, sure of itself, magical and wondrous. It is generous, giving, self-fulfilling and with all promises.

Then what goes wrong, anu? I wonder!

Perhaps I am not in the moment at all. I am feeling the pain living in either the past or feeling anxious due to the insecurity of my anticipations in the future.

The pain is not bad! The pain is not to be detested and cursed. The pain is not to be run awayed from. The pain is a communication from my self to me.

Why is the pain there? Perhaps I am trying to say something to myself through the emotion of pain, the communication.

Why does it need to be so painful? Perhaps I want to bring something to my own notice.

Why, won't I listen if I say it in love? Perhaps I have tried to say it in love but I have not listened to myself. Hence the pain.

So what must I do now? Listen to myself. Listen to my body. Hear my soul out. Quieten myself.

How may I do that? By living in the NOW. In the moment in the present.

Why should I live in the present? So that I am no longer pained.

And what may happen if I live in the present? When I live in the present, I am aware of what I am doing. I am conscious of my choices. I create my own reality.

When we live in the moment we are living in the NOW. We are not bound by the past neither by the future.

In that moment we create our own world, in a new fresh way. Flowers live in the moment. The star sparkles just for a moment in a moment. The birds fly flapping one wing at a time a moment. Fishes swim in the moment. The single blade of grass itself stands tall without any support in just a little moment.

Perhaps, we might be totally transformed if we live in each and every moment. Perhaps, we might unleash our unknown, unseen strengths and powers. Perhaps, we might astound ourselves!

I'm going to try and live in such a moment. Emerald Eyes (http://thisisthecatsmeow.blogspot.com/) is going to live in such a moment.

What about you? Would you like to join us?

We are waiting here with open arms..with the most priceless moment for you...it has a name, you know. It is fondly called "the now".

oh to be sick is wonderful..

2006-10-06T04:38:00.000-07:00

I've been unwell since this tuesday. I haven't reported to work too since then. I had a bad cold which used to give me burning tempretures which don't show so much in the thermometers.

But I just realised today there is something so wonderful about being unwell. Perhaps I'm crazy to say so. Perhaps I'm glad to be crazy also.

You see, I've been very tired, weak and sickly for the last two days. Normally I would fight my feeling of dis ease by struggling to do things with great effort. Like reporting to work, getting mentally stressed about the probabilities of not being able to complete my tasks, sniffing coughing away all throughout the day and taking in compliments given by people as to 'how so sick I am, poor me!' Further I'd venture out in the pollution and traffic and let them both irritate me to no avil. I'd be unable to eat nice hot simple food being at work and I'd end up eating something which further does not agree with me. I'd be late to arrive home and be tired and get hardly any rest.

This time I was quite different. When I was at work on Tuesday I realised I'm sniffing and my cold has aggravated due to the A.C at work and the hospital visit the previous day. I wasted no time. Probably I was not interested, probably I was indifferent. I dont know what it was. But I actually went up to my boss and told him I'm unwell and I want to leave for home to sleep and rest. The next day I'd been scheduled for dialysis. I know the A.C is so powerful there that I'm going to be sufferring for the whole of 5hours and noone, absolutely noone would help me except that they may be only too willing to give me injections or medications. So i just skipped dialysis. I told them I'm not coming. Normally patients are SO scared to skip any dialysis at all as the doctors have terrified them saying 'they'll die if they do so'. Perhaps I was even ready to die, I dont know but I just didnt go.

I stayed at home. My net was down for an entire 24hrs. All I did was sleep, eat simple food, do pranayam (breathing exercises), watch the garden, count the butterflies I see, read the couple of children's books I'd purchased again and again and oh yes! watch cartoons...loney tunes (bugs bunny rabbit being my favorite). Oh and I'd switched off my cell phone (by mistake).

Today when I woke up in the morning, I was feeling quite lovely. I was feeling refreshed and very energetic and enthusiastic. It felt like my body had been kissing the toxins out through the heat I'd been burning in during the past few days. So I sat here wondering the delightfully fresh lively feeling I'm basking in right now.

I'm feeling that it is really wonderful to be sick. For if I just accept it and not fight it, then I realise that being sick is not bad. It is a way in which the body relaxes, sits back and takes a little vacation. The mind relaxes. Becomes a little child. There is nothing to be done. Nowhere to go. Nothing to be accomplished. No dreams to be fulfilled. No wishes waiting to be granted. No skies to be reached. Without having anything and perhaps only a body (that too quite sickly), somehow there is a feeling of abundance and vitality, as the body cleanses itself.

the fire in heat of my body burns the unforgettables of the past,
the waves in my tears wash away the hurts and pains,
the headspinning headache spins my self into a transition to a new level,
the purity in my food and water weeds out the adulteration of my heavy thoughts,
the cramps in my stomach strangles the sickly hidden frustrations,
the sleep in my drooping eyes, urges me to forgive myself and everyone else

Sick is a way to wellbeing. A normal natural body mechanism to restore balance. Being sick perhaps means we are just almost close to a newer level of wellbeing. Just about to merge with a newer consciousness. We are in transiton. And such a transition I've felt in the last few days...

a day at home

2006-10-04T13:19:00.000-07:00

I'm a little unwell. Down with a bad cold which is making mybody hot but when I checked with the thermometer, there was no tempreture. I could not work at work yesterday due to the intensity of the A.C. And I decided I don't want my condition aggravated by going to work again today as the A.C. is centralised and they wouldn't be able to reduce its force just for me.

This is so strange. The week before last, I went for a picnic and got wet in the rains for 7hours and I was perfectly fine. Infact I was all chirpy, happy and bubbling with enthusiasm. In contrast, this Sunday I oiled my hair and took bath in the evening, while there were heavy rains, thunder and lightening outside. The next day the cold tempreture in the hospital presented me a bad cold.

I am sure there is something so magical about nature. Nothing ever goes wrong with her. And even if it does, she seems pretty much in sink with what is happenning to her. I'm hoping some day the trees and butterflies would talk to me. For now, I'm the one who is doing both the talking and the replying. [wink]

I'll perhaps go and sit near the windowand listen to the crows and sparrows. And then maybe take a hot water bath, eat my lunch and fall sleep reading my story books.

Pata

2006-10-01T23:22:00.000-07:00

My grandfather before he died (about two years ago through Parkinson's disease) he used to be everyday chanting mantras, vedas and shastras, keeping my image in mind, praying for my health. I wish I had spent more time with him. I had just been diagnosed with a kidney failure and I was in a relationship and between the two of them, I was totally confused. I did not visit him as I could not bear to see him in pain. I did not know how to handle pain then. I would run away from it always.

Two days before he died, I met him and he said "Anu, you are meeting me after one year, aren't you?" I can never forget that line. So much my grandfather missed me. I was SO stupid and selfish. I am in such deep pain and guilt when I think of this. I almost start to cry.

Even when he died, I did not cry. I pretended he was alive as I felt I would be shatterred if the one man who loved me most died!

I'm still pretending. But once in a while, when some friend innocently and loving asks things and I remember him, I momentarily let myself expreience the feeling of pain.

But now, my grandmother is very old and misses my grandfather. Every week no matter what happens, I visit her on Saturdays. I listen to her...all stories of her aches and pains. I talk to her about grandfather and I know she waits for the entire week for my visit. I know she adores me and I love her a LOT. I'll give her all the love I have.

Grandfather has told me many mythological stories of bravery and goodness, magic and mystic and also old Indian fables of Panchatantra (based on animals and birds, which I love) and Aesop tales. I'll post some of them in the future and also some wonderful chants with meanings.

I used to call my Grandfather 'Pata' which meant 'Grandpa'. This is not a word in my native language, I created it as that was all I could pronounce as a kid and all my cousins followed me in that.

in harmony once again

2006-09-30T13:51:00.000-07:00

I was just getting mighty irritated with my colleague yesterday(Friday evening) when my boss dumped some of his work on me as he wasworking on another assignment. And yesterday evening when I saw mycolleague and he came to talk to me smilingly, I did not talk to himproperly as I could not help it. I was angry and I just ignored him.

But this anger and irritation had taken me away from my center and Iwas feeling the disconnect, the discomfort. I had been trying thebalance of the day to get back into my center but I just was so angryI wanted to be mean and hurt him, it seemed like that was the onlything which may give me satisfaction. So I sat in silence totallyinto my work, and worked like a dog the whole day.

When I was going back home, I'm still tryng to work these feelings inmy head. I was thinking what a lovely long weekend I have and I mayprobably ruin it with my own irritation. Just then out of the blue, Iremembered my (late) Grandfather.

I told my Grandfather with all emotions what had happenned(in mymind, I felt like he was really there listening to me). He then toldme that, "Come on Anu, it is just a two more departments you have todo isn't it? And you are SO good at what you do. It's not going totake you time. Don't be mean or rude or unkind. Just accept it. Dontresist it. You don't want this to spoil your weekend, don't you?.."And there are some other things he told me, which I don't quietremember now. He was so lovingly telling me these things that I gotso easily calm and centered in myself.

My anger, resistance and irritation which I'd been working on for thewhole day yesterday just disintegrated into thin air, even as I wastalking. It had something to do with the warmth and love which myGrandfather gave me and the wise words which he spoke made me SObelieve in him and listen to him. I suddenly realised I'm back to myold own cheerful bubbly spirited self and I thought about mycolleague and a smile broke out of my face. The irritations andresistance feelings were GONE and there was a certain 'allowing'replacing it.

Probably, Grandfather was my own voice. But I knew, he would havesaid exactly those words. He would not let me brood or fret over theissue. It would be so irrelevant and insignificiant for him.

I'm so glad to be in harmony again. I could do 7 moredepartments easily in this state of mind LOL! Do it in utterpleasure, joy and excitement topped with spontaineity and enthusiasm.And what's more...I'd be enjoying myself too in that process :)

the enchanted garden

2006-09-27T10:51:00.000-07:00

My friend 'E' suggested to me this exercise of going into a healing chamber and visulaizing myself getting healed - emotinally, physically, mentally, pscyhically, spiritually...

So I created my healing chamber in my mind's eye. Last thusday during dialysis, as I was drifting off to sleep, I consciously visualised my healing chamber. My healing chamber was an open forest. With lots of trees towering to reach the clouds, wild creepers, sweet scented flowers, a lake right in the middle, rabbits running around and swans floating blissfully in the lake. It was night time and the silver full moon was shining brightly. I could see its reflection in the clear ripple-free waters of the lake. The grass was sweet and so soft, it felt like the smoothest carpet in the world. There were colorful butterflies dancing around. Roses and sunflowers and lotuses of red, pink and white colors in the lake. It was a wishful garden, where the moment you wished for anything, a golden flower would bloom and gold and silver dust particles would fill the air with its fragrance and you're wish is fulfilled immediately. What ever your intention is, IS manifested almost instantly. There are talking birds flying around - robins, parrots, crows, pigeons, singing mynas, sparrows and cranes. The birds, animals, trees, butterflies and even fishes talk to you in the language you talk to them. The lake had the sweetest water on earth and not only quenched the thirst, it also had enormous healing powers, it could heal any bruise, wound or stab or virtually anything, broken bones are healed, limbs grow and chronic incurable diseases are healed instantly when a few drops of the lake's sweet water are given to any person.

An absolutely enchanted garden I created!

Today just when I was about to get dressed (I'd just come from my bath), I felt something pulling on my lower abdomen. It felt like I had deep cramps and all the muscles of my lower abdomen (just above the navel) were pulling so vigorously, I could barely sit still. I hurridly put on my long flowing night gown and lay down on the bed. I was curled up like a worm and could not move, so pretty severe was the feeling. I dont know if it was acidity or cramps or something else. But it was pretty unberabale at that moment.

As I lay down, unable to even talk but with tears flowing from my eyes. I remembered my enchanted garden. I was so distracted, I could barely think of it. I persisted. I asked myself what am I communicating to myself through this severe cramps/acidity above the navel. I remembered that the sexual organ centre was 'orange' and a coincidence I was wearing an orangish red night gown. And the pain was just above the navel. I told myself that I must listen to my body. If I try to listen to it sincerely, the message will come across and then the pain will automatically stop.

I almost forced myself to go into my enchanted garden, as my eyes closed. I visualized myself lying down on the banks of my beautiful garden. I could see the reflection of the moon on the lake. I could see the creepers and the tall trees bending over me. The little tiny butterflies flutterring around me. I almost instantly felt better and the pain 'seemed' to reduce a bit. The a rabbit came to me with some of the healing sweet water from the lake and I drank it from its white furry hands. A beautiful white swan who had been watching me all this while, swam to the banks where I was laying and inserted his beak in my mouth and I felt sweet pure water flow into my throat again. I felt safe and calm in my enchanted garden. The cramps and pain seemed to be decreasing and I was falling asleep.

In about 20 mts., I was awakened by my father saying I had a call. When I reluctantly opened my eyes, the pain was GONE! The cramps were no longer there. I couldn't believe it! It just took about 20mts of healing in my enchanted garden to relieve me of the excruciating pain I was feeling. My Dad asked me 'how are you feeling now?" And I told him, "I'm in my magical enchanted garden and my pain has gone. I'm perfectly alright now." My Dad of course, did not believe me and just went away.

I was so drowsy I slept till 1pm in the afternoon. Thank you my lovely wonderful enchanted garden, my healing chamber. I'm having new hopes, stronger faiths in my own healings now!

Ugliness

2006-09-26T21:08:00.000-07:00

A friend told me, "Anu, see beauty in beauty and beauty in ugliness too."

And I was thinking...Ugliness is so beautiful isnt it?

It never needs to be special. It is always alone yet so cool and centered in itself.

It knows beauty takes the limelight and it may be severely judged despite everything. Yet it just is being itself. It does not mind being the second runner up.

Sometimes it does not even mind being a loser.

Such is the beauty of ugliness...ohhhh how beautiful is ugliness!

Seeing beauty in ugliness may be like being glad when you have to feel bad, laughing when you should be crying, trying to stand up when you have had a fall and smiling wide even if you know you won't get one back in return.

Ugliness may also mean dirty, smelly, ugly, hatred, frustrated, dissapointed, irritated sides of US which we are not ready to accept. But these sides do exist and like little children with running noses and muddy clothes, they too vie for our attention and appreciation.

Seeing the beauty in ugliness may also mean accepting all sides of ourselves. By not discounting ourselves. Instead by appreciating ourselves. When we appreciate ourselves, we eleviate ourselves and then we are like a beautiful bubble which can float anywhere like a snow white cloud gladdenning the hearts which look up to the sky for a miracle!

someone special in my life...

2006-09-23T23:26:00.000-07:00

I'm so sorry for not posting so long..I've been celebrating my b-day from last thusday till date..lol and the celebrations are going to continue..till I find some other reason to celebrate life!

This year I did not want to wait for someone to make me feel special...especially a significiant other. This year I had no boy-friend to send me red roses. This year there were going to be no romantic conversations and long phone calls. This year there was going to be noone to whisper sweet nothings in my year and kiss me to bed.

BUT, this year there was someone special in my life. This year there was me. And I decided (unconsiously) to make my day/s special for myself.

I went shopping alone for my b-day dress. I purchased a nice tight black blouse. Later when I was cleaning my closet at home, I found a new skirt (lovely super thin black-beige skirt) which I had purchased from malaysia last year but never worn. I wore that combination and I looked absolutely gorgeous! I got so many compliments and I felt so easy with the super thin skirt and the tight blouse.

To begin with I distributed cakes at the dialysis ward on last thusday...with all the nurses, technicians, patients who come for treatment. On Friday, when I was returning from work, with black forest cakes I saw my computer guys working late so I visited them and gave them the cakes. Then when I was paying the rick guy, I thought why shouldn't he have the 1/2 kg choclate cake I have purchased? So then I gave it to him. On Saturday (my birthday), I cut a big choclate cake at home and a huge flower bouquet arrived from my parents and my sister. In the afternoon I was busy recieving greetings and wishes from friends abroad. In the evening, I took many croissonts choclate pastries to my martial arts class. My sensei and the guys enjoyed it a lot. On Sunday, I went with a big choclate cake to grandmom's place and I cut the cake there and celebrated with my cousins, uncle, aunt and my beautiful grandmother. My cousin bro gave me a lovely tea-green blouse and I wore that. On Monday, I got the boquet from my company, which is given to every employee on their b-day. On Tuesday, I cut a huge black forest cake with another girl in my team (whose birthday it was on tuesday) and we invited all the bosses and colleagues for the party and it was great fun. On Wenesday, I gave cakes to the two maids who keep the loo clean and who are extremely fond of me. The next day, they brought two little gifts for me too..a little show-piece and a little choclate bar. On Thusday, I was just very happy as the muslim uncle's blood pressure had dropped and he refused to be taken to the ICU. He said he wants to look at my face. When I went to meet him, he spoke for a few seconds to me. The doctor then took his blood pressure and he said "perfect 120/80". Gosh! this seemed like magic to me and I was just so glad. On Friday, we had a party(friday happy hours) at work and I was busy singing with my team so that was fun. On Saturday (today), I have just come back from the most magnificient picnic of my life!

So you see...I've made my days special! I've been gifting myself by gifting others. Feeling glad by spreading gladness around me..in whatever ways..sometimes smiles, sometimes cakes, sometimes laughter. The funny thing about this is...it comes back to you tenfold!

This b-day I also went up to people who I like/love/adore and I told them that today is my b-day and it won't do if you just wish me, I want you to give me a nice tight hug! Be it the super boss of my company (who I totally adore) or my colleagues at work, or my cousin brother. For the very first time, I was so relaxed when hugged and I felt really really good. And what's more I gave a nice tight hug oozing with love back!

Thank you friends, for wishing me, being with me through my laughter and tears. Thank you for the lovely cards and personal mails. Thanks wdky for making me feel SO special by wishing me happy b-day on your blog on my b-day. It just thrilled me SO much. I'm still awaiting a lovely magical mystical gift, I'm yet to recieve from someone I totally adore and am SO crazy about!

How lovely that my day became so special that I'm still celebrating the spirit of my b-day till now. This must've been the longest b-day celebration ever! The most loveliest too. And the most simplest.

Well..that's how the b-days are when you are with butterflies, blue skies, green moss, golden suns and moonbeams. You dance in estacy all the while. Drunk without drinking. Walking in air. Floating in the clouds. Being kissed by flowers and hugged by the soft breeze. The parties are organised by invisible fairies and blessings are showered by angels with silver wings. Stars are lit up to brigthen the nights and the navy blue ocean sings the sweetest songs with its musical insturments, the waves.

Sometimes when you feel you're going to be all alone, the whole universe celebrates with you!
And sometimes you spend all your life searching for someone special only to realise that, that special person is you, yourself.

the magic brush

2006-09-16T00:52:00.000-07:00

Rapunzel, the beautiful long long haired girl, was sitting sadly all alone with her dragon and rabbit friends in the tall tower. The witch had crushed her paintings and paint brushes into pieces. Rapunzel went to sleep with a tear in her eye. She was awakened in the middle of the night though. She went to the only window of the tall tower and saw the twinkling stars smiling at her and the lovely moon gazing at her face turning her skin silver. She thought, "The moon is also alone like me, but not lonely. Maybe I'll ask the moon and stars to sleep with me tonight." Saying this to herself, she went to bed with a smile on her face.

When she awoke she saw a silver paint brush with bright stars on it. It looked so much more lovelier than the dry, withered, wood brush she had. Excited she dipped her new brush in the blue paint. She went to the wall and painted...and it looked like the sky.She dipped her brush again in green paint, and painted...this time it became the green leaves and trees.

The Dragon and the rabbit asked her, it looks so real, it has never looked so lovelier before. And she has hardly moved her brush and its there on the wall!!! Rapunzel said, "the paint brush seems to be reading her intentions". Whatever she seems to desire, manifests...effortlessly.

Rapunzel placed her hand on the wall and it almost went inside. Soon Rapunzel, her friends - the Dragon and the Rabbit realised that it was all real on the wall. The sky, the trees, the leaves, the waterfall and the kingdoms. Rapunzel had a magic brush!!! Whatever she holds in her mind as her desire, her intention....will become reality.

I see such a Rapunzel in myself. Breaking through from one dimension into another. Everytime I think of this fairy tale, I'm reminded of the Rapunzel in me breaking free of limiting beliefs, with my magic brush.

I have one too. It is silver in color too and has stars at the end. It resides in my heart. It paints my world with the colors of my heart. Sometimes I've lovely bright vibrant colors, sometimes shades of grey, sometimes pitch black and oh yes, sometimes I spill them all over and make a mess of it.

Rapunzel's magic paint brush was magical because she believed in the magic in her heart. I'm going to believe in the magic in my heart too. And I'll do this by reminding myself everyday that:

"I've magic too. And its not in the paint brush. Its here, in my heart".

the birthday gift

2006-09-13T12:56:00.000-07:00

I've been through verbal abuse. There was this guy at work who used to scream, yell at me and throw papers on my face. No matter how hard I worked, he would always critise me and I would be forever crying at work. He told the bosses I was no good at work and he almost wanted me to leave the company. I'd out of severe stress and pressure from this guy feared that I'd lose my job and my parents were frantically trying to get me hooked on to a guy in an arranged marraige and I feared if I lost my job, I'll be dependent on them financially and that'll give them another reason to force me. This continued from July 2002 to Dec 2003. And I'd stopped eating and drinking by then unconsiously. I fell sick badly in Nov 2003 and I was ill for more than a week. The guy at work started grumbling so much to the then CFO (Chief Financial Officer) that I got scared that they'll chuck me out of work. My work was my only creative outlet, my passion, my expression and my creations..I couldnt bear to see myself being pushed into an arranged marraige with an NRI (Non-Resident Indian). I had always wanted to do my own thing...my work, my life. Oh and I was also in love then ..in an very very intense relationship (but that is another story and I'll save that for another time).

So when I was so seriously sick, parents did not believe me for they were angry with me as I was rejecting guys. So I'd got myself admitted in the hospital and that's when in Dec 2003 they diagnosed me with a Chronic Renal failure..both kidneys permanently failed and life-long dialysis. Even after I rejoined work in Jan'04 the situation had not eased much. The abuse restarted again after a few months and by Dec '04 I was again skipping my dialysis this time due to too much pressure of work.

Finally in Jan' 05, I complained to the "nth" time to the management and this time I wrote that I'm going to write to our parent company in States for harrassement, and even if I lose my job I'm not going to tolerate this anymore. That's when the change happenned. The then CFO took action for the first time and I was transferred to another department and a new CFO was appointed (the present CFO got promoted to be the COO- Chief Operating Officer). The new CFO and my present boss are wonderful to me and I love love them and they do shower me with a lot of affection. I even got promoted this year for the brilliant work I did last year.

So coming back to the abuse, I have at one point, stood up and put an end to it, at the cost of my job and relationship for I had almost lost my life.

At first I was angry with others for doing it to me. Then I became a victim and I was sad and depressed. Then I was angry with myself for letting me go through this.

Now I'm forgiving myself. How am I doing it? Through joy and peace and bliss, which is filling my body, my cells, my tissues and everynerve. I've been working on this for a long long time now. I started about three years ago, but I did make really good progress only fromMarch 06, when I was totally 'alone'.

My relationship had broken and I had noone to turn to but myself at that time. I spent endless days and countless nights crying, writing and dwelling in pain. I tried to run away from it, burn it and buryit. But the pain seemed invincible.

Until one day, I sat down and just let it be, even as the tears ran down my cheeks....I did not seek to fix it anymore.

Suddenly, when I barely realised, I was making the transition..i could feel it. I am still in the transition mode. And I am feeling it right now. How do I feel it? The few moments of joy which I have. Those come from within me. Even if they last for merely one pico second,I'm still glad that they happen to me.

I've forgiven myself and the guy who abused me at work. But it tookme a while. It took me 1 and 1/2 years of work to reach this place where I replace that bitterness, hatred, blood boiling feelings, hurt, frustration for this guy with forgiveness. Even now, I'm not sure if these feelings of forgiveness are permanent and I feel I may still feel angry thinking of that experience. But while I'm filled with joy and light, (like right now), I'm not angry and I want to make the most of this moment by forgiving myself and that guy.

Just yesterday we crossed each other's paths and I told him this:
Anu: Hi Guy
Guy: Hi..eh...Hi (shocked and looking into my eyes)
Anu: Congratulations on your wedding (extends hand)
Guy: eh...Thanks (with a smile and still so shocked and holding my hand)
Anu: I have been wanting to wish you for long. I wanted to come toyour seat but you were busy or surrounded with people..
Guy: (nodding, still holding my hand and looking into my eyes)
Anu: I'm sorry about what happenned between us
Guy: Oh that's okay. Its the past. Its already history now (with asmile and still looking into my eyes and holding my hand)
Anu: Well..I just wanted to say I want to like you and I wish youwell.
Guy: (with a smile) thank you..thank you so much.

After this I ran away from that place in full speed. I've not yet recovered from what I've done. And sometimes I'm scared becoz I dont know if I'm totally healed. I'd not communicated with this guy forabout 1 and 1/2 yrs. The last communication was the big fight and my entire company including the top management knows about this.

But I just wanted to take a chance. Not to prove anything. Just becoz I felt I was so overflowing with love and joy that there was no place for any anger or bitterness in me at that time and I could not but say what I said to him.

Mind you, i did not forgive the Guy becoz I forgave what he did to me. I forgive him becoz I'm too full of love and I've worked my way here by doing countless other things. I forgave him becoz I dont have any place for hatred and bittreness in my heartright now (I dont knwo about tomm) and not becoz I want to be virtuous.

But again, it took me to learn to sit beside myself, listen tomyself, talk to myself, cry nights after nights emptying my heart tomyself, wonder if I'll ever get over this pain...and writeendlessly..write even though there are no readers..and talk eventhough there is no audience..

Having done all this, I've somewhere learnt to trust myself 'equal toa grain of sand'. That trusting of myself equal to a grain of sandhas brought me where I'm today. Right now I dont have that pain I hadin my heart and hence I'm forgiving him out of 'joy' of my own being.And I can't help doing that sweetie..right now that is just "me".

Yes and his eyes were kind when they were looking into mine and hewas still holding my hand. Those expressive kind eyes encouraged meto say what I felt and the warmth in the hands kept me feelingstill 'safe'.

I don't know if he will change tommorrow or I'll change myperception. I'll deal with that if and when I come to that. For now,I'm basking in my own love and affection..

Anyways, I'm glad for what happenned. It is the end of a major chapter and a begining of a new relationship with the same person.This is the same person, with the mention of whose's name my blood used to boil and I would lose my temper and I hated him so much. ButI think, as I'm getting closer to myself and loving myself and appreciating myself, I'm unconsiously learning to forgive myself and forgive others....not in weakness but in strength...with great power! Not in pretension to patch things up...in real brutal honesty, with courage and conviction and lots of trust in myself and the love flowing through my nerves which is calling out to me to do this.

I'm so so so glad about this. This just makes me feel so good right now and I'm having this huge big bright smile on my beautiful face. This is my birthday gift to myself...forgiveness of myself and another. My birthday is on this saturday..the 16th of September :))

Thanks for reading this, I didn't mean to write it so long, I got carried away by the waves of my memories and it's just now that I found the shores and I'm anchoring my ship here ;)

T

2006-09-10T09:02:00.000-07:00

Today at the aikido class, I was a little unable to get my act together. I wonder why...just one of those strange days when I spend too much time thinking, I guess.

A new guy has joined the martial arts class (well..he has been around for a few classes). His name is T and he is a friend of sensei. He is an american guy and though he has just joined, he does the rolls exceedingly well and has already mastered the techniques. He is not really tall, about my height, 5" and he has a very handsome face and nice sandy hair.

After every class, one boy rushes to the bathroom and wets all the cleaning towels and we all wipe the mats clean. Then we have to fold them and stack them up in the corner of the room. So yesterday, after class I was waiting alone (S, my dear girl friend had not come) near the men's rest room for the boy to wet the cleaning towels. The other guys busy on the other side of the long long room talking.

When the boy came out, I took one wet towel and as I was hurrying towards the mats, T came up to me and asked me, "What's your name?" I told him, "Anu". He extended his hand and said, "I'm T". I looked at my hands, which were wet on account of holding the wet towel. I rubbed my hands dry on my white uniform. T said, "oh, that's alright." I smiled and shook hands with him saying, "I'm glad to meet you T."

T said, "Anu, if you please I can teach you to do the forward roll. You need to make more of a circle with your hands. You see, I've learnt judo for a while and that's why I'm able to pick up the rolls easily. I've been observing you and I feel I know just how to get you to do the roll smoothly, enjoying yourself and without hurting yourself."

I was so shocked. I couldn't my ears, that someone has offerred to help me. In the past, I would go to the senior boys and request them and they would try and help me out. But this was absolutely wonderful, someone actually offerring to help me. I smiled and told T, "I'll be so glad to learn the rolls from you, T. Its been six months and I'm trying so hard. I've improved but not yet got it right. You fall so beautifully, like a flower." T said, "Its easy, I'll be very happy to teach you how I do it." I said, "Thank you, again" and I rushed to the mats as the other students were already cleaning the mats. And I was keen to do my share of cleaning.

After class after we change, we all meet at the centre of the hall before we leave. Sensei normally waits for the girls to come and he leaves only when we're ready. I saw T arranging some things in the school and wearing his boots. I went up to him and told him, "T, I'm very thankful for your gracious offer. I'm eager to start training to get the rolls right." T said, "Can you come early on Wenesday so that we can practise?" I told T, "I work so I cannot come on Wenesday early. It takes me an hour to travel from work to the school. I will be able to reach here just on time on Wenesday. So can we make it a Saturday?" T said, "That's fine but not this Saturday, next Saturday. I'm not going to be here this Saturday."

The other guys were watching and listening to this conversation intently. After this we just waved to each other and left for home.

So that's the story for now. I'm very excited about this roll-business. Nothing makes me more happy than to roll smoothly and land like a flower. And I'm also excited that someone asked me and offerred to help me. It just made me feel so good. It felt a little funny to be standing there and talking to T and seeing all the other indian guys just staring at us.

So I'm going to look forward to this roll-learning business with T. Probably, this is the first time someone (other than the teaher himself) showed some interest in me, in the martial arts class and it feels very refreshing to be surprised by the universe in such delicious manners.

Funny enough, the surprise happenned when there were no expectations. No projections into the future. No trying to gain attention and/or approvals. When I was totally focussed in me. Standing alone waiting for the wet cloth to clean the mats. When I was in the NOW, being present in the now. Maybe, just maybe, we'll totally surprise ourselves when we are focussed, present and creating in the NOW.

No, probably, we'll more than surprise ourselves..we'll astound ourselves.

the farewell

2006-09-09T09:32:00.000-07:00

Yesterday the entire department at work gave a farewell to Mr V, as it was his last day in the organisation. Mr V has put in 10 yrs of work and now is changing jobs. He has a wife and two sons and is a Senior Manager in the company. We all went to a nice restuarant for lunch. The menu was not planned properly and directions were not given correctly as a result, we ended up having the fixed lunch. The lunch was lovely and simple. Less oily and spicy. I thoroughy enjoyed it as this kind of lunch suits me very well.

But most of my colleagues did not quite enjoy the lunch. They are used to placing lavish orders from starters till desserts. Fried, oily, spicy stuff..in every course of the meal. So most of them were unhappy and very grumpy. Nearly everyone was complaining as to who placed the fucking order.

Particularly two men, Mr R and Mr P, who were AVPs (Associate Vice Presidents) in the department, a very high grade, were very annoyed. They were sitting towards my right. Firstly they did not like the idea of 'fixed' lunch. They felt insulted that they could not order what they wanted. This lunch was sponsored by the company. And hence they felt it was only right for them to eat heartily and spend lavishly. And considering their 'position' and 'grade', they felt this was a lousy lunch party. Which it was probably..but they were very emotive and very expressive of their unhappiness.

To add to these issues, when Mr P asked for a side-dish, becoz it was a fixed lunch, the waiters told him that 'the side-dish is over' and when Mr R asked for 'Dal', they had to make one for him. So finally, Mr R and Mr P were extremely upset and they insisted on making a display on it by sulking. At their levels, anyone would think, if they wanted something, they rather be proactive and just order it. But they kept asking the other girls and complaining instead to taking action and just ordering the food they wanted.

So they sat there ....grumbling, criticising and sulking. The dessert was not good too. Apparently, it was supposed to be a fruit salad but there was no cream in it and it just ended up to be a bowl of fruits. And it was such a small bowl. So Mr P in anger told the waiter, "he dosent want the desert..which was a bowl of fruits." He was so very upset. So was Mr R.

I saw everyone's reactions, though myself I was just silently having the lunch. The simpler it was, the more I enjoyed it actually. I started feeling the anger and frustration most of my colleagues were talking about. I started to wonder..how/what can I feel glad about.

I was glad the food was so simple becoz then I could eat it. I dont like oily, spicy, fried food..it makes me feel lethargic and it is not good for my kidneys too. I love that the food was not much then I could value it and relish what I ate. I could be glad that the bowl of fruits did not have cream, fruits are far more healthier, aren't they? I could be glad for the lovely piano soft music which was playing. I could be glad for the beautiful ambience and lovely green green plants all around us.

At one point, I saw some couples and started feeling 'bad' instead of 'glad' wondering whether at all, I'll sit in a resturarant like this with a lovely beautiful man who will look into my eyes and listen interestingly to my conversations. I almost had tears in my eyes and I suddenly realised the magical powers I possessed...through which I believed I could create anything and everything I wanted. What are my magical powers? Imaginations...so I changed the images floating in front of my eyes slightly. Instead of focussing on the 'lack' of something (companionship, in this case) I chose to focus on the 'abundance' of the very same something. I started to imagine that I am sitting with a lovely young man in this restuarant, with soft music, who is looking into my eyes so very lovingly and listening to my conversations, who cares for me and loves me. And I feel that something in my heart everytime I look into his sparkling mischivious eyes. Oh I so loved it. Instead of feeling 'bad' I ended up feeling so 'glad'. Soon the tears in my eyes turned into a beautiful smile on my lips...a shine in my eyes and a rosy color on my cheeks..and an anu in love..

And finally I was really really glad to notice this: Mr V, who's farewell it was, was happyily enjoying his lunch. He was just a simple nice man. If he did not get what he wanted like he wanted steamed rice and it was over, he just asked for it. He did not feel offended becoz it was over and he had to ask! He did not feel it was 'his ' farewell party and the arrangements were so lousy. Instead he was laughing at the weird poor service we got and cracking jokes and making all of us laugh. When Mr P refused to eat his bowl of fruits, the waiter brought the bowl of fruits and placed it in the center of the table. Mr V was so cute, he just picked it up asked alould, "hey this is someone's bowl of fruits" and Mr P made a nasty face and sulked saying, "he dosen't want it". This did not offend Mr V. He just picked it up and distributed the bowl of fruits between himself and Miss S, sitting next to him. How cool was that!

I felt so glad seeing Mr V being the way he was. All this so effortlessly, so naturally. Though he had every reason to be upset, as afterall it was his last day in the company. Yet he seemed so happy for what was 'there' instead of sulking and making the atmosphere so unpleasant.

The AVPs who held such high positions in the company, could / would not want to change the situation (by ordering what they wanted) or feel glad for what they had. Instead they choose to sulk, say unpleasant things, make annoying faces and feel like a victim. But Mr V as so happy, cool and glad. He did not take the lousy farewell party personally.

After the party, I along with my three friends went with Mr V to the mall in his car and had a fruit ice-cream. We were laughing, joking and telling Mr V how much we're going to miss him. I even mentioned how glad I am that he is glad about the lunch party and how wonderful he is. Mr V was blushing, so sweet he is.

Later during a tea-break, I met Mr P (who is my immediate boss) and always finding something to be grumpy about, and he sarcastically remarked to me and my colleague. "aah I'm feeling so good now...after I've eaten my heart's content in the cafeteria below." Someone sitting with us asked him "oh! I thought you went for a lunch party." Mr P frowned and said in an angry tone, "Fuck what a lousy party it was!"

Such high positions of management and leadership people hold and yet they find it so difficult to be proactive and to be adjusting. Noone needs to tip a bad service, but there are manners and courtesies..there are ways to 'try' to be pleasant in unpleasant situations. There are ways to be accomodating. There are ways to be gracious. There are Mr Vs who set an example, through their actions, whether anyone notices or not. And there are little Anu girls, who notice all these little golden moments and feel glad that the lousy moments happen so that she can acknowledge and appreciate the wonder, elegance and grace of the beautiful moments.

I'm so glad that the lousy lunch party happenned, for how else would I have known this:
"Greatness wears no decorations,
Pettiness too wears no uniform."
- annoyomous

the celeb meet

2006-09-06T22:31:00.000-07:00

On Monday I was asleep during dialysis. Something so wonderful happenned to me. An Indian super-star, hot and sexy, the craze of India, Salman Khan (SK) happenned to visit the hospital to meet some relative admitted in the ICU (which is across my dialyisis ward). A 15-yr old little girl is on temporary dialysis in my ward and her mom requested this super-star's secretary if the SK can visit the girl for a few minutes. The secretary told SK and he immediately got up and walked straight into the dialysis ward.

While he was talking to her, it was late in the night about 10 pm, my mom woke me up excitedly and told me SK is in the ward. I told her I'd rather sleep. I was seeing a lovely beautiful pleasant dream and when I was woken up I forgot the dream totally. I just had the sweet feelings of it.

Meanwhile, my mom had already dissapeared. I lay awake on my bed, thinking what would have my dream been about? And suddenly before I realised, I saw SK walking towards me. He was looking at my face with great interest. I told him immediately, "I'm so sorry, I am actually embarrassed. My mom told me you've come here. And I may want to meet you. But I'm not wanting to disturb you into meeting me. So I'm sorry for that you had to come to meet me." SK immedaitely said, "Oh no, I'm not disturbed at all and you need not be sorry. Why should you be." Then he stood there next to me for about 30 mts and talked to me. This is how the conversation flowed:

SK: So how are you?
Anu: I'm fine and you?
SK: I'm fine too.
silence
SK: So what happenned to you?
Anu: The doctors say my both kidneys have failed so I'm on dialysis.
SK staring at me in silence
Anu: But its alright. I'm O.K. with that...It is also an experience I've accepted it and I'm glad this happenned.
SK: O.K. with this? You shouldn't be O.K. with this. This is not an experience one may want to go through. And there is nothing to be glad about this!!
Anu: Oh yes there is! If it was not for this, I would have never met these lovely people in the hospital and of course..there are some other nice things which happenned in my life. I know this is an incurable disease and I'm fine with it now!
SK: No No..you must fight this disease. This is not something to be loved. This is something to be kicked out.
Anu: I know this may never go away so I dont want to stress myself by fighting it, and so I'm fine with it.
SK: Why should you be? And how can you be? This needs to be kicked out. You see, we build buildings and sometimes some tenants don't vacate their houses. So they need to be kicked out. Like this you kick out this disease from your body. This is your body and your soul and dont let these tresspassers believe this is their home.
Anu: bursts out laughing
SK is shocked but then he too laughs looking at me
SK: So how are you fighting this disease?
Anu: I dont lie here full day..I've so many things to do. I work and I go for my martial arts class which I'm very passionate about, you see.
SK: But, how are you fighting this disease???
Anu: I'm not fighting it...or maybe I'm with my cheerfulness.
The Assistant Doctor interrupts the conversation and he rubs my feet gently and looks at SK and says "She is the most intelligent and cheerful patient in this hospital and we are so proud of her. She is so normal. She even does martial arts. She is as normal as you and me. She is such an inspiration."
Anu: (interrupting to SK) Oh..Dr is just being very kind to me.
SK: but she tells me that she will die and this disease is incurable.
Dr: she is right!
SK: hey dr, don't just stand there and tell me so! Hasn't science and technology found a cure for this?
Dr: No, sorry!
SK: (Looking at me) There must be some cure ??
Dr: There is no cure. But she may be off dialysis if she has a transplant and gets a kidney.
SK: Oh well..then what are you waiting for...give her one!
Dr: She does not have a donor Sir.
SK: Bullshit! In this country, there are millions and billions of people and you're telling me that this little girl is going to die becoz there is no donor for her?
Dr: Precisely, that is exactly what I'm saying. The concept of ogran donation is not popular in India. Her own relatives have not considered donating their kidney to her, why blame others?
SK: (looking at me) Don't your relatives want to give you a kidney?
Anu: No. My Uncles have the same blood group as me but they are not mentally prepared or ready for this. And I've never asked them too. I wouldnt want to be obligated to them and then if ever anything happens to them, they or their family may choose to blame me for it. I wouldnt want that.
SK: (nodding at me and looking at the Dr) So isn't there any other way to give her a kidney?
Dr: There is through a Cadeaver (kidney of a person who just died but his organs are still working). But there are very many people on the waiting list for such kidneys and she is way behind in the queue.
SK: Oh dude, just tell me how much it costs to get her a kidney?
Dr: You see, you can't buy it. You must register for it and she is way behind in the line.
Anu: But I am not going to have a transplant.
SK and Dr both staring at me totally bewildered
SK: what do you mean? (sounding cross)
Anu: I mean what I say. I'm not wanting another kidney in me. I want my own. I dont like temporary fixes. I dont like knifes cutting my stomach and I dont like scars on my spotless body.
SK: (bends down and shows me his huge bicep) look at this..this is a scar, there is one on my other bicept and there are so many on my head...and of course all over my body.
Anu: (staring at him)
SK: I think scars are sexy
Anu: (laughing)
SK: (looking at my mom and smiling) what else can I say to this girl now? (shakes his head)

A lady interrupts the conversation, requesting SK to talk to her son who wouldnt believe that SK is in the ward. SK immediately agrees and talks to her son. After the call is over, he looks at me and says, "I've to go. I'll see you again later."
I looked at him calmly and said, "Okay, thank you for coming."
SK: (walking away said something I couldnt hear or understand)

So this was the surprise celeb meet I had on Monday. I was so cool and calm that later, all the nurses and technicians asked me if I had lost my head. They almost cursed me. They said I could've asked anything of SK. Interesting questions, a picture with him, an autograph...anything. But I just sat there talking to him as cooly as if I was talking to the receptionst downstairs. How could i be so as-a-matter-of-fact. Why was I not excited or bubbly or chirpy jumping all over him? They all told me, I've probably lost my head.

I don't know why I was what I was. I was excited for he is the first celeb I've ever met since I was born. And as you know well, my life consists of mud, trees, blue skies, grass, flowers, butterflies and the such. There are hardly any human beings, I can write about. I should've been mighty thrilled. But I'm just feeling normal. I'm happy that life has surprised me and for once, something really happenned and I did not have to imagine it. So that is such a lovely surprise. But that's it. I don't feel anything great about what happenned. I'm very surprised with my own unexplainable behaviour.

Having said all this, I know SK has a lot to do other than think about me. I know I may be just one of the thousands of patients he is meeting. And I dont expect to see him again. But I'm so glad I met him for now I've something exciting to imagine from this. I can make hundreds of stories of SK and me in my mind. I can drag this little 30 mt meeting to a nice long story with lovely splendid happy happy events in my mind. That will make me so happy. I can imagine more unimaginable things in my mind and bask in the feelings of love generated in my heart. How lovely will that be.

There are no taxes on dreams. So I'm going to dream as much and as long and as rich as I want, for dreams are so lovely...In dreams we create a world of our own...Just remember one rule of great dreaming is, live in your dream world but with unconditional love again. Don't lay conditions on your dreams that they must come true. Let the reality and the universe decide and decipher how and whether that can/should happen. Dance to the music of the wonderful powers of the mind ..Imaginations. Dance not to perfect or the win the prize....just for the pleasure of dancing...for the sake of the dance...

I'm dancing such a dance now. I'm not stopping and I dont have an audience. I dance for myself. I dance with myself and with you. My dance is becoming my life...or probably, my life is becoming a dance now..

my imaginary real world

2006-09-03T19:59:00.000-07:00

I'm so glad to be back dear friends. My computer is back from the workshop after seven full days (it left last saturday) and I've been so restless and desperate being unable to express myself. I missed you all soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much.

So what have I been upto. I've purchased books. Lots of them. The kind of books that interest me and I love to read are:
A little princess, Pollyanna, Pollyanna grows up, Peter pan, The secret garden.

I just love love love reading these books. And I am becoming a child in that bargain. I mean it. I'm looking far more younger and I've become so cheerful and the way in which I see things are changing. I'm a Pollyanna, who (trys to) finds something to be glad about in everything that happens. I'm Sara, the little princess who drapes her lonely life with her wonderful, exquisite, rich, child-like innocent imaginations.

I'm begining to really live and love life, I feel. I am feeling the vaccum of a man but if, if I can imagine the worlds most beautiful man in body, mind and soul, the one who is totally in love with me and me with him - next to me here...when I want .. how wonderful is that...for I'm living my dreams.

I feel him everyday. I bathe with him. I lay my head on his chest. I feel his fingers run through my hair. I let him dress me up and undress me. I arrange his shirts in the closet. I cook food for him. I let him carry me around in his strong warm arms. I kiss him deeply on his soft sensual lips. I'm feeling totally utterly loved and cared for. What's real and what's imaginery? Who cares? It is real if we feel it isn't it? We don't need to insist we see it, do we? Again! I can see it through my mind's eye too if i want to. But I surely feel it.. feel him..in real...right here in my world.

I'm ungrowing, I'm unlearning, I'm crossing the rules of this dimension called physcial reality...I'm becoming a child. I am for joy's sake, bringing out that childlike innocence in me. It is filling my days with sunlight and my nights with moon beams and shining stars. And of course, fairies with frilly real rainbow tinted frocks and magic wands with real twinkling stars and angels with bright silver transperant wings are smiling with me through this.

answerless

2006-08-23T23:00:00.000-07:00

Today I've been in a different mood, with similar patterns.

At work, the colleagues in my department are planning a picnic. Apparently, they decided the place, time and informed me when I arrived the next day. Normally, I would just smile and go along with it. This time I felt offended I was not asked nor was my convenience considered while planning the picnic. My colleagues are very friendly and I share a very good rapport with them. But they just handed me the paper and told me, if you can make it then you need to pay Rs 1000. I felt strange and out of sync with myself. I felt hurt and angry. I also did (do) not feel like joining them. I know they have no intentions to make me feel bad or hurt or uncomfortable. They probably don't even have the slightest idea that I'm having all these thoughts and feelings piling on me. But I cannot help it, I'm feeling all of this and the more they discuss about the picnic the more I feel it. I'm unable to pull myself in it and pretend all is fine and join them. And I'm also noticing that by not joining them and staying away from the picnic I'll probably miss a fun-day and may end up feeling miserable. This is bothering me.

To add to this, I had a similar experience today evening at the aikido class. Actually it was building up since the last few days. I am very excited about the practice and stuff but I've been noticing that noone really talks to me in the class. I wonder if they even notice me. Today another girl S came to class and everyone (all the guys - we;re just two girls) was talking to her. The American guy waved out to her specially when he was leaving. The other Indian guys were all around her talking and joking. The South African guy and she were having a good laugh. S is a very sweet and lovely girl. I like her so much. She is so cute that I cannot even feel jealous of her. At the same time, I couldnt help noticing that all the guys were so very comfortable with her. I just stood there among them so lost. I tried to pretend to smile and crack jokes, but it did not work and I looked more stupid than before. So I just stood there quietly, watching what is happenning, watching myself standing alone, watching that noone really wanted to tell me 'Goodbye' when the class got over, except S herself.

So I'm feeling not my usual self. I have been thinking about these two experiences since they happenned today afternoon and evening. I wonder if it is the attention (?) I'm wanting? Why am I uncomfortable when I'm alone or not talked to. Why do I feel ignored when this happens? Why do I go out of sync? Why do I (let myself)
feel bad when others are not pally with me?

I don't have any answers to these questions, right now. And any answer itself would be an objectively intelligent answer but I can't help it, I'm still feeling the left-out feeling in me. I don't want an intelligent answer from myself. Something like - "oh well, anu, you must not seek attention and approval...blah blah blah." Bullshit!!! But my telling that to myself does not help in any manner. I'm still feeling the feelings in me. I'll just be hiding them or pretending they do not exist for a while or sugar coating them with nice words and quotes. I don't want this. I want to understand subjectively...go to the core of the belief.

So I'm going to be answerless to myself here for a while till the answers automatically and naturally emerge from inside...instead of me putting words in my own mouth. I'm going to sit with this feeling, when it arises again. And I know it will...for right now, it does appear unresolved to me.

But this time, I'm going to be prepared with my arms and ammunitions waiting for it to emerge. So what are my weapons? Noticing, listening, understanding and reflecting of the communication my body and mind is giving me through this emotion. Right now, I'm doing just that.

I'm not running away, my dearest insecurities, fears, hopelessness, painfulness, frustrations, depressions, dissapointments (and all of you back-benchers whom I'm yet to name). I'm right here waiting with my tools for you. I'm not going to hit you or kill you either. I'll love you and you'll then disintegrate into me...a me which I am more comfortable with..a me which I'm in sync with...a me which I can understand. I'm just going to sit beside the anu who feels ignored and neglected in class next time and smile at her and watch her (even as another me is feeling what I'm feeling).

I'm not going to manipulate my anu. I'm going to let her be. She's a precious child of the universe. Let her take her time to grow. Such a beautiful journey this is. I want her to relish every morsel which she takes in..even though some may taste sour and some may burn the tongue. I won't push her, I won't ridicule her and I'm certainly not ashamed of her. I love her and I will get this message into every cell of her body, every drop of blood in her veins and arteries and every strand of hair on her head.

For now, I'm going to lie down quietly beside her and let her go berserk with her thoughts. Let her experiment and explore...and yet know that, I'm here for her...always. To love her, to kiss her, to hug her and to keep her safe in my heart.

today

2006-08-23T05:30:00.000-07:00

Today I am anticipating a long delightful day. I have woken up really early and it is about 5:30 am here. I have an aikido class at 6:45 am. From there I'll be reaching work early say by 8:30 am. I'm carrying my breakfast with me so that I can have it at work. I'm going to release the report of a particular department today. My day is going to be really long, as I will leave home by 6:15 am and return only by about 8:00 pm. I'm going to look for sunshine wherever I go and be glad that it brightens up my day.

Right now, I'm glad to be sipping a hot cup of tea which is refreshing me. I am at loss for words. I dont know what to write today. And I've not written since long. One of those strange periods, I guess.

My hot water is waiting for me and hopefully the rick guy will turn up to pick me up for class. I'm looking forward to the morning class, it is going to be so wonderful doing a work-out early morning. It is time to go.

Pollyanna's glad game :)

2006-08-18T22:36:00.000-07:00

I went to the mall on Sunday to buy a lipstick (my lipstick got over). And I don't stock my closet with tons of it. Just one or two and when they get over, I go and buy another one.

When I'm in the mall, I always visit the bookstore. And I always go straight to the children's section as I love fairy tales and all children's books and novels. I picked up an amazing book - Pollyanna - this is the story of an orphaned little girl who moves in with her maiden aunt and transforms the lives of everyone she meets with her optimism. Pollyanna uses the "glad game" her father taught her to appreciate what she has.

I've barely read three chapters and I can't wait to snuggle into bed and read more. The glad game started when Pollyanna was very small and wanted a doll. But instead the Ladies Aid group gave her a pair of crutches. Her father told her that there is always something to feel glad about in everything that happens. As far as the crutches are concerned, he said: be glad that you never have to use them (big wide grin).

So today whole day, I played the glad game. In the afternoon I confess I cribbed a bit to my colleauge but other than that the whole day I was glad glad glad. Everything was working fine and was just perfect.

I even did a voice over. A friend (guy) from the Promo Department came up to me and said he needs me to do the voice-over for a Kids festival. LOL! I couldnt help laughing. So I went and gave my voice. I spoke just normally but I sound so much like a sweet little kid. I can't help smiling at myself.

Now everyday I'm going to play the glad game. I'll find something to appreciate always no matter what happens. Life IS beautiful..i just have to open my eyes..

automatic triggers

2006-08-18T08:44:00.000-07:00

Today is the 18th day of breathing consciously every day in the morning. I wake up at 6 am every day and just sit and breathe. I feel so calm and composed and so fulfilled when I've done this. Now somewhere during the day, barely in about an hour I lose my cool and I dont even know what I'm doing. I'm going about my daily activites in a mechanical manner. I've triggerred my automatic responses of - happy, sad, angry.

The slightest word said by someone can bring me to tears. Just yesterday at the hospital, I arrived early. All the patients have to queue up for the beds. Sometimes it may take more than an hour and half to merely get a bed. The dialysis then takes about five hours. So that makes it about 6-7 hours minimum at the hospital. Yesterday, I was the first patient and yet the technician did not give me the first bed which was available. Apparently, he had been treating another patient regularly so when they arrived after me, he gave them the bed. I felt so bad and angry at this, that I was in tears. And I went to sleep at dialysis too in tears.

When I woke up, I was far more refreshed but I was so angry at that guy for doing this. A small incident is enough to take away my peace of mind. Later I was thinking, is it worth it, to save a hour or two, to bring this stress to my body and mind. Certainly not! But I'm conditioned to feel bad, sad, mad when certain things happen. I don't know how to not feel what I'm feeling. But I know this that I am sure that nothing is worth boiling my blood or losing the smile of my face. Absolutely nothing!

I look at children, plants and animals everyday in awe. So unperterbed, so unassuming and so very focussed they are in their happiness. You cannot make a child unhappy unless you beat it or pinch the little one. It requires nothing to be in a happy state of mind. A child is also very observant, it looks, observes and if it does not like you, it won't let you carry it. It knows what it wants and what it does not want. The child lives in the world inside.

Where is that child in me? She is struggling to come out. I'm begining to feel her presence so softly and gently. I don't have any answers for any questions. I'm myself so fucked up. But I seek answers from...myself. I've stopped looking upto others for answers for my questions.

If I'm no more tommorrow, I'll be glad that I dared to ask myself a few questions at least. Though I'm really not sure of any of answers.

Today I'm going to remind myself that no one, absolutley noone can take away a piece of my mind and no one can rob my peace of mind too. If it is, it is upto me, to cherish it..treasure it. That is all I have and probably, that is all I need!

Independence Day

2006-08-15T02:30:00.000-07:00

2 A.M.
15th August
wide awake and listening to
Independence Day
songs on
radio

a deep kiss on
those beautiful
lips which utter
my beloved
country's
name

(I've taken off the picture of my country's flag which I had here as a mark of respect)

the leaf

2006-08-14T07:41:00.000-07:00

Talking about leaves. Yesterday I was watching the animated cartoon story of "The Indian King - Siddhartha (Buddha)" on Channel Cartoon Network and in that I saw a scene which so naturally made me smile and put me at peace.

So the Buddha after receiving englightenment was walking in the forest and suddenly he felt the wind blow so softly on his face. He stood there silently and looked up and saw leaves and flowers floating in the air and falling on to the ground.

His lovely beautiful eyes kept staring in awe at the grace and the lightness with which the flowers and leaves were letting go.

And he stood there beneath that tree with his palms extended and one such leaf flew into his hands and then the wind whisked it away, even as he still stood there, with his palms extended feeling the momentary delicateness of the tiny leaf.

The leaf flew in the air and landed so gently on the Buddha's feet.

All of this happenned in the movie in a matter of seconds. But it left a profound impact on me and filled my little heart with sheer joy and bliss.

I like leaves more than diamonds and pearls. Maybe because I feel they communicate with me. I stare at leaves all the time when I'm travelling wondering at their different shapes and colors and feeling their freshness. I love the forest green outfits they wear and how they change their clothes from green to pink to yellow. I feel I'm falling in love with them.

to be as light as the leaf
so as to float in the air
to be as joyful as the leaf
so as to laugh even when falling
to be as smart as the leaf
which knows where to land,
yet confuses the seer
to allow oneself to get muddy like the leaft
rusting that the universe will bathe it clean
to be able to let go like the leaf
the very tree which gave it birth
as it merges with the earth
embracing new beginings
with love and passion.

the misunderstanding

2006-08-11T00:18:00.000-07:00

I sorted out a misunderstanding between my boss and me. Boss was upset that we had given a deadline to the CFO without informing him, though very much in his presence. So I went to boss and clarified to him that neither me nor my colleague had any intentions to superseed the authority and not keep him in the loop. It just happenned during the course of the discussion, CFO asked us when we will complete the ERM exercise for the departments we were working on and we told him. I explained this to boss. Infact I started my discussion with him with these words, "Mr XX are you angry with us?" and he was deeply touched.

I did this not because I am keen on having a smooth professional career. I did this more because I don't want anything to disturb my peace of mind. I've learnt that when we express our deepest feelings, even though we may stammer or maybe unable to find the right words, it always pays. It pays to be real and authentic. To say what I mean and mean what I say.

I don't have two faces - one in personal life and another in professional life. I smile the same smile at the CEO of my company and also at Vikas, the house-keeping boy who files papers in my department. I am the same anu at work as I am here. I am as playful, cheerful, filled with laughter at work as I am among friends. I can be as focussed and creative and nothing may disturb or distract me when I'm into my work. I cannot and do not divide my life into parts and play roles.

I'm learning the power of acceptance of myself and my feelings. Afterall, isn't that all what I have! When I die, all I'll leave with is my 'self'. I'm not running after anyone or anything else...name, power, office-politics, glory, money, fame...all will and has to follow when I'm connected with my innerself. And even if it does not, so what? I'll be left with 'just me' in the end and what else do I need? My only responsibility in my life is to be myself. Understand more and more about me and be more and more of mySELF.

When I am myself, I can never go wrong...because afterall I'm being just me.

life

2006-08-04T20:49:00.000-07:00

What is more lovelier than starting my morning breathing? Breath is life. Oxygen is what gives us life. Yet how many times do I consciously breathe. I'm not even aware I'm breathing unless I am breathless. How amazing that something so transient, so transparent, so invisible to the naked eye actually gives me life.

All throughout the day, I'm running after things, events and people. The moment I sit in my rick and I am communiting, I start day-dreaming and fantasising. I'm don't know I'm breathing yet I am. Something so real and so precious as the breath surely deserves more attention than this!

The saints and prophets in India place tremendous emphasis on the breath. They talk about deep breathing through the lungs. Sit silently and breathe and you shall be. We feel we have to do something special, real and specific, chart a path to meet our goal (whatever it is). We put in tremendous effort for everything we desire.

Now I'm thinking, my existence is because I'm alive - I'm alive because I can breathe. And my breathing is so effortless. So easy. I don't sit here thinking I've to breathe (unless of course I get those palpitations which apparently happenned for the first time in my life). Yet I'm alive, the cells in my body are alive, the atoms and molecules dance to the breath every moment. So I'm feeling my very existence in this world is effortless, I don't have to make effort to live. I live naturally. I wake up every morning naturally and go to sleep every night naturally.

Then in that case, something about me putting in tremendous effort to fulfill my desires and wishes seems confusing to me. Something is amiss here. I must not need to put this effort, this desperation and restlessness to fulfill my desires (whatever they be). When I do things out of joy and enthusiasm, with a sparkle of spontaineity and excitement, with the curiosity of a child, I automatically attract the wondrous things I desire and effortlessly fulfill them.

When the very state of being alive
is so natural and effortless,
nothing else matters than life, isn't it?
then why this lack of importance to living
and focus on so many other things?
do they really matter?
as much as taking in free oxygen
and breathing out carbon dioxdie..

probably,
the trees, the animals
and the green grass, the mud
the speck of dust, the grain of sand
the little hair folickle, the drop of rain,
even the cow dung and the rose petal on it
knows this already, but I'm noticing it only now

I feel that is the secret of their joy and freshness
they are truely alive, hot and happeninng
they are breathing and focussed on the world inside
I have been staring at them for days and months now

feeling their energy in every cell of my body
they suck away my insecurities and pains and hurts
frustrations and dissapointments and agonies

but they are not staring at me,
they just wave out to me, dance when I arrive
and go right back into their center
Now I look at them in awe and admiration
only to see them, looking into themselves
for they know that ---
the world outside is formed from the world inside
and not the other way around!

2 bananas and water

2006-08-01T23:47:00.000-07:00

I woke up at 6 am in the morning and did pranayam (breathing exercises) till 8 am. I felt so good connecting with myself. I felt fresh like a rose bud.
I took bath with a new soap. This one is called 'mysore rose sandalwood' soap. It is like a huge round cricket ball and rose coloured. I love new soaps, I feel like I'm unwrapping a gift.
I love having a bath, nothing feels good other than having a hot water bath when it is raining heavily.
On my way to work, today I did not listen to the radio. For today I'd decided I'm going to just sit beside myself and listen to me. So as I rode to work, I listened to my own deep inner feelings and felt my emotions. I went inside me and saw myself. How I looked inside, I felt myself by touching myself and smelt my own skin's sweet fragrance. I did this all throughout my way to work even as I looked outside, I was focussed inside of me.
At work today, I observed myself (whenevever I remembered) and I caught myself critisicing and manipulating situations and people. I let myself do what I want to. No forcing and no pushing. And let myself be the observer and the observed both at the same time. This I've realised is making me amazingly aware of myself. Making me aware of my beliefs.
Tonight my dinner has been two steamed bananas and water. Appreciate myself for eating healthy.
I've spread my blanket and bedsheets and will roll off to a peaceful night's sleep now.

what to write?

2006-07-30T23:11:00.000-07:00

This weekend I took a turmeric oil bath at home. My grandmom used to give us this bath when we were little children. Turmeric is an antiseptic and great for healing and relaxing the body. Further, it also helps to remove any scars or black marks on the skin, including the tan. Infact, immediately after the bath, you may end up glowing yellow. Once a while I like to pamper myself with these home-made remedies. It makes me feel good when I take care of my body. The oil makes me soft brown skin smoother and nourishes my skin. I am feeling lovely after this bath.

I spent some quite time looking at the green garden outside my home. I'm fascinated and in love with the colour: forest green. The other day as I was passing through the hill, I got caught up in a traffic jam (due to a vehicle breakdown) so I took a different route through the forest and oh my goodness, what beauty, what exquisite grace, what unbelievable freshness I felt as I passed through the woods. All my negativity was sucked away by the trees and the leaves. I thought, I dare not blink for what if I miss out something! Something about the colour green of the leaves and the forests, it totally captivates me and mesmerises me. I feel hypnotised and as I if energy is flowing from them into me. I want to jump out of my rick, fuck work and run into the forests and lie down on the grass and lean on the rice fields. I've a feeling, soon I'll be talking and listening to the trees and leaves. For I can so feel their presence and energies.

I really don't know what to write my friends. I don't have anything or anyone happenning in my life. I work from 9 am to 7pm on weekdays. I go for dialysis at nights on two weekdays. I go for my martial arts class on three days of the week. I visit my grandmom every Saturday. I write a poem or two and a few posts. I do a little breathing and a little reading. That's all my life is all about, right now.

No exciting late night parties, no amazing guys and gals, but I've a grandmom whom I'm crazy about. I can still practise martial arts and I'm doing the backward and side rolls well now. I'm listening to Pretty Woman on radio right now. I may pick up some nice clothes in the coming few weeks. I may go dancing or learning guitar in the coming weeks. I may ask that ninja teacher to teach me ninjitsu.

So I can write about all my dreams, things I want to do and be, my fantasies (sexual and otherwise). I can write about my lonely nights and the bird's flight. The shining sun and the shine in my eyes. I can tell you about the little flowers which are growing near the gutter happily, gracefully with joy. I can tell you how I marvel their beauty, the inner strength and their smile through the storms and the sorching heat. I can tell you how many stars shine in my sky. I can tell you that I saw a moon tonight through the dense leaves. I can tell you how I love the rains and how much I love getting wet. I can tell you how much I hug myself and put myself to sleep. I can tell you how I always wake up with a smile. I can tell you how lovely I looked each day.

Now, don't I have sooooooooooooooooooo many things to write about friends?

I look lovely

2006-07-26T23:00:00.000-07:00

I looked lovely today at work and got many compliments on my new hair cut. I used to tie a pony tail earlier as my hair was too long to leave it open. One girl even told me it has given me a complete make-over. So I'm extremely happy with my new look.
I've been working very hard in Dept S2 and have come up with some excellent observations. Hopefully by mid-next week, I should be rolling out that document. I love the work I'm doing.
My boss is now-a-days not in a good mood as he feels he is not getting the recognition he deserves despite the fact that our project has taken off so well. I feel his depressed and frustrated energy when I meet him. When I inform him the positive feedback of the various departments, he says: "What am I going to get out of this?" I feel his negativity. But I'm recognising it and I'll work on it so that I'm not affected by him. And somewhere I'm glad I'm not thinking like him.
I share all the knowledge I know with my colleague and impart training and learning skills to him so that he can do the job as perfectly as I do it. Initially I was insecure becoz I have learnt it the hard way and I'd noone to train me. But I let that go and kept doing what I thought I should rightfully do, which is tell him or anyone working with me all that I know. I appreciate myself so much for this. My achievements, my accomplishments, my successes, my victories have nothing to do with anyone else. They are all based on my own energies and vibrations. There is so much in this infinite universe, unlimited resources, for all of us. The only limitation is our imagination. If only we can stretch that to encompass everyone and eveything in it..even the most remotest and unbelievable possibilities are attainable, if we can imagine it, we can be it. I don't need to hide, hoard or manipulate knowledge or information for that. The more I give, I'm opening myself to the gifts of the universe, I'm allowing myself to recieve all the gifts, even the biggest, brightest and most vibrant ones...even the ones which I'm right now unable to concieve and imagine are right on their way to me...all I need to do is open my soulful eyes and see them, open my heart to be able to recieve them and extend my arms full of love to embrace them.
My computer has hundreds of problems right now. Today I got my speakers (which had no sound since last 15 days) repaired. I can now see movies and listen to songs on my comp. How wonderful is that!
For the very first time, a martial arts teacher (this sensie teaches stick fighting and kick boxing) has invited me to visit his class. The place where he teaches is far away from my workplace so I've told one of his students I may not be able to join. But nevertheless, I've come a long way from where I used to go from dojo to dojo and beg them to take me to now when very skilled teachers are inviting me to at least view their class..all this knowing about my present health condition. I feel this teacher wants to see me and meet me. So this friday I'll go and meet him and watch a session.
My hot water bath after work made me feel so good. I didnt feel like leaving the bathroom.
I'm unable to reply to the comments right now (due to reasons I cannot comprehend) but I appreciate I can at least post new posts. If I face the same problem tomm, then I'll make a post of my comments and reply to them.
I've had a great day just as I anticipated. I'm really thankful to myself for it. I look forward to tommorrow's day. I love that I'm so alive and enthusiastic. It's time to kiss myself to sleep. Goodnight sweeties.

appreciations of the day

2006-07-26T08:50:00.000-07:00

Things I appreciate about yesterday:

I have trimmed my hair. Actually cut it by about 4 inches. Now I can leave it open. It looks lovely. So that felt really really good. Especially since I don't blow dry my hair or use any straitners on it. Just wash, shampoo and conditioner and there my hair bounces away beautifully. About a year and half ago, my hair used to be really frizzy and I tried putting all kinds of straitners on it and nothing worked. Now suddenly since last few months, the frizziness has just gone away and the hair has become straight on its own. This to me sounds like a miracle. But I should learn to get used to them in my life now ;) I appreciate that I have lovely hair.
A particular department head and his people were raving about the models I've prepared at work and the kind of output I'm delivering. The department head even said that I should probably open my own consultancy as I'm brilliant at what I do. That was certainly nice to hear.
I saw 'S' guy when I was descending the stairs. I asked him, "So, how are you?" He replied "Oh, Bad without you". Somehow these words did not have the impact it had earlier on me. I smiled and told him, "Again?" and just walked away. I'm glad I'm now calm and happy about myself and at peace with me.
My colleage and I made plans and deadlines. He is very cooperative and works hard. We both during coffee time, set targets on how we are going to achieve the deadlines. I appreciate that between the two of us, in our two member team, there is team-work, cooperation and understanding.
Sometime during my work-day, I go to the office gym. We have a treadmill, a carom board and a table tenis court there. I ensure that at least for 15 mts a day I play TT and enjoy myself. Today my colleague was unable to join me. I went to the gym alone and asked the helper boy who sits there, if he would play with me. He and I played TT till some other guy joined us. In short I had a great time. I'm glad that I did not wait there feeling bad that I had no company and just went and did what I want. These little things which I am doing and the way I'm perceiving things is very important. They shape my beliefs and my reality.
I had an amazing martial arts session and I have improved in doing the rolls. And the guys who have been teaching me were proud of the improvement too.
Nothing like a hot water bath at 10:30 pm (thats when I returned home yesterday) after a long day at work and then a great aikido session.
Peaceful deep sleep with dreams. I dream everyday. They are weird dreams but I dream for sure and I remember quite a bit of it too.

Time for me to run to bath and get started as a new day has arrived here. New dreams and thousands of possibilities await me today. I'm going to try and appreciate everything and every moment of the day. I'm going be aware of the times i discount myself or others during the day. I don't remember a single day when all I did was appreciate myself and all around me.

Today will be different though. Today is my day of appreciating everything about me and my life and others. My conversations are going to be out of joy. My mind is going to be in bliss. I'm going to have a full day of focus, love and enjoyment. I'm going to try not to discount myself at least for a single day! I'll let you know the progress tommorrow.

For now my red bucket of hot water is calling me. It wants to touch my soft brown skin desperately. I'll see you all today evening and I'll reply to the comments too then. I'vent had much time yesterday as I arrived late from work.

breathlessness

2006-07-24T14:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday night till today early morning hours, have been very trying for me. I went to sleep normally and perfectly well at around 12 am. Barely by 1:30 am, I was woken up by severe palpitations. I felt shortness of breath. I've never ever in my entire life had these breathlessness problems, so but naturally, I was scared. I sat up immediately and realised that I was feeling like I'm heading towards being chocked. I just could not breathe properly. The breath which normally flows so effortlessly that we don't even know that we're breathing, was taking so much effort on my part now. I could feel my heart pounding so fast, I thought my heart would fall out.

I started taking long breathes and saying to myself 'I love you'. I wanted to convey to my body and mind that whatever they choose to do, I'm with them. Even though I was terribly scared and totally alone. I tossed and turned in my bed. Tried different positions. By now I could feel some sounds from where my right kidney was located in my body. I did not know, if this was for the better or for worse. I felt like my right kidney was moving or something the moment it would touch the bed. I got further nervous and just got up.

I went to the other room, I saw my sister was reading magazines. I asked her if she will sleep with me as I was feeling unwell and scared. She said that you'll be fine and went to the loo. I didn't feel like waking up anyone else at home (i.e. my parents) for I know though they love me, they will be more tensed and panicy and that will work me up more. I needed someone right now, who will make me feel relaxed and help me to trust myself so that I can wade through this phase easily. Not someone who will become hyper and have a helpless look on their face and everytime I look into their eyes, I see fear and total helplessness as I was going to die.

I went back to my room and sat near the window looking out into the darkness. I started taking long breaths even as I found that extremely difficult. I took air and exhaled it out. The moment I would stop, I felt like someone was strangling my neck and I'm getting chocked. I felt like I'd die if I stop. I continued this. Sitting in the dark, I was so scared, that I couldnt even cry. I wanted to call up someone and tell them what was happenning with me. Not just anyone. Someone who I trusted will help me to focus on myself and not get all jitterry and nervous. I realised, there was no such person in this entire world, who I was comfortable calling at 3 am in the morning to merely express what I was feeling. Forget about being hugged and kissed, near and far there was noone, absolutely noone I felt comfortable calling. Infact, I felt I dare not call or tell anyone, all I could envisage them telling me is rush to the hospital. But the point was, If I myself did not know what was happenning in me and I could barely describe my feelings, how will the doctors know. I don't want to end up hospitalised with IVs in my arms and they taking all possible blood tests and everyone assuming I may have this problem. I dont feel comfortable about all this.

Then as I sat there lonely and tired of trying to breathe, I felt if there is anyone I might call, It may be my ex. I could still call him, after all what happenned between us. Knowing that he wants to be friends with me and I'm still recovering from our break-up and hence kind of distant and cold. I felt in the middle of the night, maybe, just maybe, I could call him. Just to tell him what was happenning in me. Just to talk a bit and to express a little. But again, It has taken me so much time and effort to get out of the pain-pangs of that relationship and I did not want to feel dependant on him again or encourage him. So I thought of this and let the thought pass. Just letting the feeling sink in.

And suddenly in the pitch darkness, where there was no movement and pin drop silence, I saw a few leaves dance for moments. I felt so glad that the leaves woke up for me. They probably wanted to tell me that I'm not alone. They are with me and they are watching me, sending me their energy, the vitality, the freshness of the forest green color. This happenned twice. I felt better knowing that I'm not alone. I don't need to request the leaves and trees to sit beside me and listen to me. They are my best friends. They are so aware of me. They love me so much.

I slowly tried to lay down and go to sleep. It was extremely difficult. I think I fell asleep taking long breaths and telling myself that I'm there for me and I love me. Only to wake up suddenly at around 6 am with the same feelings of palpitations and this time with a splitting headache and terrible cough like someone was chocking me again. Unable to bear this pain and discomfort, I wrote a poem and posted it. I felt like I was expressing to the world at large and boy! that made me feel a little better. I could barely sit as I was typing the poem, I felt my head was being pounded by thousands of iron rods. My eyes were closing and my palpitations were increasing. I just posted it and fell back on my bed. And tried hard to sleep, stroking my own hair and telling myself that I love me too much to let myself alone.

The very feelings of being chocked which I was afraid to face. I let myself feel it. I stopped taking long deep breaths and let myself feel the short breaths, even the feeling of being chocked. I let myself feel the loneliness and the feeling of being alone. I just gave in to those feelings, without trying to fight them or resist them. Something wonderful happenned then. I was not feeling like I'm going to die anymore. I started feeling just a little bit easy. I felt the terribly fast heart beats but my heart did not fall out. The short breaths did not strangle me. The splitting headache did not burst my head into a thousand pieces. I felt slightly easy and drifted off to sleep.

I woke up feeling much better. I woke up knowing that there is noone for me. I know I cried thinking about it. I know the numerous times I hug the pillow and wet it with my tears. Inspite and despite of all of this, I feel a little stronger than before. I feel like I've tried facing the fear of sitting with noone but me. I can now trust myself just a bit more than before. I am just a little less dependent for anyone than before. I'm just a little more confident than before. Maybe I'm just a little more conscious of my own self...trust equal to a grain of sand...that's all, but that itself makes me feel a little different. I'm changing again.

Maybe that is why I was short of breath. Maybe that is why all this happenned. To tell me that I'm born free. I don't need to feel rejected or abandoned. And even if I do feel it, its just OK. It won't kill me. Feeling my feelings, no matter what they are, can never cause me harm. My feelings are communications to me. My body is my instrument helping me and aiding me in my journey. They are because of me and for me.

So that's my little story of the day. The sky is still blue here, I know the leaves and trees are proud of me. I can feel the slight breeze kissing my cheeks and the naughty wind romancing with my hair. Life is still beautiful!

clearing my blurred vision

2006-07-23T23:27:00.000-07:00

Now-a-days, there are just the three or four of us for aikido practice. Sensei has gone on vacation to California. I'm finding these sessions incredibely useful for, presently, I'm the only person not doing the rolls well and the two senior guys spend most of their time trying to observe the manner in which I do it incorrectly so that they can offer me tips to do it correctly. They told me that as they observe me, they are doing better rolls because the start thinking and inventing new and easier methods to kiss the mat and rise up again.

Something so special about intense physical exercise, martial arts, it triggers me and makes me come alive. I simply love it. I'm so glad that I have martial arts in my life. So we have these wonderful practice sessions, me and two guys. What's so lovely about it is, we are all young, we don't have a teacher (right now) to monitor us, and we're indulging in physical sport. We touch each other all the time. Grab each other. The guys have drawn lines (invisible lines with fingers) on my back so many times to tell me how to roll rightly. We talk all the while about the butt and the shoulders and the back. We're forever on alert and observant of each other during the session.

And we are all just like three girls or three guys together. No misbehaving. No making fun of each other. No ego tustle. No insecurity. No need in us to prove we are better than the rest. Just plain pure practice. Plain joy. We laugh and crack jokes . And yet we are totally serious about our sessions. Like three children climbing the mountain, helping each other, celebrating each other's strengths and working on each other's weaknesses. The energy is so happy, so pure, so lovely. It feels so wonderful to be there. I'm so comfortable and so is everyone else.

In the corner of the class, is a long curtain. We change our dress behind it. After class, the girls, if there are any (presently I'm the only girl still coming to the dojo. We have two more girls but they don't come now-a-days) go to change their clothes first and then the guys.

I love the feeling of being able to do what I love and have such an lovely ambience to do it. These are the incredible joys of my life. They astound me that I can have so much happiness and such interesting people around me. I am consciously recognising these blessings. There are so many more, in my life, I'm clearing my blurred vision so that I can notice them, acknowledge them and appreciate them.

a moment of now

2006-07-22T00:12:00.000-07:00

So I'm back in action. Yipeeeeeee. :)

So what have I been upto, lately?

My desperation levels for a guy in my life are reducing and boy! I'm so glad about it. Something about this feeling of craving which is not very enjoyable...I think I stop living and only crave and that leads to a feeling of great 'LACK' and I don't enjoy the feeling of lack. It is a very strange feeling indeed! One feels deprived..of love, lust, affection, money, abundance, power..it could be anything. It gives rise to a strange feeling of powerlessness. This leads to self pity and a feeling of being a victim. And though I do have each one of these aspects in me, they don't dominate me as much as they used to in the past. I'm glad for that.

For when I don't feel the lack, in any manner, I feel complete. There are for sure, a few fleeting moments in my day, when I feel this completeness. A perfect harmony with myself. When I just adore myself and love everyone and everything around me. Maybe this moment lasts merely for a nanosecond. But, I'm delighted that I'm begining to notice it.

So now-a-days, I'm living more in the NOW. In the pure now. In the vibrant now. In the joyful now. In the spontaneous now. Where I'm not waiting endlessly to fall in love or dying for anyone's look or feel, I'm feeling just good about myself and my day goes with all the numerous tasks and things I've lined up for me.

I also know that it does to take time for me to get into the craving mood again. Probably it requires that guy S (on whom i 'had' a crush) to give me another look and say something sweet and I'll be falling all over him once again. But yet I know that there are these in between moments, when I'm in and out of my own make-believe worlds, when I'm happy being just the way I am. I so appreciate these moments. May these moments last for ever and ever in my life.

This moment is nothing but abundance. Funny thing about abundance is that we dont need our pockets full of money or all the power in the world or beauty or name or fame or all the women or men to make us feel full. Abundance works in the most amazing ways. It can make you feel joyful to the brim, overflowing with happiness, sparkle your eyes with light, fill your hearts with love...even as it fills your pockets with air! I think it just raises you above all of this for a moment, and you stand there watching all the people around you...and you know, you don't have it all, you may never have it all, and yet you don't feel resentment towards those who have it, you just smile to yourself and walk away...for somewhere and somehow,
you feel complete
your pockets are full of air..and complete!

reply to comments

2006-07-18T08:16:00.000-07:00

Sweet Butterfly, I loved visiting your blog...it is all so pink and dreamy like a strawberry cake. How i miss reading about you, the German and SP. How are things at your end, butterfly? I do hope your German is holding you close, hugging you tight and kissing you deeply on your lips. Thank you for your love and prayers, they'll keep me safe and secure admist a thousand blasts and illnesses :)

I won't be able to comment on your blog till blogger solves this problem, my apologies for that. But i'll keep posting here and I'm so glad i can read your comments through my email and now, I'll preserve your email address too. Sleep well and sweet dreams tonight :)

unable to see any blog

2006-07-17T23:14:00.000-07:00

Hi Friends, i can only post. I cannot see my own pages and i cannot see any of your pages too.I can read your comments as they come into my email. But i cannot reply to them as i cannot access my homepage. I dont know what to do now.

So please bear with me and hopefully this problem will be sorted out on its own.

ERRORThe requested URL could not be retrievedWhile trying to retrieve the URL: http://anustory.blogspot.com/

The following error was encountered:Connection Failed

This is the error i'm getting, on every blog which i access. I miss tasting a slice of your life from your blog.
I tried accessing my blog and other blogs from work, but i get the same error. So now i know, it is not something to do with my computer or server blocking pages. But i'm going to keep posting, even if i cannot read!

Kisses n Hugs to you

weekend specials

2006-07-09T20:49:00.000-07:00

I’m going to get out from home every weekend to just feel the breeze and the air and its softness on my face.

This weekend I caught up with my friend N, we met on Saturday in one of the nice places in the city, where I plan to buy my home. Buying an apartment in this place is really expensive but it has so many trees and it is so cool and there are flowers and butterflies too. I love this entire ambience. So I’m not going to settle for anything less.

N is a lovely girl, now separated (not legally though) living on her own working in a Bank. We used to work together till four months ago, when she switched jobs. We love each other’s company. Since she changed jobs, we haven’t met and she has been missing me a lot too.

Fun things I did this weekend: (I hope to post something like this every weekend)

I met N, after a four months on Saturday and I loved every moment with her.
I ate corn and crep pancakes in an amazing resturant and they were lovely.
I enjoyed the cool breeze near the sea.
I had great laughter session with N. We were walking like drunken girls as we told each other our (love) stories, our silly stories, our dumb stories, our dreams, our fantasies and leched at every good-looking guy.
I had lovely Italian icecream – guava flavour.
On Sunday I went for a head massage in an amazing place and it wasn’t even expensive. Those tingling sensations going all over me as that guy massaged my hair (which is long and flowing and looks so lovely) was making me smile so much and guys on either side, especially that foreigner kept staring at me. But when I would look at them, they would abruptly turn their eyes away. Anyways, I just closed my eyes and felt every single feeling and enjoyed myself.
Riots broke out in Bombay today and N got all hyper as to what to do and where to go. I was so cool and these things like fire, riots, terrorism etc do not scare me or make me nervous at all. I told her the hospital where I take dialysis is just about 10 mts away from the parlour. I know people over there, the hospital is almost like a five-star hotel, there is a restaurant, we can go to the dialysis ward - I have friends there, the security guys know me well so they wont question – in short I assured her that we’ll be safe. So we went to my hospital and had a great lunch there.
Since we had no idea if the riots would stop, I used my visiting card to make a reservation for a single room with a double occupancy in one of the 3-star hotels nearby the hospital.
Later in the evening things were fine and N went home and I went to the sea-side. I sat there on the wall looking at the waves and the sun and feeling the cool breeze rocking me. I felt so beautiful. Everyone there was a couple or in a group and they kept staring at me. This was so distracting.

But nature did not stare at me. The waves were so comfortable with me being alone. The clouds drifted happily making designs in the sky to entertain me. The sun was playing hide-n-seek with me. The cool breeze was romancing with my hair and slapping my face with its kisses. I had all romance I wanted in that one hour near the ocean.

That’s all what is needed to make me enthusiastic about life and about me. Give me a wave, a sun peeking out of the clouds, a laughing flower, a dancing blade of grass and I’m fulfilled. Sometimes I don’t open my eyes to see this beauty. And sometimes, I do, like today..

milestone

2006-07-06T08:43:00.000-07:00

It has been raining very heavily here and i've already missed two days work. I'm so eager to get back to work. To do something with my time and life. Something which thrills me and excites me. I've managed to bring that intensity and creativity in my work. I've also managed to create a decent harmonious atmosphere to work in, without much bugging from my bosses. Those days of mental abuse at work are out of my records now. I now want to proceed to ease my life a bit and ease my timings and yet have a constant good flow of income. I am really appreciate of this change. It means a lot to me as i am a creator and my workplace is where i unleash one of my aspects.

The next thing i've really wanted in life is to get rid of the pain i've had in my earlier relationship. There was a time, quite recently, about three-four months ago, when i was sick in pain resulting from a of a series of mis-understandings, mis-givings, mis-quotings, bitterness, bitching in my relationship. So much so that i thought i'll die without him and i'll die because of this pain. I used to call up my ex desperate to just listen to his voice and beg him to take me back in his life. I just could not handle it. I have spent endless nights crying begging for some relief from the break-up. In that process, i started this blog of appreciating myself. To start loving myself. I started saying 'I love me'. I started noticing to appreciate myself and all the little things around me which give me joy. I've come a long way today, my ex called me up yesterday and i can now talk to him 'normally' and not feel the pining and the desperation and the restlessness to be a part of his world. Infact, he made an offer that i may want to work with him, but i did not take it up as i have already too much on my plate. I am begining to now understand, what it means to 'love yourself'. Just a little bit of understanding of myself equal to a grain of sand, can make such a huge difference in my life is so mind-blowing. Probably, this is what they call as a 'sense of self'. And i've just had a taste of what it means to have faith and conviction in oneself and it has already astounded me with its results. I am very appreciative of my own growth and the little peace of mind i've developed in and around me.

Next, I want to cure my kidneys. I dont know how. But i'm going to figure it all out. If i can come this far, there is no reason why i cannot go any further. If we create our own world we can also uncreate it. And i am going to do this with the power of 'love'. This is what i want now. I want to cure myself and heal myself. I dont want to be an inspiration to anyone through my ability to handle my illness. I want to inspire myself through health, abundance, beauty and prosperity. Simply because i deserve it as much as anyone else. I am not going to go through endless ordeals and wars to gain back my kingdom of heath. I'm going to do it with effortless ease. Just as it happenned out of the blue, its going to dissapear and disintegrate into thin air. I will do it by saying these three words: "I love you" to myself. I'll say this to myself, again and again, till it reaches every cell of my body and mixes with every drop of my blood and is a part of every hair follicle in my skin. I appreciate that i have this opportunity to turn things around and the urge to take up this challenge with a smile and work with it. My body is not my enemy. It is my alley. It is for me and not against me. It loves me more than anyone else and it will respond to me. And i'm jst going to believe in it.... in me.

Now, its still raining so heavily, but i'm an explorer and i'm going to still try getting to work. Not becoz i want to be heroic but becoz i just want to start working. I want to do something creative in that area. And when i want something, it will be done...no ifs and buts! All i need to do is, ask with love....to myself!

remove thy mask

2006-07-04T01:17:00.000-07:00

All the kings horses and all the kings men,
could not provide Ms Anu B with a perfect solution..

Hold on, i am removing my mask!

Now we may speak. I had a secret craving, my whole life, that i will meet the most gorgeous man on earth and he will fall for me deeply and we will be living happily ever after in our palace. Okay, that 'had' may be 'still have'. In my earlier relationship too, this was my only focus. So with the S guy too, this is precisely the problem.
The sheer insecurity. No matter what i write in my poems, i know it still lurks below underneath.

I barely know this guy and i've hardly exchanged a hello with him and i'm already upset that he invited another girl to the disc. I'm upset imagining the probability of him 'cheating' on me, when i dont even know him and neither does he know me. Oh boy, give me a break from myself!!

The problem here is not 'him'. The problem is not even 'me'. The problem is that 'there is NO problem' and i'm bent upon creating one, it appears to me.

Do you see, how our own fears and insecurities, cloud our eyes? There is nothing to be done here or thought of, except that i need to be honest with my own feelings. The only way i can neutralize a belief is by recognising it and admitting it, to begin with.

I will try and be as honest i can with myself. That is all is required of me. I'll keep admitting and opening my hidden box of fears, hurts, insecurities, again and again till i know each one of them by their first name.

Right now my biggest fear is: what if he makes fun of me and plays with me and dumps me..?
and second is: what if he is not the right man for me?

Okay, there, i've said it. I know you two now. I dont have any answers to these questions. I have removed my mask and i dont even want to pretend i have any answers by writing any cool things.

I'll just make one promise to myself that i'll want to be honest with myself and make a 'choice' each moment and live in each moment. And we'll see where we go from there.

I'll simply do what i feel like. What my heart says. What my inner self says to me.

new developments

2006-07-01T16:14:00.000-07:00

At work i was trying to be totally focussed and reminding myself to just stay in the now and not think of the 'surprise guy'. Early morning, i decided to do some reading and was just collecting my papers to go to the coffee room at work. And guess what is see? That guy, lets call him "S", the surprise guy, walked past through a paralled line of cubicles from where i was seated. Our cubicles are right in the middle of the office and there are people passing all the while. But from where i sit, i could see S had positioned himself diagonally opposite and was talking to someone. It seemed like the perfect place to watch me from. If i hadn't noticed him pass, i would never be looking diagonally across. I picked my papers and proceeded to the coffee room and i see S looking at me and rushing past the cubicles in full speed and suddenly i find him standing in front of me. The conversation then went like this:

S - Hi
anu - Hi, how are you
S - Better, now that i'm talking to you (smiling ear to ear)
anu - (i think i must've given away all my feelings with that wide grin on my face) so whats your name?
S - XXX (he is a muslim guy with one of those exotic muslim names)
anu - Wow, that sounds like the name of a Moghul Emperor (it really sounded like one and i almost thought next, he is going to tell me 'he' is the Moghul Emperor)
S - It IS the name of a Moghul emperor, the father of Princess Razia Sultan. Whats your name?
anu - "Anu" (i felt my name ended even before i started it) and wow you have an exotic name

S and I, both were smiling and we both turned and walked away. I went to the pantry almost skipping. I was thrilled on meeting him. My heart beat was faster and if felt a rush of energy in me. Its been such a long time since i felt like this for someone. So i was on cloud nine. But this feeling did not last long..

And there is more to S i learnt, when a colleague from my department told me that S had been pursuing friendship with my good friend "V' (who is now no more working with us since last 2 mths) and he had been pestering her to come to his house for a party. He even told her "my mom will be at home and there will be some friends. Why dont you come? Don't you go to discos and pubs? Please come". But for some reason V said 'No' even though S kept pestering her a lot.

Hearing this actually dampenned my enthusiasm about S. I had taken the print of my poem "the surprise" to give it to him, but i just tore it and threw it in the dustbin. I now have all kinds of feeling going in my head. What if S is just wanting a fling or something? What if i get hurt in all this? Do i really want to get into something like this? Okay so i dont know what S is upto with me and now i am confused.

So now i'm having all these fears and insecurities bugging me. Yet, i am going to enjoy this moment for what it is. Just appreciate him for noticing and his expressions. Observe my judgemental reactions about him but not let it prevent me from being myself. I need to be more trusting of myself here. This is not a relationship anu, (i'm telling myself) just some fun and frolick..so just take it for what it is and don't think too much.

Then i told myself this: Look at a child. If you lift it in your arms, it smiles at you. Now if you put child down it may cry for a moment for it likes to be carried but it just gets distracted in something else, maybe the speck of dust, a cotton ball rolling or a black crow screaming...is all what a baby needs to fascinate itself. The child is not cursing you endlessly when you place it down, not clinging on to you, nothing..it just believes in the boundless endless joys that flows from the universe. It trusts itself.

I’m going to dare to feel the little flutter of my heart, the romance and the tingling sensations I’m feeling now. I will bring to life that child like romance, unconditional love in me. I will do that by being me and by trusting me and by knowing that, no one absolutely no one can hurt me. I’m there for myself and I’ll always be there for me. In this love for myself which i am developing, I’ll find the courage to say what I feel and also the comfort of being safe for I’m always going to be noticing how I am feeling. I will explore and experience, and yet come back home to myself every night, to a place in my heart, in my soul, where I nurture myself and see myself glow...

rant

2006-06-29T22:31:00.000-07:00

Nothing happenned with the guy today. He did come to collect the TDS Certificates from R and just then went away. So i wonder if this is the end of my love story.

Now-a-days i fulfill my dreams in my fantasies and my imaginations as they are all that is left. I can't believe this! I'm so pretty, slim, intelligent, sensitive, honest, lovely and (many more things) yet how is it that i'm not having any admirers. I dont have any boyfriend/(s). Even the slum dweller and the garbage cleaner have relationships. So does the ugly duckling and the physically challenged. I must be really something out of the world to be living like this. I dont want a relationship but i dont even have two boy friends (not boy-friends meaning lovers, just friends who are boys) with whom i can go for movies or go to the beach or just hang around or call when i am lonely. I'm losing my patience now. But i dont even have anyone here to lose my patience on, except this blog. I dont like coming home now-a-days, becoz i dont know what to do coming home other than sit on the net or listen to music or sleep. I dont know where this entry is going, writing all this is just making me more miserable.

I got my bonus cheque today and it is not making me any happier. I gave my money to my parents. I dont care what anyone does with it. They seemed happy. I dont know, i'm not happy. Not becoz that guy is not making any advances. I'm not happy becoz i dont know what to do. I dont have any friends. I want go for Superman and i'll be begging my sister to come with me. She said yes but she may change her mind any moment and then i'll go alone.

I want to kissed and hugged and loved. Sometimes when i am writing all that i am, i'm wondering if i wrote those poems which makes one feel that oh this girl must be so centered. But i just need to be honest with myself. I am not feeling fulfilled right now.

I dont have friends here and i feeling alone. Becoz its months now that i've even spoken to someone interesting even for 5 minutes. I want to heal my kidneys and i dont know how. How do i get out of these whirlpool of issues. I'm trying so hard to listen to myself. But by the time i feel "oh well, i am now begining to understand myself.." I end up like this.

But i know this is not in vain. I cant wait to see what's at the end of this tunnel? So far, no matter what, i've always got what i've wanted. And these struggles have always left me a sweeter, stronger, wiser and more beautiful person. So there is no reason that should not happen now. I dont know how it is going to happen. But i am sure the outcome will be something i love.

I just have to be patient with the process and make it as lovely and enjoyable as i can. The pain i endured when my first and only relationship went broke is nothing in comparison to what i am ranting about now. Infact that pain has brought me closer to myself. And that very pain has brought a certain depth and character with me. And what's more, that pain does not exist anymore! And the scars are dying too and my fresh skin is glowing. See? I can have the cake and eat it too.

At work, i am not having the appreciation and money i want. But i am having real 'work happenning'. Every day i am excited to go to work and meet people and discuss and offer them ideas and work around to find ways and means to improve my company's bottomline. How many people feel happy to go to work, eh? I'm very happy to go to work. Those days of being abused are gone. Now there is fun, laughter, creativity and brilliance in my work.

I know my health is not deteriorating. I know i can still go to aikido. I know at least i have a sister (even if she is in her own world at times). I know i have a good rick guy who can take me out of the thick of the traffic. At least i got a bonus (no matter how little it may be). I dont have friends but i smile at everyone at work and they all smile back (mostly). I get to listen to my favourite hindi song sometimes when i start the radio. I've the most loveliest eyes you'd have ever seen. And so what if my lips have never been kissed so very passionately, they still make my smile the most vibrant of all!

the drop of water

2006-06-29T08:20:00.000-07:00

I wish i knew how to post links here in this blog. I met the guy in the poem "the surprise" yesterday at work. Oh god, i was dying to meet him. He was talking to his friend and he had to collect some TDS certificates from my colleague R who sits beside me. So he walked up in between both of us and started talking loudly to his friend. I was getting pretty distracted by his presence and all i remember is he advising his friend about some car in US and kept saying "oh it is so sexy, oh it is so sexy". I couldn't help laughing hearing him actually using the word "sexy" more than necessary and that too so loudly as if he was trying to say something. Suddenly my eyes met his, but he just stared at me for a moment and then continued his conversation about the "car" with his friend. Then he met my colleague. She had apparently not processed his certificates. But he very sweetly with the softest voice i've ever heard told her, "you forgot, didn't you?" And i found that so sweet! But then he just went away.

Oh god! i was so restless. I just wanted to go upto him and say what i have been practising and rehearsing to say since last friday when that "surprise" incident happenned. I wanted to say to him, "I loved what you said to me and i wrote a poem about it. I would like to share that poem with you." I asked my colleague R and told her what happenned between the guy and me. She could not help laughing and said she can keep making him come to her as long as i wanted as she is processing his TDS certificates. LOL we both laughed. But she told me, he is going for the day. Oh man! i felt so sad. All i wanted was to tell him what i felt.

Anyways the juice maker guy P, is very fond of me. Last week he came to invite me for his wedding. So in the afternoon i put a hundred ruppee note in an envelope to gift it to Pravin. Then i went down to the cafeteria in the 2nd floor taking the stairs to give this to P. Who is a lovely shy boy, extremely sweet and adorable. I feel he likes me too as he charges me only half of what he does to anyone LOL. And no matter what, never takes a rupee more from me. Also he has this sweet smile when he sees me.

And when i was done with that and i was coming up the stairs again, guess what happenned? I met this guy again and god, i was shocked for a second. All the while i'd been looking for him and he was not there and when i think he has gone home, he casually arrives with tapes. He smiled asking his trademark statement "how are you" and in my state of confusion i said "Hi, i wanted to tell you that....(stammerring)...(fingers drumming on the wall).....i'm fine" (Oh shit, what am i saying, i thought in my mind). He had this strange smile on his face and he looked so relaxed there i felt like a bunch of nerves.

So before he could run away,i managed to mutter, "Oh no that is not what i wanted to say (there i go again, why do i do these things, sigh). I then ended up saying this, "I really liked what you said that day" . Now this guy had a serious look on his face and his eyes rolled up as if he was thinking what i meant by that and what he had said. I continued, "the comment you made that day, i really liked it" By now he figured out what i was talking about and smiled and blushed and started to turn away and walk away (and i was thinking, oh god he is walking away, why is going away). And i managed to add this "oh well, how many times do you get to hear an interesting comment like that!". He just smiled and ran away and i pretended to be in a hury too.

Later i saw him somewhere else in the office and he just looked at me and smiled and looked down. Oh god, i so wanted to talk to him. My colleague R asked me "why dont you invite him for tea". I dont know i feel he will just figure out how restless and desperate i am and might make fun of me or run away. I'm really having a huge crush on him. But right now i'm late for work and it is ab out to rain heavily here. I better rush.

But having said all this, i know this may turn to nothing, yet this little incident did bring a flutter to my dead dry life and i appreciate it for what it is. Even if it is just a drop of water, at least it for a moment quenched my thirst of a connection which i really felt, for the two cents that it is worth!

the making of the me

2006-06-22T00:44:00.000-07:00

Everytime i write a post, since last two days, my computer gets hung and i lose it. *sigh* Well, okay, at least i have a computer and it works. So let me count my blessings today.

At work, the people who i've been working with are raving about how brilliant i am and how they are totally blown away by the methods suggested by me (after studying their function) to improve their processes and increase their productivity and thereby help them meet their targets and add to the company's bottom line. One Business Head calculated and told me i'm saving millions of dollars i for my company as that is what a E&Y or PWC would charge. To add to this, he also told me that the company got away by giving me a mere 17% raise (which is what i get when i get a promotion) when i should be getting something far better. And he named a couple of guys and said, they do 10% of what you're doing and they are gettng so rich. Now i knew this. Just did not want to mull over it so when i did get my letter, i tried to be as happy as possible and forget the rest.

Now this discussion triggerred all my feelings. And i am feeling miserable now. And i don't like that i am not feeling good. More than the fact that the company has been unfair to me despite my brilliance or that i am losing out so much of everything, in comparison to others, what was disturbing me most was that, all it took for me to lose my peace and for my mind to fall into pieces is a few minutes. My bliss which i'd treasured so carefully in my heart was gone in moments.

I noticed these feelings of discomfort, stress, powerlessness and victimization entering my heart and as i struggled to close the door, they seeped in from under the door. I could feel it. I was breathing faster. My bright radiant smile had dissapeared. As i struggled with myself, i remembered the cool breeze, the green leaves, the blade of grass, fallen petals and the crumpled flowers and breathed inspiration from them. I wrote the poem "Bedazzled".

No matter what the reason be, nothing is more important than my peace of mind and the joy which radiates from my face and fills my heart. Nobody, absolutely nobody can make me feel like shit. Not my company, not my friends, not my bosses, not my boy-friend, not my kidneys and not even myself. The blade of grass dances with the same passion in the shores of the lake as it does in the smelly gutters. The gutter, the drainage, the garbage, people spitting and pissing on it, cannot make it feel any less than its glorious miraculous joyful self. So why should i feel any less?

I'm raising my vibration high...higher than anyone including myself can ever reach. I'm soaring high above the sky. I am feeling joyful. In that joy, i am complete, perfect with all my imperfections. I dont need any props in the form of health, wealth, etc to make me feel joyful and at bliss.

As i write this, I feel
as carefree as the feather falling perfectly in a distracted zig-zak manner,
as excited as the forever buzzing bumble bee,
as blissful as the lovely silver white swans in the lake,
as joyful as the green grass which dances so exuberantly when the slightest of the breeze blows,
as peaceful and at home as the dewdrop feels on the lotus petal...

gratitude

2006-06-20T02:05:00.000-07:00

Since the time i wrote that post 'the drowning' below, i've been more focussed in myself. Listening to the deep feeling tones in me.
I left for work with a mild headache but got so much accomplished today. I'm working on a document for one of our business functions analysing the processes and i had an excellent meeting with him. Since i've to figure out how to do my own stuff at work, i'm pretty excited at my progress. Oh, and my headache just vanished.
I came back really late from dialysis at 11 pm. But i'm still so fresh. It is 2 am here, and i was reading and surfing all this while. I'll be going to bed soon to dream peacefully and cuddle with my pillows. I appreciate that i can bounce back really fast :)
I love the music on wdky's blog. I dont know much about international music. So when i do understand or am able to genuinely appreciate it, i'm very excited. So i love the track you've played and that's one of the reasons i am sitting late. Becoz i kept playing the music not realising how fast time went.
I appreciate the two-three people who read this blog and comment - wdky, anon, amrit. Thank you. I felt your fondness and concern for me. I am very appreciative of it. There is one family in which we are born. But there is another family which we choose and connect to with love, in this family, there are no rules except the ones we make, there is no need for committment and there are no expectations. Probably that is why this family is so strong becoz it oozes with pure unconditional love. I find such a sweet family here. Where i can share my deepest secrets, my greatest sorrows and my loveliest joyful moments. Thank you for being so patient with me.
My finger has stopped hurting and is healing really fast.
I received an unexpected call from a friend who surprised me and it was fun talking to him.
I love my grandmom. She is one person who is so excited to talk to me. I just want to cure myuself so that she is really really happy and does not feel the pain of me having to go through the dialysis.
My cousin sister D wrote to me and i love her letters. Some day i shall write more abuot her. Right now i like that i replied back to her immediately as i know she will be delighted to hear from me.
Okay, i've a number of people who really like me. So now that i've pampered myself totally with your and my love, i can now peacefully go to bed.

the rising

2006-06-17T19:40:00.000-07:00

even as i drown
i know that i shall not sink
i shall breathe in the deep waters
float effortlessly
and be directed

the drowning

2006-06-17T19:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I met an old girl friend "S" after two years. I thought when she meets me, she is going to be so thrilled at all what i have become into in the last couple of years. I was almost preparing myself to receive a whole bunch of compliments, including the ones for my looks. I expected her to shower praises on me saying, "Oh, Anu, you look so lovely, blah blah blah."

We planned to meet at a resturant after work and she arrived 30 minutes late. I just sat there in the restuarant, listening to my fm radio, enjoying my music. S arrived looking lovely as ever. She had gained some weight and she looked so good. Her eyes were lovely and the curly locks of her hair fell beautifully on her cheeks. As soon as she saw me, she rushed to me and planted a nice juicy kiss on my cheeks.

It didnt feel like we were meeting after two years. We did not feel awkward and at loss for words. Infact we both started chatting almost immediately. The first words of S to me were, "Oh Anu, you've lost so much weight". I managed to murmur, "Oh well, it is nice to be thin you see." I asked her, "tell me how i look?" I was thinking since i've grown mentally, maybe my physcial looks have remained stable if not enhanced, and the kidney issue has not taken away my youth and vitality. But S said nothing about my looks in particular, repeating
again that i've lost weight.

As we continued our conversation, i was hoping to give lots of insights to S as i had assumed in my mind that i had more deeper learnings and realisations than her. But, i was in for a surprise. S was far less judgemental than I was. She was far less critical too. She was just being herself, while i was trying to be the best of 'me'. She actually surprised me when she told me about how the guys at her work place were so into her and there were a couple of them, who had expressed their deep love and affection to her and even proposed to her. She seemed so direct and candid as she told me how she handled her discussions with them as she felt they were not 'right' for her and she said she would rather have them as friends. She seemed so positive, brimming in joy and having a strong sense of herself, knowing exactly what to say. I felt really proud of her and was in awe of her.

I also felt some other things, i'm not too happy to share. I felt shit about myself. I felt why the fuck i've this disease? I felt is my health deteriorating so badly, that people who meet me after two years only manage to mumble again and again that i've lost weight and cannot find any other words to describe me. Why can't someone come and propose to me also? Is something actually wrong with me and i don't know of it yet. Why am i so lonely and maybe approval and attention seeking? Look after all those great things i say and do, i also feel like this: a piece of shit!!!

I can't seem to see any future for me. I dont like my disease. I am unable to appreciate it right now. (crying) I've just had one relationship and it ended so bitterly and i had to deal with so many of my insecurities when it ended adn so much pain. I've been selected by two top multinational company in India, for implementing ERM in their companies around the world. It seemed like the perfect job for me as I could travel the world. They felt that i was brilliant and were ready to offer me double the pay and were so eager to take me on board. And when they know of my disease, they just drop me like a hot potatoe.

I just dont know what to do. Nobody knows anything to do with me here. My parents have totally lost and dont know how to react. My sister is in her own world and hardly talks to me. My grandmom is in so much pain to see me with the dialysis. My uncles who have the same blood group as i have, have never even broached the topic of transplant with me. They all pretend I am alright and everything is fine. I don't have a single person to talk my heart out here. (crying)

Yesterday at work, two guys from the post-prodn department were asking me if my left arm was 'burnt'. I saw the horrified expression on their faces and just managed to give my brightest smile saying "oh just dialysis" and one of those two handsome guys mutterred "yikes!".

I planned that i wanted to go to States a few days back only to realise that i can afford the plane tickets but i cannot afford the cost of dialysis abroad. Anyways i dont know anyone anywhere so even if i decide to stay on my own by doing meneal jobs, I cannot live long becoz i'll die if i dont take dialysis.

I dont have a boyfriend. I dont have money. I cant switch jobs. I dont have kidneys. I cant travel. My one arm looks like it is burnt. I dont like this lack in my life.

(crying) I dont like my life. I dont want to live like this. I just dont want to wake up like this tommorrow morning. Maybe i dont want to wake up at all!!!

What an incorrect title ive given to this blog. I'm far from appreciating myself right now. I know i can write sweet lovely words anytime but right now, i want to just be honest with my own feelings. Rigth now, i am drowning...

desires

2006-06-09T22:54:00.000-07:00

Listening listening to myself. Is all what i am doing now-a-days.
Observing my reactions and musing on why i do what i do.
Missing the physical indulgence..call it sex, lust or love. That area in my life is strangely so empty. I wonder why.
At the same time, i am totally enjoying my single woman status.
I do feel if i am involved i will be very passionately into that man.
Probably not thinking of anything other than him.
So a part of me does like this single woman aspect becoz it helps me to focus on myself.
But there are evenings, when i come home and i want 'my man' around.
I want to run into his arms and tell him all the stories of my day. I want to feel his shirts and smell his scent on it. When i am horny, i want his cock to pleasure me. I want to fill his heart with all the love i have.
How do i bridge this gap between my imaginations and reality?
My imaginations feel so real to me because of the intensity of my feelings.
Yet when i open my eyes, i dont see him around.
What is happenning or not happening in my life.
Who is this person i am seeking so desperately?
There are many things / people i used to crave for earlier, but i dont any more.
I am not desperate or needy for them. So is it that i am in transition mode and will soon outgrow this feeling too?
The question is not only 'of being loved'...it is also of 'sharing the love' i have in me.
I have a huge capacity to love and give.
But it appears that there are (for reasons i cannot comprehend) no takers!
Yet those lovely images keep flashing before my eyes.
This is much more than romance. There is great mystrey and depth in my feelings.
And i am going to wait with bated breath and watch as they uncover and flower.

soulful laughter

2006-05-30T23:43:00.000-07:00

Some of my lovely moments today which i greatly appreciate:

I reached work really early today and it felt so good to travel with no traffic, breathing fresh air and being totally relaxed. I left from home at 8 am.
I am training my team-member B and he is being very cooperative, so we are both working together to complete our project, despite the fact that our boss is highly pissed off with the management for some reason so he is very moody and hence less available for us.
My team-member B and I had a good hearty laugh even when we were neck-deep in work. Throughout the day i was laughing and laughing for some or the other reason and that felt really good!
More laughter as i went to the programing department to work on their risks.
Lots of work accomplished.
Roaring with laughter in the aikido class with sensei.

Sensei: Did you show the aikido CD to the docs. Have they allowed you to practise aikido?

Anu: Yes of course.

Sensei: Really?

Anu: Well, the doctors just let me do what i want.

Sensei: Aaah, I see!

Anu: Yes, i am glad you see now sensei *scratches my head*

Sensei: So tell me my dear, has the doc let you practise aikido because he really thought it is O.K. or is it because you are so stubborn?

Anu: Well, sensei no comments. *controlling my laughter*

Sensei: Aaah, I see. *controlling his laughter*

Anu: Well he has no choice sensei.

Sensei: I am sure ; actually neither do I. *pretending to be serious*

Anu: *bursts out laughing*

Sensei: BTW, Anu? did you show this CD to your kidney doctor or your toe doctor?

Anu: I cannot believe you're asking me this question sensei. *still laughing*

Sensei: tell me, which doc did you show this CD to? *laughing*

Anu: Am i so bad sensei? Of course to the Kidney doctor. *roaring in laughter*

Sensei: You are really very bad Anu. You would do anything to be in class and learn aikido. *more and more laughter*

I cannot stop laughing thinking of this!! But i am so glad that I am not going to be sent away from class ever again becoz of health reasons :-)
Finally I came back home at 10 pm welcomed by light drizzles...oooooo it felt so lovely.
A group of people have interviewed me on my life. And they are publishing it in their e-magazine. The interview was through a series of questions in the e-mail and it was fun and a great learning experience. I am waiting in anticipation for the release of the June issue.
I also appreciate the cool breeze which kissed my cheeks and the dust which did not enter my eye-ball.
I've been in tears since the last two days as writing for the interview brought back lots of painful events in my life (all of which happened in the last 3-4 years). Today i laughed so much that i drowned all my pains in it. Now, this is what i call as soulful laughter...when my body, mind, spirit and soul all laugh..healing me and blessing me. Me blessing myself!

little joys of my life

2006-05-27T18:58:00.000-07:00

Hell or high water, i want to continue this exercise. Of appreciating myself, till i becomes second nature :-)

My sensei smsed me yesterday "U never miss aikido class. Everything ok? - sensei".

I was thrilled to recieve his message. I called him up immediately and he said we have a dojo meeting and requested me to come to class.

I have not been going to class for the last two weeks because i stepped on my little toe and i have fractured it. It is just a mild fracture. But i cannot practice for three weeks. And on Jun 3rd sensei is going to States with his family and will be back only on Aug 3. I was feeling awful that i cannot practise so i just stopped going to the class. Sensei knew about my toe as it happened when i was doing a summersalt.
I thought maybe the teachers will ask me to leave since i've fractured my toe. They were nervous of taking me in class earlier as the doctors have diagnosed me with End Stage Renal Disease (ESRD). I thought that i am going to be in tears if they tell me that, so let me just not go to class while my toe is injured. Though i desperately wanted to watch if not practise. At least in spirit i will be doing the art i am so passionate about.

Now today i went to class and sensei seems to be really keen on having me there. He is not going to send me away because i have been diagnosed with ESRD. I am feeling so good about this. He has specifically told me i may want to watch even if i cannot practise, as i can learn by watching. I felt his warmth and affection for me. I apprecitate it. And i am going to miss him when he will be gone on a vacation. I told him that!

And i've also told him, even when he won't be here, once my toe is perfectly alright, i am going to go to practise aikido in the dojo. Even if there are no students, i'll go there, change into the practise dress, do warm up and a few rolls and some light techniques which can be done alone by me.

Frankly, today everyone was so awesome. I am getting a complex LOL. I feel the two week's practise i missed, seems like two decades to me. I am sending lots of healing kisses to my little toe on my right leg so that it heals fast.

And guess what? As i continue to make my moments as joyful as they are, right now, one of these days, i might just surprise my doctors with a clean report and a pair of happy perfectly working kidneys :- )

promotion

2006-05-11T22:25:00.000-07:00

Today when i left for dialysis, i got calls from work saying that the HR head has sent a mail with the names of the persons promoted this year and guess what? Your very own goregeous Anu is one of them *clap clap clap* Everyone is really excited for me. And i am pretty pleased.

Exactly four years ago, i joined this company and i used to be verbally abused by a guy called Ass (yes! the first three letters of his real name are actually that). He would not give me information to work and would confuse me..for example: tell me, the CFO needed the funds flow and later the CFO would come and ask me for the cash flow. The abuses and humiliation was so intense that he used to yell and scream at me and throw papers on my face. I used to cry every day at work. My ex-bf used to be the only one with whom i could share these tortures.

Meanwhile, at home, my parents were forcing me to get married to an unknown good handsome wealthy healthy NRI in london. It was an arranged marraige and i was certainly against it. So they cared a damn and would be more than pleased if i lost my job as then i would be totally in their control. So there was hell at work and at home for me. All of this stress and tension, was so unbearable that i stopped eating food and drinking water as i had so much work to do. I used to sit whole night at work to complete my reports and no matter how best i did it, Ass always told me that i was horrible and he needed it yesterday. I was terribly demotivated. He also would tell the CFO that i am doing a bad job and i dont know my stuff. And i was sitting late becoz i was so inefficient. So for three years, i've got a rating of 'meets expectations'..can you believe this shit???

And this is one of the reasons for the kidney failure. I was not born with a kideny failure. My kidney failure happened after 18 months of mental torture and humiliation. My kidneys failed in Dec'03. And i was put on dialysis. In Dec' 04 i suddenly realised, Ass has started again screaming and yelling at me and i'd begun to skip my dialysis too. I'd already complained many times to the CFO but he was a diplomat and a fence-sitter who did not want to mess his hands. But this time i LOST it. I went to the HR head and told him, i'm putting my papers but before i leave, i'm going to write to the home office in Los Angeles and tell them about this harrassment and also meet the CEO. This is not done and i'm not putting up with this nonsense.

It was at this juncture, when i actually decided to stand up for myself, even if it cost my entire career. And this worked. The CFO got promoted that year to the COO and a new CFO joined the company. I was made directly reporting to the new CFO and i was asked to come up with a process-reengineering design for the company. And we then implemented ERM in the company. So you see? I feel like i've actually gone back and reversed my past. The new CFO and the immediate boss with whom i work are lovely people. And that is what i want. To work in peaceful, harmonious surroundings where i can unleash my creativity. So you see, how well i deserved this promotion. But more than the promotion, the fact that i have stood up for myself in the last 3-4 years and i am becoming more of the person i am is my real earning. These are my assests - my character, my trust and faith in myself, and the fact that i like to keep learning.

Now, as far as marraige is concerned, no indian guy marries a girl with a kidney problem. Now how lovely is that!!! That makes me so happy and thrilled. So no more arranged marraiges for me. Who knows, may be no marraige for me at all! There was a time when i felt marraige is the ultimate purpose of life. That's not my criteria any more. Infact i have no criteria. I don't know what i want. I have no goals. I have no aims. Ahh, but i do have dreams...becoz in my dreams....i create a world of my own :-)

maids and strategy at work

2006-05-10T00:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday when i resumed work after four days sick leave, i didn't know that i'd some surprises in store for me. Firstly the maids who clean the ladies restroom seemed really concerned about me. This particular maid was really worried about my health. She figured out that i was unwell from my collegues. She told me that she really really wished me well for she really liked me so much. That was so sweet of her, don't you think? I know she feels a connection with me. There is something about me she really likes and admires, i can feel it when she looks at me as i wash my face and apply a little lipstick or an eye-pencil. She little looks and glances she gives me says it all. She has also offerred to get some 'neem leaves' for me tommorrow so that i can put them in the water before i take bath. I gladly accepted her offer. For i know she so wants to do something for me and i could not break her heart. There are these little special people at work, like this maid, a few peons, the little girl at the photocopy machine, the receptionist etc. who are really really nice to me and i take special care to treat them really well. I acknowledge their affection for me and reciprocate it back. All of this makes my life so special and far more simpler and stressfree as i have friends everywhere.
I am implementing an ERM (enterprise wide risk management) project for my company. I spent a lot of time studying and researching various models last year and finally we initiated this project. Through this exercise we will identify the risks in various functions, processes and sub-processes and then hold meetings with the department heads as to whether we want to absorb it, retain it, transfer it or mitigate it. Now the project has become a success and i did get an outstanding rating for this. But now i want to take it forward. This exercise will save millions for my company and also help us to comply with Clause 49 of SEBI and the SOX and PCAOB regulations. But for that purpose, i need the support of the top management becoz mitigating the risks requires their proactive involments. I need a champion at the top who will support me. My CFO (just one year young in this company) has responsibility but little authority. So he is kind of uncertain and is concerned about the sensitivity of this issue as tackling process risks also means a huge culture change in the company, which could also mean discussions, confrontations and lots of resistance to chnage by the department heads.
So to cut the long story short, yesterday i went to meet the HR (Human Resources) head. I just walked into his cabin and told him i want to talk to him. First we chatted generally about the his growth in this company, his visions and then about the 'politics' in the company and the culture and how we can continue to survive despite and inspite of that. I must say, i'm really proud of how i took the discussion forward. I got his views about the power-houses in the company and then i told him the status of my project and then we decided on a strategy to take it forward. The HR head suggested i must speak to my CFO to make a presentation to the COO and the CEO and rope them in. Without their active participation, it will be really difficult to get the department heads to work on their processes. Then he told me that he will alsospeak to the COO (who is his immediate boss) and tell him the benefits of this for the company.
So in short, i am all set to make a presentation to the CEO of my company and the COO. I want their buy-ins for this project so that i can implement it. I also then want to initiate this in our home office in States and 53 countries across the globe.
This is a new development at work and i am really excited about this. Now let us wait and watch how this takes off :-)

the men "I" love

2006-05-06T10:28:00.000-07:00

Since i've been thinking so much these days. The sickness gave me additional time to just sit and dwell on my past and i did do a lot of thinking on the relationships (actually just one significant one) i've had. What went right and what went wrong. Since my motto these days (and i hope that this remains my motto for life) is "know yourself". I've uncovered a LOT about the kind of men i generally fall for. So this post is not about "the men" i love but about the men "I" love.

What attracts me most to a man is NOT his looks, his youth, his age, his charisma, his personality, his humor, his fitness level, his wealth etc etc. Well, while it will be good for him to have loads of all of these. (Chuckles) There is something else which really and totally addicts me rather intoxicates me to him(them).

These men are strongly and fiercely independent. Having a sense of their own self. An essence of themselves. A deep understanding of themselves. A preference to stand up for themselves (note this now: not necessarily for me). Men who like and totally adore themselves. (not narsccists; in a nice way in love with their own being...who they are). Men who are not ashamed to express their vulnerable side to me. Who are basically really really comfortable with themselves. Generally such men are non-conformists. They don't follow the beaten path. They want their own space. And they may prefer to live alone as they are NOT afraid of themselves and they dont feel the need to cling on to someone. They basically dont need anyone, though it may be nice to have someone to share their life and experiences with. But again, that is simply their own choice. Noone forces them to do anything. They are not tied or bound into any conditional relationship. They live life on their own terms.

Now such men have really powerful energy. I have had a very intense relationship with such a man in the recent past. And since i did not know myself well or did not understand myself and my preferences, i could not withstand the power of such a fiercely independent healthy self-loving person. Now, i'm not discounting myself. I'm intelligently analysing the situation. Because i am begining to know exactly what i want. We all take time to learn, don't we? The very things i loved him for: his independence, his love for life, his vitality, his romance, the light which shone from his face....became difficult to handle, as i did not have the same sense of myself.

First, i did not understand what went wrong or why we did not click and become like those happy couples. I went through the whole course: of crying, being in pain, frustration, angry, blame-putting, self-pity, then trying to gain sympathy, begging for forgiveness and finally i sat down to understand myself and letting go. It took a while to go through this process and reach this stage. But i think i've, during the last few months been really asking for some answers from myself. And i did receive some.

My Cough relates to chest. And chest to emotional pain and congestion. And this illness has proved to be one of the most fruitful (if i may say so). For this time, i've really managed to strip naked (myself to me).

I recognise that my attraction to these men is the "energy of love and trust" which they have for SELF. This is the same love and trust every tree has for itself, every squirrel and every speck of dust and drop of rain has. It is the universal energy of power. If there is any synonym to the word 'POWER' it must be 'trust and love for self'. I am attracted to these men becoz this very energy resides in me too. It is pushing against the walls i've built around it. It wants to unleash itself. It wants to surround my own life with it. It is not about 'him' or 'them' anymore, it is all about 'ME'. It has always been about me. Afterall, what shines back on my face, is my own relfection of what i create inwardly.

So, this post is bascially about me. How i am changing. How i am becoming more of the person i really am. How i am recognising that what attracts me and how to sustain that attraction, love and affection without letting it get bitter or trying to control it. And what are my answers?

Be myself. Trust myself. Look into me for answers. Adore myself. Care for myself. Love myself.

I am begining to unleash my own power in my thoughts, beliefs, words, actions, movements..in my life. I am understanding that, the energy i am attracted to, in these men, is the most powerful energy of 'love & trust'...'love and trust for self'. It is only when we truely trust and understand ourselves can be even begin to comprehend other things around us. Our only responsibility is to be ourselves. We owe nothing to anyone else.

And as i truely understand and trust myself, i will automatically love myself unconditionally, and this energy will be reflected outwards. And i will attract those kind of men in my life, and i will be in harmony with my atmosphere.Well, actually i am pretty much on my way to shine in my own energy. And i will share mySelf with the men i can connect with in trust, peace, joy, fun and playfulness.

And all this i am accomplishing, effortlessly. For when i am focussed in me, the whole world does actually revolves around ME!!!

highest spiritual practice

2006-05-06T09:17:00.000-07:00

I am begining to really pay attention to myself. Listen to myself and understand myself. And i am uncovering a LOT of information about myself. It does seem a lot of work to get to know yourself...but it is getting really interesting. The more i know about myself, my own likes and dislikes, what i stand for and what i don't, i am begining to feel more comfortable about myself and that makes me feel more confident. I feel this is the highest spiritual practice i could ever practise. And undoubtedly, the most powerful one.

cleansing

2006-05-03T21:12:00.000-07:00

Since last friday i am a little unwell. It all started with a little lump in my throat which ended up in a cough. Now i have a running nose and a fever to top it all up. I havent gone to work since Tues (Mon being a holiday here). My tempreature still fluctuates between 99.5 - 100 degrees. And my cold and cough as of now seem to be just as it was three days ago.
So while there is no visible improvement in my physcial reality, i suspect that i am getting a lot done in other dimensions. What i mean is, i've been working on myself for a long time now. By that i mean, observing myself, noticing myself, appreciating myself, accepting my creations and acknowledging all that i have. And most importantly, exercising my freedom in making my day-to-day choices. This work i know will sooner or later transform into manifestations in my phyiscal reality. What kind of manifestations ? I dont know for sure, but i know this: they will be happy, joyous, fulfilling, passionate and sensational and really healthy for me.
So, i know there is much more to this fever than just a high tempreature. My body is trying to communicate something to me. It is sending me a signal and i know the moment i understand what it is trying to say, the fever will die as the communication would have been received by me. I am probably going through a transition, a transformation...What is at the end of this tunnel...is still a surprise for me. But i know this for sure, i appreciate the journeys thruogh the tunnels...for i love to see the rays of light, when i reach the end of it!!!
Today afternoon for the very first time in my dream, i exercised my own choices. I took a look and did exactly what i want in my dream. I did not give in to the automatic response where i agree or go along the flow with another. I choose!!! And the results: deep trust in myself and belief in my own abilities. Immense respect for self and other individuals. I also noticed that in this dream, for the very first time, i operated with a very high self-esteem and self-worth. I was just myself. This is a huge change for me to have directed my own choices in dream state. I know for sure now, that my life has changed forever!!!
I am learning to listen to myself and my body. I am enjoyin the feelin of lying in bed with a fever, crumpled bedsheets, medicine bottles around me, hot water flask, my reading materials etc. There are certainly some wonderful pay-offs of being unwell LOL
I called my Boss and told him that i wont be reporting for work tommorrow too. As i think my body needs rest and it is healing and cleansing. I respect my body and i want to give it time to recover. My parents tried to force me to go to work. They tried to make me feel guilty by saying that 'i will feel better if i go out and work, and i can always come back if i am not well". I just put my foot down by saying that, "my health is more important than anything else period." I am not going anywhere till my body sends me a signal.

me

2006-04-29T16:41:00.000-07:00

I had a wonderful session of aikido today. I love doing all the rolling techniques and i love it when the guys throw me down :-) Ahhh, it feels so good. And i so love practising with sensei. He is so sweet. I have a huge grin on my face whenever i am praticing with him. I am sure he knows that i have a huge crush on him. I love that i can fall for anyone..and i have no limitations of looks, age etc.. It is merely the connection and depth that matters to me. Oh, i am not romantically in love with him. I just love him for his energy and that i am so comfortable with him. I want to surround myself with all such people whom i love and who love and adore me too immensely :-)
I may be going to Switzerland for three days in the end of May'06. Now isnt that lovely? My company is taking the entire department. The whole company enjoys one foreign trip for 3-5 days a year which is just fun and lots of sight-seeing. But i am looking forward to meeting my sensei's martial arts teacher if i am near where he lives. And i look forward to seeing the beauty of the ALps and the flowers in Switzerland. I appreciate that i am creating such wonderful opportunities for myself to travel across the globe.
I am begining to like myself more and more. I am listening to myself. Observing myself. And making deliberate choices in the moment. It is these choices which will help me create the life i want. I believe that all that i need is in me, at any moment. I dont need to go anywhere and do anything in particular. When i am me, the whole world revolves around me :-)

love

2006-04-22T11:31:00.000-07:00

I got late for the doctor's appointment becoz my rick driver took the wrong route yet miraculously, time slowed down for me, roads cleared for me and i reached on time.
I further got late once again to go to my aikido class (10 mts late). The moment i entered, Sensei looked at me and nodded and the guys were smiling big-time. I think i looked really hassled and i asked loudly, "can i go and change my dress?" and the silence in the class was broken and everyone was staring at me amused and sensei said "yea" and when i came out he asked me to join immediately. At the end of the class, he said "the class starts tommorrow at 8:30 am so please be present on time." I chuckled. I appreciate that sensei wants us to be on time for the class. Infact i love that he mentioned it. Many other students get late, but he does not mention it ever. I am going reach my aikido class tommorrow at 8:00 am so that i can do some rolling. I love the feeling of going to the class. I look forward to it.
My grandmom told me how happy she is to see me. My mere presence brightens her face. She does not want anything else in the world. Since grandpa expired, she said she lives only to see my face. I go every saturday after aikido class to meet her. She is totally nuts about me. I love my grandmom too. I am so glad that she loves me sooooooo much.

aikido once again

2006-04-20T23:48:00.000-07:00

I went to the dojo on saturday with my dress. If they say i cannot join i will come back home, i thought. I went in the dojo and without even stopping to bow, i ran upto sensei and asked him
Anu: what did the indian teacher say?
Sensei B: (puzzled) whatever he told you
Anu: he told me to come here on saturday
Sensei B: (now smiling) okay so you've come now
Anu: so should i sit in the corner and watch, and wait for the teacher to come so that he can talk to me and convey his final decison.
Sensei B: (looking at my bag) have you brought your dress?
Anu: yes; i thought if you guys say no, then i will just go home
Sensei B: you may want to change and join the class?
Anu: oh really?
Sensei B: After you spoke to the indian teacher, he called me up and told me "i cannot break her heart, so i'll try to consult the lawyer as to whether we can accomodate her. Till then she may train."
Anu: wowww.. thank you sensei
Sensei B: wait, dont get too excited. I'm giving you the aikido CD, i want you to show this to your doctor and i want him to give you an approval.
Anu: no problem, i'll show the CD to my doctor :-)
I so appreciate that i am practising martial arts. I love this and i come alive when i am doing this stuff.
I am going to accept and acknowledge anything which happens from hereon. I am not going to discount myself if this whole thing does not work out in the end for me. I am going to continue to appreciate that i did infact have a good time.
My point of power is in the now. In the moment i am happy. That is what matters to me. In this one moment i am going to listen to myself and let my fears for tommorrow take a walk!!

thrill

2006-04-08T21:56:00.000-07:00

I appreciate the universe for handing me over to its most precious students. I am talking about my aikido class. I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEE the experience. Today was first class. My sensei is BR and he is a wonderful kind teacher. I love his energy. I met another american S (? and i can relate to him also very well as he smiles a LOT and that draws me to him. I love the feel and experience when i am in the class. It is like my whole body, mind, soul and spirit are all smiling, jumping in joy all the time. I appreciate that i have found my lost loves and they have graced me with their presence in my life, once again.
I cannot find my old karate clothes and my belts. I think it was given away (by mistake) along with some old clothes. I am terribly sad about this and everytime i think of it, my heart sinks. I love my old torn dirty karate outfit. But probably, the universe has grander plans for me. But probably, the universe is making a new one for me as i dont fit into the old beliefs (old dress) any more!!! So i appreciate my new thought pattern which says that i am ready for a new dress (new experiences and thinking) which fits me better. And what fun, it is going to be brand new too!!!
I found a shorter way to reach the martial arts class so i dont have to pay too much for the rickshaw. i shall go half way by rick to the railway station and the balance distance by train. So i save 1/4 th of my expenses.Now when i reach any station, i have to cross huge crowded bridges where lecherous men/boys try to sneak a touch or pull wrists and hands. I dont like this and i am a little scared becoz of my arm, i dont want anyone injuring my arm. So when i walk, i keep telling myself that i am going to be fine and noone is going to harm me. I appreciate that in the midst of all this chaos, i am working on focussing on my little goal to reach my marital arts class and the lovely experiences i am going to have there. These crowded bridges and these lecherous men seem petty and little to pay attention to.
I thank Kim for directing me towards learning aikido. I've been searching for a martial arts class for years now. I have a strange passion of martial arts. I cannot resist it. I am in love with it. I used to want to go to the shaolin temple and train there..i still want to go there :) I get charged seeing the bruce lee movies. I am certain that i have some wonderful and interesting experiences relating to martial arts in my previous lives. Noone learns it in my family and noone is interested in it. And i just saw a few movies in childhood and since them have been drawn to this art. What are things you really want to do in life? I am doing right now, one of the things i really really want to do...martial arts...i generate joy, bliss, peace, happiness and love in myself while i am with this. I appreciate myself for sticking on and finding what i really love :)

martial arts

2006-04-06T23:39:00.000-07:00

I found a martial arts class. And guess what? the sensei is an american. And he seems to be such a lovely person...centered and calm. What a relief. I am so excited. I am tired of indian teachers who are so beureaucretic. Who ask me 1001 questions about my kidneys. Who want letters of authority from my parents so that i can join a class. Just becoz my kidneys are not perfectly well that does not mean i should need permission from my parents for everything. I told them to Fuck off.
Anyways, i am very excited meeting this teacher. And this saturday is going to be my first class in martial arts after many years. I had learnt karate and stick-fighting when i was very young. This is going to be an exploration in aikido. I have to find something to protect my left arm as there is a surgery in there - my fistula and the veins (on which the needles are pricked) and i am going to find a protective gear and be off for my class.
I appreciate the waiting time and i appreciate that i probably have got the best teacher around to train me. Oh, how lovely i am feeling :-)
I was flooded with painful memories last weekend pertaining to my ex-relationship. I have recovered now and i am feeling so good once again. The bounce back time has been pretty quick this time and i am very impressed with myself. I spent my entire sunday working on myself and focussing my attention on 'me' and asking myself 'what am i feeling'. 'what in me is causing me to feel this'. And i have been bringing back my attention to self every time i focus outside of myself -- be it my exbf or my boss or my job or anything. I make it a point to not dwell on it for more than 2-3 minutes. I bring my focus back to myself. I appreciate the the time and effort i am spending on refining myself and unleashing my inner power and peace. I appreciate that this 'feeling good' factor matters to me so much now that i cannot spend a moment in pain. I am genuinely progressing in making love with myself.
My HR head has negotiated with the insurance company to offer me a cashless facility. At the hospital my doctor immediately gave me a certificate which the insurance company required. Everything is so easy when i am focussed in myself. The universe takes care of everything. I appreciate and allow all the gifts of the universe to flow into me.

laugh

2006-04-03T23:22:00.000-07:00

I woke up really energised after all the listening i did yesterday. During my sleep i felt like white light was passing through my body and i remember feeling a tingling sensation at night. And guess what? despite the fact that i've been under so much stress the weekend, my bloodpressure was perfectly normal 120/80. This has something to do with the listening to myself which i did yesterday.
My rick guy was here in the morning. Wow, i was so glad. I dont have to give any directions to him, he knows the way and i love his rash driving ;-) he speeds through the traffic like a jet air plane.
I watch a laughter programme 'Just for Gags' while in dialysis. It has little jokes cracked on the people with a hidden camera. Today i was laughing so loud, all the nurses & technicians were gathered around me and soon they were all in splits too. And one guy who is really fond of me, asked me mischiviously 'anu, what are you laughing at?'. I began to explain the joke to him, still bursting out laughing. While he kept looking into my eyes and finally interrupted me and said, 'we'r not laughing becoz of the programme anu, we are laughing seeing you laugh. you keep laughing, that's all we want. we love that our dialysis ward is filled with your innocent fun and laughter." I am so touched :-)

wounds & scratches

2006-04-02T20:08:00.000-07:00

Spent the whole day working on myself. What do i mean, when i keep saying 'i'm working on myself'. I am in pain. I cry. I am missing someone. I long to be held right now. I want to feel love. I want to love. I want to be loved.--- I am dealing with all these feelings. Is what i mean by working on myself. There are no 2-minute solutions to these challenges of finding self. There are no short-cuts here. So i have been yelling and screaming in silence, crying, begging my inner self to come out and guide me. Wanting help from the universe and guarding myself from 'any straying thoughts' for the whole day.

I am so hyper sensitive right now, the mere look of a purse i was gifted by my ex could bring me to tears. But, i did manage to clean the last shelf of my closet which has many items he gifted me and i am still alive. Though i dont know how dead i am pyschically.

I appreciate my feelings --- even the sad, lonely, desperate ones. I appreciate my sensitivity to love. I appreciate my cravings, they have the power to take over my life (which i know is far less desirable) nevertheless i still appreciate it. I appreciate that i am still holding on to me. I am still reading and listening to myself. Trying to uncover what my deepest emotions are communicating to me. I appreciate my will-power and my determination to seek joy even in the midst of sadness.

I am nervous of the next moment. I am scared of the pain and the sufferring i am going through. I am scared of the hurt. I am scared of the feeling of rejection and abandonment. I am still scared of being mis-understood by closest friends. I am scared so much that i am guarding myself of even the slightest negative thought as i am scared of the consequences. I appreciate my nervousness and the tension. They are here to communicate something to me. I am listening to them too intently.

Today my appreciations of life are so different from the other days. I appreciate the sacredness of this day. When i accept and appreciate every feeling in me, my vibration improves just a bit. It is these bits which matter, which slowly turn the wheel. Becoz in accepting myself as i am, i am being totally present in this moment. I am being totally aware of myself. It is in these moments that changes happen, magically and mystical. They are already happenning in me, right now, right here as i type these words. Their positive manifestations will appear in my life pretty soon.

While that happens, i appreciate the wounds and the scartches, they have a meaning..which i know i will unfold soon..

valley

2006-04-01T20:08:00.000-08:00

I was facing serious problems in getting my insurance claim reimbursement from my company. I had to do so much follow up within the company after the cheque reaches the Admininstration guy. Yesterday i decided i want to do this for myself. I've begun my quest to love myself. And i am going to stand up for myself. So i went to made a list of points for discussion and went to my HR head and told him my issues. I also gave him a probable solution to put me on a 'cashless facility'. I requested him to negotiate with the insurance company to put me on 'cashless facility' on the grounds that dialysis is equal to hospitalisation as per the Income Tax Act and other Health Acts. He gave me a favourable response to my issues and asked me to mail the details to him promising to look into it. I love that i can negotiate and carry on a discussion pretty well and i am really good at convincing people of my point of view.
I went for this lovely english movie (made in india) called 'Being Cyrus'. It is about a disturbed parsi family and i absolutely loved the movie and the central character 'Cyrus'. In fact i can relate to his personality and the mental agony he goes through at various points of life and how he finally manages a break through.
I went to the mall, where i saw many lovebirds and couples. I have been feeling restless and miserable since then. My loneliness is killing me. I havent dated a guy my entire life except my ex-bf and that was only for a couple of days when i met him. Sometimes i wonder if i am myself mentally disturbed. How could i be like this? Living like a vegetable. Then i remind myself, that i cannot call out for a man in my life out of 'lack', it has to come out of 'joy'. The joy of merely being alive. There is nothing more need for having a thrill in my life. My joy should first come from me. Other things and persons will follow soon..

myself

2006-03-31T10:27:00.000-08:00

I have been working the whole day in accepting myself as i am in the moment and being graceful for what i have. In the middle of the early morning traffic, i refused to get stressed and thereby cause harm to my body, mind, soul and spirit. During the day, at numerous moments, when i could so easily slip into the past memories and feel depressed, i refused to give into that feeling.
As i love myself, every cell in my body and every strand of my hair, my own power will unfold and my own potential will unleash.
I care for myself like nobody did !
I love myself more than anybody ever loved in this world.
I will take care of myself forever.
I love myself unconditionally.

unconditional love

2006-03-31T06:20:00.000-08:00

I've been sad and distressed yesterday night. I have been feeling a lot of pain recently. But i love that i am so aware of all my feelings. I love that i am becoming more and more accepting of myself and therefore letting myself express even my anger, my slippages and my frustrations to myself.
I am glad i have the support and guidance of one person in all of this. This one person has been constantly directing me to love myself unconditionally. And knowing my passion, will and determination to get things done, one of these days, i might just cross over big time. I am not alone.
I have been praying yesterday whole night for the power in me to dawn on me. I do not want to spend a single painful moment. I want to unleash my own power.

train travel

2006-03-29T10:05:00.000-08:00

My lunch had my favourite curry. I love eating what i love.
My lunch always ends with a tall glass of buttermilk. This is my favourite drink. I love coconut water too but i cannot have it much now-a-days as it has too much pottassium. Other than this, i love water.
I took the shuttle from my work-place to the station like all other colleagues. Normally i take a rickshaw. But the total rick expenses for a day end up somewhere around $6 per day. And i cannot afford this anymore. So i've decided to travel by public transport - train. I love that i can with ease choose a far lesser luxorious mode of travel in the midst of the crowd, without feel sad or depressed or bad.
I took 2 crowded trains. And i had to cross huge crowded bridges. Some ladies in the 1st class compartment were upset with me saying i was standing in a position which was making them uncomfortable and so i should stand on the foot-board of the train. I told him i have no intentions to argue with them, i've had a surgery in my hand and i cannot hang outside the train. I love that i did not do anything foolish like that. I have a fistuala and i need to take care of that. My dialysis cannot happen if anything goes wrong with it. Anyways, i love that all of this did not agitate me too much or for too long.
I did not take the rick from the station to home but walked home. A walk of 20 minutes did me a lot of good. I love that i'm taking care of my body.
Everyone was staring at me when i was walking on the road. I guess i must be really pretty. And i love that i am so pretty looking.
Even at the end of the day, after all this train travel and night walk, i love that i'm still not tired. Yeaaaahhh!

what if...

2006-03-28T22:15:00.000-08:00

My boss has recommended me for a promotion. I love that my work is being appreciated in my company.
Last three years as i was working with a superior who did not like me and he used to verbally abuse me. I did not receive an increment for three years. My present boss told me today that i am brilliant and that he has talked to the CFO and the HR head about the unfairness to me during the last three years and how i was painted black for no fault of mine. He has requested for a revision in my salary structure. I love that the universe is finding ways to actually reverse my past and change it! I had only dreams of getting an 'outstanding' rating at work. The universe has such grand plans for me...i will never doubt its support again.
The aura healer today tried to blame me for the kidney problem by saying that i did not obey my parents and this was their curse. I told him "FO" and i am not giving in to any such guilt. I told him to stop making me unhappy and blaming me. He then apologised profusely stating that i misunderstood him and stuff. Anyways i was happy that i stood up for myself.
I missed someone very terribly. I was just about to wallow in my depression when i decided to work my way out of it. And that if i love someone truely then the universe will take care of him and sooner or later either i will grow out of the love or that person will figure in my world. This is the new what if principle i am adopting. The next time i am sad or depressed instead of telling myself "Oh, if only.." or "But.." i am going to say "What if.."

What if my kidneys are healed?
What if i get a promotion and the respect i lost in my company due to the abusive ex boss?
What if i am able to heal my relationship sector totally such that i have only love and fond memories and no pain and resentment for anyone, especially my exbf?
What if someday i meet my ex and we both know, what a lovely person i have grown to be?
What if i am able to travel the world ?
What if i never have to work for anyone?
What if i can go to the Alps for doing a painting?
What if i am i can go to shaolin temple to learn kung-fu?
Oh! how lovely is my world with the 'what ifs.."

What if ....you send me some love after reading this ...and some kisses...and some hugs too :)))

all my free time is for me

2006-03-25T22:04:00.000-08:00

Learning to use every bit of free time i have for myself. I want to know me, understand me. Find out what ticks me and what puts me off. What i like and what i dont like. What i am really passionate about. And so much more.
I have started taking the train to when i have to go to the hospital.
Walk, walk, walk is what i did today for 1 hour and 30 minutes.
I got angry and upset with someone. Later i figured out what triggered me and i'm going to connect back with this person to discuss this.

early morning thanks

2006-03-22T08:08:00.000-08:00

I've had a nice filling healthy breakfast. I feel so content and filled.
Early morning and i can hear sparrows chirping and mynas singing. How lovely.
I am eager to go to work and hopefully meet at least one of the managers from our parent company in Los Angels and make a presentation to him about the work we are doing here.
I feel so gooooooooooood today. I am calm, peaceful and feeling really lovely.

let go of pettiness

2006-03-22T08:04:00.000-08:00

Yesterday i completed my work on process re-engineering and risk management in a major area in my company. My immediate superior was thrilled with the documents i produced. If we are lucky, we may get to present it to the Americans today. I am proud of myself that i can produce brilliant work and documents.
I ate only healthy food yesterday, throughout the day. I did not munch in between meals or eat junk. I love my body and take care of it by eating good food.
I was feeling restless and desperate. I was so desperate to call certain people up. But i decided this was a disease and an addiction and i rather centre my mind and focus in the now, than run helther-skelter looking for approval and attention outside of me. I love the changes happenning in me and the new choices i am making, not out of hatred or anger or resentment, but out of love and affection for myself.
I wanted binder-clips at work for my documents. The admin guy arranged them for me. I want to recognise and appreciate the success of small things in my life too.
I wanted to remove colour printouts for my flow-charts which i had made in visio. The CEO's secretary let me use his printer for a while. My job is important and i have the ability to interact with people and work my way to get it done.
I had to send a courier to someone and i did it yesterday. I am responsible and do not procrastinate.
When i approached a courier office, they sent me back saying i should get my own envelope. They were awfully rude to me. I was just about to take it personally, when i told myself - it is o.k. Today i got the envelope to put the package in and went to the same courier company. I met a different set of people and they were so nice to me. They gave me a huge discount. And were highly accomodating. I am learning from this to not take things to heart, not judge, let go of petty issues and continue to smile and walk on.

lovely sun-day

2006-03-19T22:53:00.000-08:00

Was woken up by the sun and dancing green leaves. Nature loves me.
Had an early lunch at 12pm. Finally i am eating early on a sunday.
Lovely afternoon nap looking at the trees and leaves from where i slept.
I felt i was in the swis alps as i read Heidi.
Dreamt about the guy whom i had a crush on when i was a teen. It was nice to reconnect with him.
Lovely bath with scented essence. I love the way my skin feels now..just like butter.
I found that we have been using essence sticks of the night flower which visits me with her fragrance every night. What a fantastic coincidence.
Yoga for my body.
Delightful dinner.
Amazing buttermilk made from butter. I love this white drink.
I brushed my teeth. Though i nibbled something after it.
Going to sleep deep smelling the night flower and reading the second chapter of Heidi.
My days are getting magical and my nights mystical.

Fuck off

2006-03-18T23:47:00.000-08:00

Had a lovely chat with my therapist about nature and life. He concluded that i was a hopeless romantic. I liked to hear that.
Had an amazing time with my grandmom and a little baby.
Made funny faces and expressions with the little baby - crazy thing i did today.
My aunt made a lovely dish only for me. I really enjoyed it.
The realty guy tried to push me around and pressurise me to freeze my decision on buyiny a house. Every time we meet, he tells me how much time i am taking and what a big fuss i make. I told when we visited a flat that i sensed so much anger and hatred in it. Apparently the lady who opened the door was so grumpy and she slamed the door on our face later. I certainly dont want to live in a place where the earlier occupants were so pissed off with life in general! So in today's meeting i was already getting irritated becoz this realty guy was trying to act oversmart with me. Just becoz i am a single girl looking out for a place, i guess he just wanted to dump something onto me and close the deal. Today when he tried his number again, i told him to FUCK OFF. Yeah!! (pats myself on my own back) i really did that. I am awfully proud of myself.
I have a location in mind. It may not be so close from my work. And it could be really expensive. Maybe i just get a tiny room to sleep there. But it will have trees, nice people, no buildings built on stinking drains, butterflies, flowers and a healing touch. I am going to dare to search for a place i would love to go back home to. I can feel it. I can see it. It is right here. I can afford it. And very soon i know, i will be living in it.
I can still smell the natural fragrance of the 7 month young little baby on my body...ohh how lovely that is!!

CRAZY THING I DID 1 - yelling

2006-03-17T22:41:00.000-08:00

Today five of us decided to go for lunch. We caught two rickshaws (three-wheelers in India). I sat with my one friend S and the other three sat in the other rick. Then we had a race and as we raced past their rick we screamed and yelled "Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh" and totally stunned all the people on the road and the rick guys too. The other group of crazy girls yelled at their rick guy to drive faster and we asked our rick guy to drive even more faster. Finally we won the race and at the end, both the rick guys were panting and wiping the sweat of their forehead and thanking their stars that this ordeal has finally ended. HA! what fun!!!

the ordinary princess

2006-03-17T22:32:00.000-08:00

My marital arts teacher is no more. I used to learn ESKRIMA (stick-fighting and kick-boxing) from him 5 yrs ago. I am shocked. I just realised how much i love him. Rather, i am just glad knowing that i love him so much, even though he is no more and i cannot speak to him as a human being ever again.
My doc is not very happy with my health progress. He says there may not be any renal recovery. The news has not sunk into me. I am not devastated by it. I dont know what is keeping me going, but i like my spirit whatever it is, i am glad i am not feeling the pain of this.
I purchased a notebook to write my poems in it.
I purchased two new books to read -
Heidi
The Ordinary Princess.
I am going to love these two new books. I love fairy tales. Maybe i will gift myself a book every month.
Tonight i am going to read 'the ordinary princess'.

Happy Holi

2006-03-15T18:49:00.000-08:00

Today we celebrate Holi in India which is a festival of lights and colors. It is a day of new begininings. And just for today i am going to not dwell in anything negative. I probably may not be able to stop the negative or sad or angry thoughts from coming into my mind. But i can certainly choose whether i want to wallow in it or not. So, here is wishing myself a happy holi.
I feel so good when i do my morning yoga. It feels like i am glad i have some physcial discipline and something i do for my body to keep it fit.
I celebrated a lovely holi with colours and water. The colour was turmeric and water was my shower. The more i naturally love myself, the more i am able to enjoy the sessions where i pamper myself..even if it is as insignificant as an activity called 'bath'.
I sent greetings of the season to all people i know. This is a day of new beginings and i want to start afresh.
I washed my clothes. I am working on getting on-line real time with my washing and cleaning activities.
I enjoyed my time watching cartoon network.
My grandmom loved the saree i purchased for her. She wears only cotton sarees. The one i purchased is polycotton. Yet she said she will wear it, just becoz i purchased it for her and she finds the saree so beautiful.
I totally enjoyed my afternoon nap.

crazy exercise

2006-03-15T08:01:00.000-08:00

I found one crazy experimentation to do. For one week from now i am going to just flirt without any expectations of response from the other individual. I am merely going to allow myself to express my feelings. By not focussing on the other individual, i am going to focus my attention on myself and basically not think of what the other individual is thinking of me but of what i am expressing to myself.
I did flirt with two handsome men yesterday, and i was least bothered what they thought of me. I enjoyed that i can grant myself the freedom to express what i want, when i want.
I taught a friend (verbally) how to masturbate and worked with her on clearing her inhibitions about it.
I had pani-puri yesterday during a function in celebration of Holi. Umm, it was wonderful to eat it after ages.
I presented the saree i purchased to my aunt. She seemed to really like it and was very happy. I am generous and loving.
I sang a birthday song for my cousin. I can sing from my heart.

half mad

2006-03-13T23:01:00.000-08:00

I am planning to do some fun things. Something really crazy just for the heck of it. I have already started thinking about it. I love that i am still alive and half mad.
I loved the feel of my new pair of jeans on my legs. Such a perfect fit it is. Its sky blue in color. I love sky blue. I looked great in it.
Now-a-days i am enjoying a nice warm bath with aromatic oil in it. At night i splash a little rose-water on my face. And during the day i smile from my heart. I am happy that i am not waiting for others to make me feel good, i am making myself feel good.
I like the way my feet look after taking the turmeric bath yesterday. They look brighter than before.

fun

2006-03-12T20:42:00.000-08:00

I went shopping and did not blow up my money. I spent hours window shopping and just brought what i really wanted. I like that i am not a spend-thrift.
I love my body. I healed and cleansed my body with turmeric and oil portions. I love to pamper myself. As i work on removing the scars on my body. I am also working on healing the scars in my mind.
I had one of the best baths of the season today.
I love fragrances. I am so eager to wear my new perfume.
I can be fun to be with. I enjoyed hanging out all alone all by myself for one whole weekend and i loved it.

traffic jams

2006-03-10T23:58:00.000-08:00

Too tired and worn out to write my list today. But i just want to do it. So long as my net is on and i am at home, i want to write the list.

I diligently woke up to breathe consciously.
I was kind to mom when the breakfast was burnt.
I love the feel of fresh rose water on my lovely face. I love the fragrance. I smell so good.
I love to cum early morning -- nothing feels so relieving than thinking of something so awfully horny & cumming.
I wore the prettiest and thinnest top today as i had to attend a farewell party at work. I looked so nice.
I love the dangling earings i wore today. They cost so less and look so good on me.
I was stuck in a terrible traffic jam on my way to work. I spent three hours on the road where normally i spend only one hour. I loved my mental behaviour during that time. I was pleasantly so much at peace and ease. The air smelt so good after yesterday's rain so there was no dust or pollution or sweat. I was so focussed on all of this that i had no time to lose my patience and fret and fume in the traffic.
I loved eating my lunch in the hill while still on the road. Felt like a picnic.
I spoke to a new girl at work. She liked me. I like to meet new people.
My friend and i had our regular 30 mt talk chatting about all and sundry. So good to keep in touch with old friends.
Had a lovely second lunch at the farewell. Ate everything. No restrictions. There is a time for everything. A time to eat and a time to diet and also a time to restrict. And i love all times.
Tommorrow i am going to go bike riding with a reality consultant who is going to show me some homes for sale. Not too sure about the homes, but i sure am so i am so excited about the bike-ride. Looking forward to it.
Laughed a lot with my friends at work. I am making it a compulsory need to laugh at least once a day, to begin with.
Went to check out a dance class to learn salsa. oh it is so lovely. I may join it.
Peacefully sitting here and typing my lovely day. What more could i ask from life?

rains

2006-03-09T23:10:00.000-08:00

Early morning breathing taking care to inhale enough oxygen for rejuvinating my body.
Enjoyed the rains as they cleansed the earth and my mind and worked on removing the toxins out of my body.
Lovely ride through the hill as i saw the wet musty grass, dew drops on the leaves, happy trees swaying in surprise at the gift from the heavens - the rains. What a beautiful sight!
I looked really good today. Just that the bright pink suited me really well.
I brushed my hair twice at work. Now that is something i really appreciate about myself. My hair is so long and straight and thick, it gets easily entagled just like relationships. And i enjoyed removing the knots and keeping it clean and straight, just what i am doing right now with my relationships.
I got bogged down by what my boss said two days back. The thoughts came back again and again and were disturbing me. Since i am begining to get used to living peacefully and being in a state of grace, any disturbance does not go unnoticed. I freted and fumed about it for two hours and finally called a friend, but of no use. Till i just sat quietly on my chair and realised that i am focussing on my boss. My whole focus should be on 'me'. What i feel is more important. Boss does not control my feelings. I do period.
And something amazing happened 'SNAP' i came out of it like as if i was hynotised. How lovely. This is the first time in such a short period very consciously i have choosen what i want to feel and focussed on myself. I really love that finally i did it ..even if it is only once, that i did it once gives me enough confidence that i can repeat it as many times as i want and soon it will be my second nature.
I enjoyed my little lunch today peacefully sitting alone and looking out of the window.
It rained so heavily on my way to dialysis i got wet. I was cold but what the heck! I love getting wet in the rains. Hey, despite all this i did not fall sick. So i like that my resistance has improved tremondously.
My ankles were swollen in the morning but by the time i reached dialysis, the swelling had miraculously gone. I love that my body is responding to my feel good factor.
My dialysis started really early today and i came back home by 9:30 pm. How magnificient. I have so much more time to read and write.
I slept so peacefully without any distraction and disturbance at dialysis and i am so refreshed now. I am so fresh at the fag end of my day and i like that.
I wanted to write just three things / elements about myself which i like but my list is getting longer and i still have so much more in my mind. I love that everyday i am seeing more of me and appreciating more of myself. Thanks to me.

orange sky today

2006-03-08T23:01:00.000-08:00

Woke up at 5 am today so refreshed as if i have been sleeping for ages. I love to wake up totally rejuvinated so early in the morning. Especially since i had no inclination to sleep anymore. I seemed done for the day.
I remember the last bit of a dream i had which was about a huge beautiful green hill and i seemed really happy in it. This is probably the first time my dream was focussed on a hill. Nature was the focus here. Maybe that is what made me so rejuvinated. Becoz somewhere else i was in peaceful, fresh, blissful nature. The green is so so familiar in my mind. I can also relate the dream to the hill i pass through everyday on my way to work. The greens there ..the green grass, leaves fill my heart with love.
Morning walk for 30 mts. Actually i saw that god had spilled his strawberry shake on the sky at 6:30 am. There were parts of the sky which turned rosy pink. As i peered out of the window to watch it, i smelt the morning fresh air, it was as if something divine was mixed in the air. And it was going into my lungs and cleansing my body. I could not resist but put on my jeans and go for a walk. And what a lovely walk it was! I saw flowers of different kinds, leaves of different shades, relished the sounds of different birds and thought about nothing in particular, simply enjoying my walk with ease.
My morning reading always always shapes me up for the day. It conditions me and i feel like i'm on top of the world. Maybe it does not last too long. So what? I am glad i start my day like this. As i keep working on it, i shall get better and this 'feel good factor' will stick on for a longer time and eventually become a part of me.
This is the best part of my day is what i have realised. The time till i reach the work. At work my energy gets dissipated and i lose my center and focus. So today i consciously became aware every few hours of how my time is being spent and asked myself, 'my life is passing, is this exactly what i want to do right now?' And that drove me back to my assignments and gave me the determination to sit with focus and enjoy what i am doing. Do it with joy, not as a duty. I really dont have to do a thing. Since i am choosing to do it anyways, i shall do it with joy.
A friend brought 'chole' for me to eat during lunch. She is very fond of me.
I had a great time with my friend sitting outside a cafe, not really talking much but watching the sky and the clouds. The poem i wrote is exactly what i saw today. What a lovely treat nature gave me this evening!
Today i felt that i dont need to keep having endless conversations with all and sundry in and around the office. I can remain silent at my own space and keep doing my own little work. It does not matter to me who talks to whom and stuff. The only relationship which is my focus right now is myself. As i connect with myself, deeper and stronger, i will easily connect with others. All relationships are afterall a reflection of the relationship with the self. It is the work on myself, which i am enjoying doing now-a-days. I am working in joy, with myself.
I want to unconditionally love myself. I want to never give myself away for anything. I want to stand by myself. Right now, i have begun to like myself. I know i have a long long way to go. But i am glad i made a begining.

the chair

2006-03-08T00:19:00.000-08:00

1. I love that i stood up for myself at the hospital yesterday. After my dialysis started, the nurse asked me to trade the chair i was sitting on for a bed just becoz a lady was throwing tantrums that she wont go on a bed. Once the dialysis has begun, with the needles on my arms and stuff, this is such a weird request. I figured the nurses were just unable to confront the lady and tell her that all the chairs have been taken and she should go on a bed for just today. So they were asking me to bail them out of this situation. I figured how much inconvenience it will cause to me and what if in this process the needle comes out? I flatly refused saying that my dialysis has already started and i'm am not doing this dance now between the chair and the bed. Let the lady go on a bed if she wants. I am glad i did this. I have started caring for myself.

2. I had a lovely morning reading some wonderful stuff. Woke up from a strange exotic shocking but healing dream. I am now a days in such a splendid mood every day morning that i get a brilliant start for the day.

3. I enjoyed the discussion with my boss on the appraisal. He did what he did anyways. But i did speak up and tell him exactly what i feel about it. And i worked it out in my mind to the extent that i am not really bogged down by the numbers he puts for me (which are not really so bad afterall!). And he did offer me some good advice.

4. Okay i came twice on the same exotic fantasy in my dream and ah yes i like that about myself..that i cum too on my own. Now thats a perfect example of self love...masturbation!

this morning

2006-03-06T07:53:00.000-08:00

Breath is man's life force. I woke early today to do breathing exercises for 40 minutes. It is this conscious taking in of oxygen that is going to keep me going the whole day. I care for my body. I am working towards better health. I care for my kidneys. One of these days, i'm going to have a pair of perfectly working kidneys. My kidneys will rejuvinate as they see my love for my body.

I have done my bit of early morning reading about beliefs, my innerself and my own connection with myself. It is this little reading for 30 mts i do which refreshes me. I take this into me to take it with me throughout my day. I am reminding myself of how lovely my life is to be able to wake up peacefully, breathe, read, have a cup of piping hot tea and a little bowl of idlis (a steamed dish) and head towards work. Wow, i love my life.

I have long brown black hair. I love my hair . Normally i tie it into a pony since it is so long and falls below my waist. Recently, i have been getting so many compliments for my hair. I washed it yesterday and it smells so perfect. I am looking forward to letting it fall carelessly on my shoulders, even as a pony tail.

It is a chilly monday morning here. And my bucket of hot water is waiting for me. I love the feel of warm water on my spotless body. I feel like i am in heaven or have had an orgasm, every time the weather is really cold and i take bath. I am just a few minutes away from experiencing this bliss today.

wedding

2006-03-06T00:25:00.000-08:00

I went for a wedding with my cousins and we all had a great time. Lots of fun and laughter. I know that it makes a difference for them if i come along. I am good company to be with.

I met my ex-boss in the wedding too. He greeted me with so much warmth and love. I was happy to see him and exchange a few words with him.

I met a boy of my own age who is also on dialysis at the wedding. A distant relative. I had spoken to him long ago. I spoke to him and we spoke of our lives a bit. And i suddenly realised how lovely i feel. I dont feel so miserable every single day of my life that i am on dialysis. There are downs but there are so many lovely days i have in my life. And i really treasured my self for what i am and how i am. I could see in the eyes of that boy desperation and an eagerness to get over this. And i thought to myself, many precious moments are lost in trying to wait for destination and here i am, in the same journey but i do notice the process and enjoy it for what it is worth. I so appreciate myself today for all what i am and all what i can be in any single moment of time.

appreciate yourself

2006-03-05T23:38:00.000-08:00

i see myself
in a different light
altogether these days

i know that probably
i am just another blade of grass in the vast green fields or
maybe just another drop of water in the deep blue oceans or
maybe just another moment in these million probabilities of time or
maybe another ray of light amongst the zillions which shine through the sun

yet if every blade or drop or moment or ray were to think the same
neither the vast fields
nor deep blue oceans
nor the different timeless probabilities
nor the zillion sun-rays
would ever exist

blessed and special i am
for i now know that
all answers are in me
i am my own god in the making.