Pata
My grandfather before he died (about two years ago through Parkinson's disease) he used to be everyday chanting mantras, vedas and shastras, keeping my image in mind, praying for my health. I wish I had spent more time with him. I had just been diagnosed with a kidney failure and I was in a relationship and between the two of them, I was totally confused. I did not visit him as I could not bear to see him in pain. I did not know how to handle pain then. I would run away from it always.
Two days before he died, I met him and he said "Anu, you are meeting me after one year, aren't you?" I can never forget that line. So much my grandfather missed me. I was SO stupid and selfish. I am in such deep pain and guilt when I think of this. I almost start to cry.
Even when he died, I did not cry. I pretended he was alive as I felt I would be shatterred if the one man who loved me most died!
I'm still pretending. But once in a while, when some friend innocently and loving asks things and I remember him, I momentarily let myself expreience the feeling of pain.
But now, my grandmother is very old and misses my grandfather. Every week no matter what happens, I visit her on Saturdays. I listen to her...all stories of her aches and pains. I talk to her about grandfather and I know she waits for the entire week for my visit. I know she adores me and I love her a LOT. I'll give her all the love I have.
Grandfather has told me many mythological stories of bravery and goodness, magic and mystic and also old Indian fables of Panchatantra (based on animals and birds, which I love) and Aesop tales. I'll post some of them in the future and also some wonderful chants with meanings.
I used to call my Grandfather 'Pata' which meant 'Grandpa'. This is not a word in my native language, I created it as that was all I could pronounce as a kid and all my cousins followed me in that.
Two days before he died, I met him and he said "Anu, you are meeting me after one year, aren't you?" I can never forget that line. So much my grandfather missed me. I was SO stupid and selfish. I am in such deep pain and guilt when I think of this. I almost start to cry.
Even when he died, I did not cry. I pretended he was alive as I felt I would be shatterred if the one man who loved me most died!
I'm still pretending. But once in a while, when some friend innocently and loving asks things and I remember him, I momentarily let myself expreience the feeling of pain.
But now, my grandmother is very old and misses my grandfather. Every week no matter what happens, I visit her on Saturdays. I listen to her...all stories of her aches and pains. I talk to her about grandfather and I know she waits for the entire week for my visit. I know she adores me and I love her a LOT. I'll give her all the love I have.
Grandfather has told me many mythological stories of bravery and goodness, magic and mystic and also old Indian fables of Panchatantra (based on animals and birds, which I love) and Aesop tales. I'll post some of them in the future and also some wonderful chants with meanings.
I used to call my Grandfather 'Pata' which meant 'Grandpa'. This is not a word in my native language, I created it as that was all I could pronounce as a kid and all my cousins followed me in that.
posted by anu at 11:22 PM
3 Comments:
hi grandma
I'll convey your regards to her, J. Thank you.
This is the most beautiful post, beautiful Anu!!! I LOVE the sound of your Pata. And I would love to hear more of his mythological stories and such - all of those things fascinate me so much, and I love learning from them. I also love so much that you see your Grandma every Saturday. I know I should make much more of an effort with my grandparents and call them so much more than I do - especially my Grandma, it would make her whole week. Maybe this weekend I will do just that!
I'm sorry I've been absent recently!! I'm catching up now and have missed reading your poetic and lovely posts!!!! I'm so happy to be back!!! :)
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