Saturday, September 30, 2006

in harmony once again

I was just getting mighty irritated with my colleague yesterday(Friday evening) when my boss dumped some of his work on me as he wasworking on another assignment. And yesterday evening when I saw mycolleague and he came to talk to me smilingly, I did not talk to himproperly as I could not help it. I was angry and I just ignored him.

But this anger and irritation had taken me away from my center and Iwas feeling the disconnect, the discomfort. I had been trying thebalance of the day to get back into my center but I just was so angryI wanted to be mean and hurt him, it seemed like that was the onlything which may give me satisfaction. So I sat in silence totallyinto my work, and worked like a dog the whole day.

When I was going back home, I'm still tryng to work these feelings inmy head. I was thinking what a lovely long weekend I have and I mayprobably ruin it with my own irritation. Just then out of the blue, Iremembered my (late) Grandfather.

I told my Grandfather with all emotions what had happenned(in mymind, I felt like he was really there listening to me). He then toldme that, "Come on Anu, it is just a two more departments you have todo isn't it? And you are SO good at what you do. It's not going totake you time. Don't be mean or rude or unkind. Just accept it. Dontresist it. You don't want this to spoil your weekend, don't you?.."And there are some other things he told me, which I don't quietremember now. He was so lovingly telling me these things that I gotso easily calm and centered in myself.

My anger, resistance and irritation which I'd been working on for thewhole day yesterday just disintegrated into thin air, even as I wastalking. It had something to do with the warmth and love which myGrandfather gave me and the wise words which he spoke made me SObelieve in him and listen to him. I suddenly realised I'm back to myold own cheerful bubbly spirited self and I thought about mycolleague and a smile broke out of my face. The irritations andresistance feelings were GONE and there was a certain 'allowing'replacing it.

Probably, Grandfather was my own voice. But I knew, he would havesaid exactly those words. He would not let me brood or fret over theissue. It would be so irrelevant and insignificiant for him.

I'm so glad to be in harmony again. I could do 7 moredepartments easily in this state of mind LOL! Do it in utterpleasure, joy and excitement topped with spontaineity and enthusiasm.And what's more...I'd be enjoying myself too in that process :)

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

the enchanted garden

My friend 'E' suggested to me this exercise of going into a healing chamber and visulaizing myself getting healed - emotinally, physically, mentally, pscyhically, spiritually...

So I created my healing chamber in my mind's eye. Last thusday during dialysis, as I was drifting off to sleep, I consciously visualised my healing chamber. My healing chamber was an open forest. With lots of trees towering to reach the clouds, wild creepers, sweet scented flowers, a lake right in the middle, rabbits running around and swans floating blissfully in the lake. It was night time and the silver full moon was shining brightly. I could see its reflection in the clear ripple-free waters of the lake. The grass was sweet and so soft, it felt like the smoothest carpet in the world. There were colorful butterflies dancing around. Roses and sunflowers and lotuses of red, pink and white colors in the lake. It was a wishful garden, where the moment you wished for anything, a golden flower would bloom and gold and silver dust particles would fill the air with its fragrance and you're wish is fulfilled immediately. What ever your intention is, IS manifested almost instantly. There are talking birds flying around - robins, parrots, crows, pigeons, singing mynas, sparrows and cranes. The birds, animals, trees, butterflies and even fishes talk to you in the language you talk to them. The lake had the sweetest water on earth and not only quenched the thirst, it also had enormous healing powers, it could heal any bruise, wound or stab or virtually anything, broken bones are healed, limbs grow and chronic incurable diseases are healed instantly when a few drops of the lake's sweet water are given to any person.

An absolutely enchanted garden I created!

Today just when I was about to get dressed (I'd just come from my bath), I felt something pulling on my lower abdomen. It felt like I had deep cramps and all the muscles of my lower abdomen (just above the navel) were pulling so vigorously, I could barely sit still. I hurridly put on my long flowing night gown and lay down on the bed. I was curled up like a worm and could not move, so pretty severe was the feeling. I dont know if it was acidity or cramps or something else. But it was pretty unberabale at that moment.

As I lay down, unable to even talk but with tears flowing from my eyes. I remembered my enchanted garden. I was so distracted, I could barely think of it. I persisted. I asked myself what am I communicating to myself through this severe cramps/acidity above the navel. I remembered that the sexual organ centre was 'orange' and a coincidence I was wearing an orangish red night gown. And the pain was just above the navel. I told myself that I must listen to my body. If I try to listen to it sincerely, the message will come across and then the pain will automatically stop.

I almost forced myself to go into my enchanted garden, as my eyes closed. I visualized myself lying down on the banks of my beautiful garden. I could see the reflection of the moon on the lake. I could see the creepers and the tall trees bending over me. The little tiny butterflies flutterring around me. I almost instantly felt better and the pain 'seemed' to reduce a bit. The a rabbit came to me with some of the healing sweet water from the lake and I drank it from its white furry hands. A beautiful white swan who had been watching me all this while, swam to the banks where I was laying and inserted his beak in my mouth and I felt sweet pure water flow into my throat again. I felt safe and calm in my enchanted garden. The cramps and pain seemed to be decreasing and I was falling asleep.

In about 20 mts., I was awakened by my father saying I had a call. When I reluctantly opened my eyes, the pain was GONE! The cramps were no longer there. I couldn't believe it! It just took about 20mts of healing in my enchanted garden to relieve me of the excruciating pain I was feeling. My Dad asked me 'how are you feeling now?" And I told him, "I'm in my magical enchanted garden and my pain has gone. I'm perfectly alright now." My Dad of course, did not believe me and just went away.

I was so drowsy I slept till 1pm in the afternoon. Thank you my lovely wonderful enchanted garden, my healing chamber. I'm having new hopes, stronger faiths in my own healings now!

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Ugliness

A friend told me, "Anu, see beauty in beauty and beauty in ugliness too."

And I was thinking...Ugliness is so beautiful isnt it?

It never needs to be special. It is always alone yet so cool and centered in itself.

It knows beauty takes the limelight and it may be severely judged despite everything. Yet it just is being itself. It does not mind being the second runner up.

Sometimes it does not even mind being a loser.

Such is the beauty of ugliness...ohhhh how beautiful is ugliness!

Seeing beauty in ugliness may be like being glad when you have to feel bad, laughing when you should be crying, trying to stand up when you have had a fall and smiling wide even if you know you won't get one back in return.

Ugliness may also mean dirty, smelly, ugly, hatred, frustrated, dissapointed, irritated sides of US which we are not ready to accept. But these sides do exist and like little children with running noses and muddy clothes, they too vie for our attention and appreciation.

Seeing the beauty in ugliness may also mean accepting all sides of ourselves. By not discounting ourselves. Instead by appreciating ourselves. When we appreciate ourselves, we eleviate ourselves and then we are like a beautiful bubble which can float anywhere like a snow white cloud gladdenning the hearts which look up to the sky for a miracle!

Saturday, September 23, 2006

someone special in my life...

I'm so sorry for not posting so long..I've been celebrating my b-day from last thusday till date..lol and the celebrations are going to continue..till I find some other reason to celebrate life!

This year I did not want to wait for someone to make me feel special...especially a significiant other. This year I had no boy-friend to send me red roses. This year there were going to be no romantic conversations and long phone calls. This year there was going to be noone to whisper sweet nothings in my year and kiss me to bed.

BUT, this year there was someone special in my life. This year there was me. And I decided (unconsiously) to make my day/s special for myself.

I went shopping alone for my b-day dress. I purchased a nice tight black blouse. Later when I was cleaning my closet at home, I found a new skirt (lovely super thin black-beige skirt) which I had purchased from malaysia last year but never worn. I wore that combination and I looked absolutely gorgeous! I got so many compliments and I felt so easy with the super thin skirt and the tight blouse.

To begin with I distributed cakes at the dialysis ward on last thusday...with all the nurses, technicians, patients who come for treatment. On Friday, when I was returning from work, with black forest cakes I saw my computer guys working late so I visited them and gave them the cakes. Then when I was paying the rick guy, I thought why shouldn't he have the 1/2 kg choclate cake I have purchased? So then I gave it to him. On Saturday (my birthday), I cut a big choclate cake at home and a huge flower bouquet arrived from my parents and my sister. In the afternoon I was busy recieving greetings and wishes from friends abroad. In the evening, I took many croissonts choclate pastries to my martial arts class. My sensei and the guys enjoyed it a lot. On Sunday, I went with a big choclate cake to grandmom's place and I cut the cake there and celebrated with my cousins, uncle, aunt and my beautiful grandmother. My cousin bro gave me a lovely tea-green blouse and I wore that. On Monday, I got the boquet from my company, which is given to every employee on their b-day. On Tuesday, I cut a huge black forest cake with another girl in my team (whose birthday it was on tuesday) and we invited all the bosses and colleagues for the party and it was great fun. On Wenesday, I gave cakes to the two maids who keep the loo clean and who are extremely fond of me. The next day, they brought two little gifts for me too..a little show-piece and a little choclate bar. On Thusday, I was just very happy as the muslim uncle's blood pressure had dropped and he refused to be taken to the ICU. He said he wants to look at my face. When I went to meet him, he spoke for a few seconds to me. The doctor then took his blood pressure and he said "perfect 120/80". Gosh! this seemed like magic to me and I was just so glad. On Friday, we had a party(friday happy hours) at work and I was busy singing with my team so that was fun. On Saturday (today), I have just come back from the most magnificient picnic of my life!

So you see...I've made my days special! I've been gifting myself by gifting others. Feeling glad by spreading gladness around me..in whatever ways..sometimes smiles, sometimes cakes, sometimes laughter. The funny thing about this is...it comes back to you tenfold!

This b-day I also went up to people who I like/love/adore and I told them that today is my b-day and it won't do if you just wish me, I want you to give me a nice tight hug! Be it the super boss of my company (who I totally adore) or my colleagues at work, or my cousin brother. For the very first time, I was so relaxed when hugged and I felt really really good. And what's more I gave a nice tight hug oozing with love back!

Thank you friends, for wishing me, being with me through my laughter and tears. Thank you for the lovely cards and personal mails. Thanks wdky for making me feel SO special by wishing me happy b-day on your blog on my b-day. It just thrilled me SO much. I'm still awaiting a lovely magical mystical gift, I'm yet to recieve from someone I totally adore and am SO crazy about!

How lovely that my day became so special that I'm still celebrating the spirit of my b-day till now. This must've been the longest b-day celebration ever! The most loveliest too. And the most simplest.

Well..that's how the b-days are when you are with butterflies, blue skies, green moss, golden suns and moonbeams. You dance in estacy all the while. Drunk without drinking. Walking in air. Floating in the clouds. Being kissed by flowers and hugged by the soft breeze. The parties are organised by invisible fairies and blessings are showered by angels with silver wings. Stars are lit up to brigthen the nights and the navy blue ocean sings the sweetest songs with its musical insturments, the waves.

Sometimes when you feel you're going to be all alone, the whole universe celebrates with you!
And sometimes you spend all your life searching for someone special only to realise that, that special person is you, yourself.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

the magic brush

Rapunzel, the beautiful long long haired girl, was sitting sadly all alone with her dragon and rabbit friends in the tall tower. The witch had crushed her paintings and paint brushes into pieces. Rapunzel went to sleep with a tear in her eye. She was awakened in the middle of the night though. She went to the only window of the tall tower and saw the twinkling stars smiling at her and the lovely moon gazing at her face turning her skin silver. She thought, "The moon is also alone like me, but not lonely. Maybe I'll ask the moon and stars to sleep with me tonight." Saying this to herself, she went to bed with a smile on her face.

When she awoke she saw a silver paint brush with bright stars on it. It looked so much more lovelier than the dry, withered, wood brush she had. Excited she dipped her new brush in the blue paint. She went to the wall and painted...and it looked like the sky.She dipped her brush again in green paint, and painted...this time it became the green leaves and trees.

The Dragon and the rabbit asked her, it looks so real, it has never looked so lovelier before. And she has hardly moved her brush and its there on the wall!!! Rapunzel said, "the paint brush seems to be reading her intentions". Whatever she seems to desire, manifests...effortlessly.

Rapunzel placed her hand on the wall and it almost went inside. Soon Rapunzel, her friends - the Dragon and the Rabbit realised that it was all real on the wall. The sky, the trees, the leaves, the waterfall and the kingdoms. Rapunzel had a magic brush!!! Whatever she holds in her mind as her desire, her intention....will become reality.

I see such a Rapunzel in myself. Breaking through from one dimension into another. Everytime I think of this fairy tale, I'm reminded of the Rapunzel in me breaking free of limiting beliefs, with my magic brush.

I have one too. It is silver in color too and has stars at the end. It resides in my heart. It paints my world with the colors of my heart. Sometimes I've lovely bright vibrant colors, sometimes shades of grey, sometimes pitch black and oh yes, sometimes I spill them all over and make a mess of it.

Rapunzel's magic paint brush was magical because she believed in the magic in her heart. I'm going to believe in the magic in my heart too. And I'll do this by reminding myself everyday that:

"I've magic too. And its not in the paint brush. Its here, in my heart".

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

the birthday gift

I've been through verbal abuse. There was this guy at work who used to scream, yell at me and throw papers on my face. No matter how hard I worked, he would always critise me and I would be forever crying at work. He told the bosses I was no good at work and he almost wanted me to leave the company. I'd out of severe stress and pressure from this guy feared that I'd lose my job and my parents were frantically trying to get me hooked on to a guy in an arranged marraige and I feared if I lost my job, I'll be dependent on them financially and that'll give them another reason to force me. This continued from July 2002 to Dec 2003. And I'd stopped eating and drinking by then unconsiously. I fell sick badly in Nov 2003 and I was ill for more than a week. The guy at work started grumbling so much to the then CFO (Chief Financial Officer) that I got scared that they'll chuck me out of work. My work was my only creative outlet, my passion, my expression and my creations..I couldnt bear to see myself being pushed into an arranged marraige with an NRI (Non-Resident Indian). I had always wanted to do my own thing...my work, my life. Oh and I was also in love then ..in an very very intense relationship (but that is another story and I'll save that for another time).

So when I was so seriously sick, parents did not believe me for they were angry with me as I was rejecting guys. So I'd got myself admitted in the hospital and that's when in Dec 2003 they diagnosed me with a Chronic Renal failure..both kidneys permanently failed and life-long dialysis. Even after I rejoined work in Jan'04 the situation had not eased much. The abuse restarted again after a few months and by Dec '04 I was again skipping my dialysis this time due to too much pressure of work.

Finally in Jan' 05, I complained to the "nth" time to the management and this time I wrote that I'm going to write to our parent company in States for harrassement, and even if I lose my job I'm not going to tolerate this anymore. That's when the change happenned. The then CFO took action for the first time and I was transferred to another department and a new CFO was appointed (the present CFO got promoted to be the COO- Chief Operating Officer). The new CFO and my present boss are wonderful to me and I love love them and they do shower me with a lot of affection. I even got promoted this year for the brilliant work I did last year.

So coming back to the abuse, I have at one point, stood up and put an end to it, at the cost of my job and relationship for I had almost lost my life.

At first I was angry with others for doing it to me. Then I became a victim and I was sad and depressed. Then I was angry with myself for letting me go through this.

Now I'm forgiving myself. How am I doing it? Through joy and peace and bliss, which is filling my body, my cells, my tissues and everynerve. I've been working on this for a long long time now. I started about three years ago, but I did make really good progress only fromMarch 06, when I was totally 'alone'.

My relationship had broken and I had noone to turn to but myself at that time. I spent endless days and countless nights crying, writing and dwelling in pain. I tried to run away from it, burn it and buryit. But the pain seemed invincible.

Until one day, I sat down and just let it be, even as the tears ran down my cheeks....I did not seek to fix it anymore.

Suddenly, when I barely realised, I was making the transition..i could feel it. I am still in the transition mode. And I am feeling it right now. How do I feel it? The few moments of joy which I have. Those come from within me. Even if they last for merely one pico second,I'm still glad that they happen to me.

I've forgiven myself and the guy who abused me at work. But it tookme a while. It took me 1 and 1/2 years of work to reach this place where I replace that bitterness, hatred, blood boiling feelings, hurt, frustration for this guy with forgiveness. Even now, I'm not sure if these feelings of forgiveness are permanent and I feel I may still feel angry thinking of that experience. But while I'm filled with joy and light, (like right now), I'm not angry and I want to make the most of this moment by forgiving myself and that guy.

Just yesterday we crossed each other's paths and I told him this:
Anu: Hi Guy
Guy: Hi..eh...Hi (shocked and looking into my eyes)
Anu: Congratulations on your wedding (extends hand)
Guy: eh...Thanks (with a smile and still so shocked and holding my hand)
Anu: I have been wanting to wish you for long. I wanted to come toyour seat but you were busy or surrounded with people..
Guy: (nodding, still holding my hand and looking into my eyes)
Anu: I'm sorry about what happenned between us
Guy: Oh that's okay. Its the past. Its already history now (with asmile and still looking into my eyes and holding my hand)
Anu: Well..I just wanted to say I want to like you and I wish youwell.
Guy: (with a smile) thank you..thank you so much.

After this I ran away from that place in full speed. I've not yet recovered from what I've done. And sometimes I'm scared becoz I dont know if I'm totally healed. I'd not communicated with this guy forabout 1 and 1/2 yrs. The last communication was the big fight and my entire company including the top management knows about this.

But I just wanted to take a chance. Not to prove anything. Just becoz I felt I was so overflowing with love and joy that there was no place for any anger or bitterness in me at that time and I could not but say what I said to him.

Mind you, i did not forgive the Guy becoz I forgave what he did to me. I forgive him becoz I'm too full of love and I've worked my way here by doing countless other things. I forgave him becoz I dont have any place for hatred and bittreness in my heartright now (I dont knwo about tomm) and not becoz I want to be virtuous.

But again, it took me to learn to sit beside myself, listen tomyself, talk to myself, cry nights after nights emptying my heart tomyself, wonder if I'll ever get over this pain...and writeendlessly..write even though there are no readers..and talk eventhough there is no audience..

Having done all this, I've somewhere learnt to trust myself 'equal toa grain of sand'. That trusting of myself equal to a grain of sandhas brought me where I'm today. Right now I dont have that pain I hadin my heart and hence I'm forgiving him out of 'joy' of my own being.And I can't help doing that sweetie..right now that is just "me".

Yes and his eyes were kind when they were looking into mine and hewas still holding my hand. Those expressive kind eyes encouraged meto say what I felt and the warmth in the hands kept me feelingstill 'safe'.

I don't know if he will change tommorrow or I'll change myperception. I'll deal with that if and when I come to that. For now,I'm basking in my own love and affection..

Anyways, I'm glad for what happenned. It is the end of a major chapter and a begining of a new relationship with the same person.This is the same person, with the mention of whose's name my blood used to boil and I would lose my temper and I hated him so much. ButI think, as I'm getting closer to myself and loving myself and appreciating myself, I'm unconsiously learning to forgive myself and forgive others....not in weakness but in strength...with great power! Not in pretension to patch things up...in real brutal honesty, with courage and conviction and lots of trust in myself and the love flowing through my nerves which is calling out to me to do this.

I'm so so so glad about this. This just makes me feel so good right now and I'm having this huge big bright smile on my beautiful face. This is my birthday gift to myself...forgiveness of myself and another. My birthday is on this saturday..the 16th of September :))

Thanks for reading this, I didn't mean to write it so long, I got carried away by the waves of my memories and it's just now that I found the shores and I'm anchoring my ship here ;)

Sunday, September 10, 2006

T

Today at the aikido class, I was a little unable to get my act together. I wonder why...just one of those strange days when I spend too much time thinking, I guess.

A new guy has joined the martial arts class (well..he has been around for a few classes). His name is T and he is a friend of sensei. He is an american guy and though he has just joined, he does the rolls exceedingly well and has already mastered the techniques. He is not really tall, about my height, 5" and he has a very handsome face and nice sandy hair.

After every class, one boy rushes to the bathroom and wets all the cleaning towels and we all wipe the mats clean. Then we have to fold them and stack them up in the corner of the room. So yesterday, after class I was waiting alone (S, my dear girl friend had not come) near the men's rest room for the boy to wet the cleaning towels. The other guys busy on the other side of the long long room talking.

When the boy came out, I took one wet towel and as I was hurrying towards the mats, T came up to me and asked me, "What's your name?" I told him, "Anu". He extended his hand and said, "I'm T". I looked at my hands, which were wet on account of holding the wet towel. I rubbed my hands dry on my white uniform. T said, "oh, that's alright." I smiled and shook hands with him saying, "I'm glad to meet you T."

T said, "Anu, if you please I can teach you to do the forward roll. You need to make more of a circle with your hands. You see, I've learnt judo for a while and that's why I'm able to pick up the rolls easily. I've been observing you and I feel I know just how to get you to do the roll smoothly, enjoying yourself and without hurting yourself."

I was so shocked. I couldn't my ears, that someone has offerred to help me. In the past, I would go to the senior boys and request them and they would try and help me out. But this was absolutely wonderful, someone actually offerring to help me. I smiled and told T, "I'll be so glad to learn the rolls from you, T. Its been six months and I'm trying so hard. I've improved but not yet got it right. You fall so beautifully, like a flower." T said, "Its easy, I'll be very happy to teach you how I do it." I said, "Thank you, again" and I rushed to the mats as the other students were already cleaning the mats. And I was keen to do my share of cleaning.

After class after we change, we all meet at the centre of the hall before we leave. Sensei normally waits for the girls to come and he leaves only when we're ready. I saw T arranging some things in the school and wearing his boots. I went up to him and told him, "T, I'm very thankful for your gracious offer. I'm eager to start training to get the rolls right." T said, "Can you come early on Wenesday so that we can practise?" I told T, "I work so I cannot come on Wenesday early. It takes me an hour to travel from work to the school. I will be able to reach here just on time on Wenesday. So can we make it a Saturday?" T said, "That's fine but not this Saturday, next Saturday. I'm not going to be here this Saturday."

The other guys were watching and listening to this conversation intently. After this we just waved to each other and left for home.

So that's the story for now. I'm very excited about this roll-business. Nothing makes me more happy than to roll smoothly and land like a flower. And I'm also excited that someone asked me and offerred to help me. It just made me feel so good. It felt a little funny to be standing there and talking to T and seeing all the other indian guys just staring at us.

So I'm going to look forward to this roll-learning business with T. Probably, this is the first time someone (other than the teaher himself) showed some interest in me, in the martial arts class and it feels very refreshing to be surprised by the universe in such delicious manners.

Funny enough, the surprise happenned when there were no expectations. No projections into the future. No trying to gain attention and/or approvals. When I was totally focussed in me. Standing alone waiting for the wet cloth to clean the mats. When I was in the NOW, being present in the now. Maybe, just maybe, we'll totally surprise ourselves when we are focussed, present and creating in the NOW.

No, probably, we'll more than surprise ourselves..we'll astound ourselves.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

the farewell

Yesterday the entire department at work gave a farewell to Mr V, as it was his last day in the organisation. Mr V has put in 10 yrs of work and now is changing jobs. He has a wife and two sons and is a Senior Manager in the company. We all went to a nice restuarant for lunch. The menu was not planned properly and directions were not given correctly as a result, we ended up having the fixed lunch. The lunch was lovely and simple. Less oily and spicy. I thoroughy enjoyed it as this kind of lunch suits me very well.

But most of my colleagues did not quite enjoy the lunch. They are used to placing lavish orders from starters till desserts. Fried, oily, spicy stuff..in every course of the meal. So most of them were unhappy and very grumpy. Nearly everyone was complaining as to who placed the fucking order.

Particularly two men, Mr R and Mr P, who were AVPs (Associate Vice Presidents) in the department, a very high grade, were very annoyed. They were sitting towards my right. Firstly they did not like the idea of 'fixed' lunch. They felt insulted that they could not order what they wanted. This lunch was sponsored by the company. And hence they felt it was only right for them to eat heartily and spend lavishly. And considering their 'position' and 'grade', they felt this was a lousy lunch party. Which it was probably..but they were very emotive and very expressive of their unhappiness.

To add to these issues, when Mr P asked for a side-dish, becoz it was a fixed lunch, the waiters told him that 'the side-dish is over' and when Mr R asked for 'Dal', they had to make one for him. So finally, Mr R and Mr P were extremely upset and they insisted on making a display on it by sulking. At their levels, anyone would think, if they wanted something, they rather be proactive and just order it. But they kept asking the other girls and complaining instead to taking action and just ordering the food they wanted.

So they sat there ....grumbling, criticising and sulking. The dessert was not good too. Apparently, it was supposed to be a fruit salad but there was no cream in it and it just ended up to be a bowl of fruits. And it was such a small bowl. So Mr P in anger told the waiter, "he dosent want the desert..which was a bowl of fruits." He was so very upset. So was Mr R.

I saw everyone's reactions, though myself I was just silently having the lunch. The simpler it was, the more I enjoyed it actually. I started feeling the anger and frustration most of my colleagues were talking about. I started to wonder..how/what can I feel glad about.

I was glad the food was so simple becoz then I could eat it. I dont like oily, spicy, fried food..it makes me feel lethargic and it is not good for my kidneys too. I love that the food was not much then I could value it and relish what I ate. I could be glad that the bowl of fruits did not have cream, fruits are far more healthier, aren't they? I could be glad for the lovely piano soft music which was playing. I could be glad for the beautiful ambience and lovely green green plants all around us.

At one point, I saw some couples and started feeling 'bad' instead of 'glad' wondering whether at all, I'll sit in a resturarant like this with a lovely beautiful man who will look into my eyes and listen interestingly to my conversations. I almost had tears in my eyes and I suddenly realised the magical powers I possessed...through which I believed I could create anything and everything I wanted. What are my magical powers? Imaginations...so I changed the images floating in front of my eyes slightly. Instead of focussing on the 'lack' of something (companionship, in this case) I chose to focus on the 'abundance' of the very same something. I started to imagine that I am sitting with a lovely young man in this restuarant, with soft music, who is looking into my eyes so very lovingly and listening to my conversations, who cares for me and loves me. And I feel that something in my heart everytime I look into his sparkling mischivious eyes. Oh I so loved it. Instead of feeling 'bad' I ended up feeling so 'glad'. Soon the tears in my eyes turned into a beautiful smile on my lips...a shine in my eyes and a rosy color on my cheeks..and an anu in love..

And finally I was really really glad to notice this: Mr V, who's farewell it was, was happyily enjoying his lunch. He was just a simple nice man. If he did not get what he wanted like he wanted steamed rice and it was over, he just asked for it. He did not feel offended becoz it was over and he had to ask! He did not feel it was 'his ' farewell party and the arrangements were so lousy. Instead he was laughing at the weird poor service we got and cracking jokes and making all of us laugh. When Mr P refused to eat his bowl of fruits, the waiter brought the bowl of fruits and placed it in the center of the table. Mr V was so cute, he just picked it up asked alould, "hey this is someone's bowl of fruits" and Mr P made a nasty face and sulked saying, "he dosen't want it". This did not offend Mr V. He just picked it up and distributed the bowl of fruits between himself and Miss S, sitting next to him. How cool was that!

I felt so glad seeing Mr V being the way he was. All this so effortlessly, so naturally. Though he had every reason to be upset, as afterall it was his last day in the company. Yet he seemed so happy for what was 'there' instead of sulking and making the atmosphere so unpleasant.

The AVPs who held such high positions in the company, could / would not want to change the situation (by ordering what they wanted) or feel glad for what they had. Instead they choose to sulk, say unpleasant things, make annoying faces and feel like a victim. But Mr V as so happy, cool and glad. He did not take the lousy farewell party personally.

After the party, I along with my three friends went with Mr V to the mall in his car and had a fruit ice-cream. We were laughing, joking and telling Mr V how much we're going to miss him. I even mentioned how glad I am that he is glad about the lunch party and how wonderful he is. Mr V was blushing, so sweet he is.

Later during a tea-break, I met Mr P (who is my immediate boss) and always finding something to be grumpy about, and he sarcastically remarked to me and my colleague. "aah I'm feeling so good now...after I've eaten my heart's content in the cafeteria below." Someone sitting with us asked him "oh! I thought you went for a lunch party." Mr P frowned and said in an angry tone, "Fuck what a lousy party it was!"

Such high positions of management and leadership people hold and yet they find it so difficult to be proactive and to be adjusting. Noone needs to tip a bad service, but there are manners and courtesies..there are ways to 'try' to be pleasant in unpleasant situations. There are ways to be accomodating. There are ways to be gracious. There are Mr Vs who set an example, through their actions, whether anyone notices or not. And there are little Anu girls, who notice all these little golden moments and feel glad that the lousy moments happen so that she can acknowledge and appreciate the wonder, elegance and grace of the beautiful moments.

I'm so glad that the lousy lunch party happenned, for how else would I have known this:
"Greatness wears no decorations,
Pettiness too wears no uniform."
- annoyomous

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

the celeb meet


On Monday I was asleep during dialysis. Something so wonderful happenned to me. An Indian super-star, hot and sexy, the craze of India, Salman Khan (SK) happenned to visit the hospital to meet some relative admitted in the ICU (which is across my dialyisis ward). A 15-yr old little girl is on temporary dialysis in my ward and her mom requested this super-star's secretary if the SK can visit the girl for a few minutes. The secretary told SK and he immediately got up and walked straight into the dialysis ward.

While he was talking to her, it was late in the night about 10 pm, my mom woke me up excitedly and told me SK is in the ward. I told her I'd rather sleep. I was seeing a lovely beautiful pleasant dream and when I was woken up I forgot the dream totally. I just had the sweet feelings of it.

Meanwhile, my mom had already dissapeared. I lay awake on my bed, thinking what would have my dream been about? And suddenly before I realised, I saw SK walking towards me. He was looking at my face with great interest. I told him immediately, "I'm so sorry, I am actually embarrassed. My mom told me you've come here. And I may want to meet you. But I'm not wanting to disturb you into meeting me. So I'm sorry for that you had to come to meet me." SK immedaitely said, "Oh no, I'm not disturbed at all and you need not be sorry. Why should you be." Then he stood there next to me for about 30 mts and talked to me. This is how the conversation flowed:

SK: So how are you?
Anu: I'm fine and you?
SK: I'm fine too.
silence
SK: So what happenned to you?
Anu: The doctors say my both kidneys have failed so I'm on dialysis.
SK staring at me in silence
Anu: But its alright. I'm O.K. with that...It is also an experience I've accepted it and I'm glad this happenned.
SK: O.K. with this? You shouldn't be O.K. with this. This is not an experience one may want to go through. And there is nothing to be glad about this!!
Anu: Oh yes there is! If it was not for this, I would have never met these lovely people in the hospital and of course..there are some other nice things which happenned in my life. I know this is an incurable disease and I'm fine with it now!
SK: No No..you must fight this disease. This is not something to be loved. This is something to be kicked out.
Anu: I know this may never go away so I dont want to stress myself by fighting it, and so I'm fine with it.
SK: Why should you be? And how can you be? This needs to be kicked out. You see, we build buildings and sometimes some tenants don't vacate their houses. So they need to be kicked out. Like this you kick out this disease from your body. This is your body and your soul and dont let these tresspassers believe this is their home.
Anu: bursts out laughing
SK is shocked but then he too laughs looking at me
SK: So how are you fighting this disease?
Anu: I dont lie here full day..I've so many things to do. I work and I go for my martial arts class which I'm very passionate about, you see.
SK: But, how are you fighting this disease???
Anu: I'm not fighting it...or maybe I'm with my cheerfulness.
The Assistant Doctor interrupts the conversation and he rubs my feet gently and looks at SK and says "She is the most intelligent and cheerful patient in this hospital and we are so proud of her. She is so normal. She even does martial arts. She is as normal as you and me. She is such an inspiration."
Anu: (interrupting to SK) Oh..Dr is just being very kind to me.
SK: but she tells me that she will die and this disease is incurable.
Dr: she is right!
SK: hey dr, don't just stand there and tell me so! Hasn't science and technology found a cure for this?
Dr: No, sorry!
SK: (Looking at me) There must be some cure ??
Dr: There is no cure. But she may be off dialysis if she has a transplant and gets a kidney.
SK: Oh well..then what are you waiting for...give her one!
Dr: She does not have a donor Sir.
SK: Bullshit! In this country, there are millions and billions of people and you're telling me that this little girl is going to die becoz there is no donor for her?
Dr: Precisely, that is exactly what I'm saying. The concept of ogran donation is not popular in India. Her own relatives have not considered donating their kidney to her, why blame others?
SK: (looking at me) Don't your relatives want to give you a kidney?
Anu: No. My Uncles have the same blood group as me but they are not mentally prepared or ready for this. And I've never asked them too. I wouldnt want to be obligated to them and then if ever anything happens to them, they or their family may choose to blame me for it. I wouldnt want that.
SK: (nodding at me and looking at the Dr) So isn't there any other way to give her a kidney?
Dr: There is through a Cadeaver (kidney of a person who just died but his organs are still working). But there are very many people on the waiting list for such kidneys and she is way behind in the queue.
SK: Oh dude, just tell me how much it costs to get her a kidney?
Dr: You see, you can't buy it. You must register for it and she is way behind in the line.
Anu: But I am not going to have a transplant.
SK and Dr both staring at me totally bewildered
SK: what do you mean? (sounding cross)
Anu: I mean what I say. I'm not wanting another kidney in me. I want my own. I dont like temporary fixes. I dont like knifes cutting my stomach and I dont like scars on my spotless body.
SK: (bends down and shows me his huge bicep) look at this..this is a scar, there is one on my other bicept and there are so many on my head...and of course all over my body.
Anu: (staring at him)
SK: I think scars are sexy
Anu: (laughing)
SK: (looking at my mom and smiling) what else can I say to this girl now? (shakes his head)

A lady interrupts the conversation, requesting SK to talk to her son who wouldnt believe that SK is in the ward. SK immediately agrees and talks to her son. After the call is over, he looks at me and says, "I've to go. I'll see you again later."
I looked at him calmly and said, "Okay, thank you for coming."
SK: (walking away said something I couldnt hear or understand)

So this was the surprise celeb meet I had on Monday. I was so cool and calm that later, all the nurses and technicians asked me if I had lost my head. They almost cursed me. They said I could've asked anything of SK. Interesting questions, a picture with him, an autograph...anything. But I just sat there talking to him as cooly as if I was talking to the receptionst downstairs. How could i be so as-a-matter-of-fact. Why was I not excited or bubbly or chirpy jumping all over him? They all told me, I've probably lost my head.

I don't know why I was what I was. I was excited for he is the first celeb I've ever met since I was born. And as you know well, my life consists of mud, trees, blue skies, grass, flowers, butterflies and the such. There are hardly any human beings, I can write about. I should've been mighty thrilled. But I'm just feeling normal. I'm happy that life has surprised me and for once, something really happenned and I did not have to imagine it. So that is such a lovely surprise. But that's it. I don't feel anything great about what happenned. I'm very surprised with my own unexplainable behaviour.

Having said all this, I know SK has a lot to do other than think about me. I know I may be just one of the thousands of patients he is meeting. And I dont expect to see him again. But I'm so glad I met him for now I've something exciting to imagine from this. I can make hundreds of stories of SK and me in my mind. I can drag this little 30 mt meeting to a nice long story with lovely splendid happy happy events in my mind. That will make me so happy. I can imagine more unimaginable things in my mind and bask in the feelings of love generated in my heart. How lovely will that be.

There are no taxes on dreams. So I'm going to dream as much and as long and as rich as I want, for dreams are so lovely...In dreams we create a world of our own...Just remember one rule of great dreaming is, live in your dream world but with unconditional love again. Don't lay conditions on your dreams that they must come true. Let the reality and the universe decide and decipher how and whether that can/should happen. Dance to the music of the wonderful powers of the mind ..Imaginations. Dance not to perfect or the win the prize....just for the pleasure of dancing...for the sake of the dance...

I'm dancing such a dance now. I'm not stopping and I dont have an audience. I dance for myself. I dance with myself and with you. My dance is becoming my life...or probably, my life is becoming a dance now..

Sunday, September 03, 2006

my imaginary real world

I'm so glad to be back dear friends. My computer is back from the workshop after seven full days (it left last saturday) and I've been so restless and desperate being unable to express myself. I missed you all soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much.

So what have I been upto. I've purchased books. Lots of them. The kind of books that interest me and I love to read are:
A little princess, Pollyanna, Pollyanna grows up, Peter pan, The secret garden.

I just love love love reading these books. And I am becoming a child in that bargain. I mean it. I'm looking far more younger and I've become so cheerful and the way in which I see things are changing. I'm a Pollyanna, who (trys to) finds something to be glad about in everything that happens. I'm Sara, the little princess who drapes her lonely life with her wonderful, exquisite, rich, child-like innocent imaginations.

I'm begining to really live and love life, I feel. I am feeling the vaccum of a man but if, if I can imagine the worlds most beautiful man in body, mind and soul, the one who is totally in love with me and me with him - next to me here...when I want .. how wonderful is that...for I'm living my dreams.

I feel him everyday. I bathe with him. I lay my head on his chest. I feel his fingers run through my hair. I let him dress me up and undress me. I arrange his shirts in the closet. I cook food for him. I let him carry me around in his strong warm arms. I kiss him deeply on his soft sensual lips. I'm feeling totally utterly loved and cared for. What's real and what's imaginery? Who cares? It is real if we feel it isn't it? We don't need to insist we see it, do we? Again! I can see it through my mind's eye too if i want to. But I surely feel it.. feel him..in real...right here in my world.

I'm ungrowing, I'm unlearning, I'm crossing the rules of this dimension called physcial reality...I'm becoming a child. I am for joy's sake, bringing out that childlike innocence in me. It is filling my days with sunlight and my nights with moon beams and shining stars. And of course, fairies with frilly real rainbow tinted frocks and magic wands with real twinkling stars and angels with bright silver transperant wings are smiling with me through this.