Wednesday, August 23, 2006

answerless

Today I've been in a different mood, with similar patterns.

At work, the colleagues in my department are planning a picnic. Apparently, they decided the place, time and informed me when I arrived the next day. Normally, I would just smile and go along with it. This time I felt offended I was not asked nor was my convenience considered while planning the picnic. My colleagues are very friendly and I share a very good rapport with them. But they just handed me the paper and told me, if you can make it then you need to pay Rs 1000. I felt strange and out of sync with myself. I felt hurt and angry. I also did (do) not feel like joining them. I know they have no intentions to make me feel bad or hurt or uncomfortable. They probably don't even have the slightest idea that I'm having all these thoughts and feelings piling on me. But I cannot help it, I'm feeling all of this and the more they discuss about the picnic the more I feel it. I'm unable to pull myself in it and pretend all is fine and join them. And I'm also noticing that by not joining them and staying away from the picnic I'll probably miss a fun-day and may end up feeling miserable. This is bothering me.

To add to this, I had a similar experience today evening at the aikido class. Actually it was building up since the last few days. I am very excited about the practice and stuff but I've been noticing that noone really talks to me in the class. I wonder if they even notice me. Today another girl S came to class and everyone (all the guys - we;re just two girls) was talking to her. The American guy waved out to her specially when he was leaving. The other Indian guys were all around her talking and joking. The South African guy and she were having a good laugh. S is a very sweet and lovely girl. I like her so much. She is so cute that I cannot even feel jealous of her. At the same time, I couldnt help noticing that all the guys were so very comfortable with her. I just stood there among them so lost. I tried to pretend to smile and crack jokes, but it did not work and I looked more stupid than before. So I just stood there quietly, watching what is happenning, watching myself standing alone, watching that noone really wanted to tell me 'Goodbye' when the class got over, except S herself.

So I'm feeling not my usual self. I have been thinking about these two experiences since they happenned today afternoon and evening. I wonder if it is the attention (?) I'm wanting? Why am I uncomfortable when I'm alone or not talked to. Why do I feel ignored when this happens? Why do I go out of sync? Why do I (let myself)
feel bad when others are not pally with me?

I don't have any answers to these questions, right now. And any answer itself would be an objectively intelligent answer but I can't help it, I'm still feeling the left-out feeling in me. I don't want an intelligent answer from myself. Something like - "oh well, anu, you must not seek attention and approval...blah blah blah." Bullshit!!! But my telling that to myself does not help in any manner. I'm still feeling the feelings in me. I'll just be hiding them or pretending they do not exist for a while or sugar coating them with nice words and quotes. I don't want this. I want to understand subjectively...go to the core of the belief.

So I'm going to be answerless to myself here for a while till the answers automatically and naturally emerge from inside...instead of me putting words in my own mouth. I'm going to sit with this feeling, when it arises again. And I know it will...for right now, it does appear unresolved to me.

But this time, I'm going to be prepared with my arms and ammunitions waiting for it to emerge. So what are my weapons? Noticing, listening, understanding and reflecting of the communication my body and mind is giving me through this emotion. Right now, I'm doing just that.

I'm not running away, my dearest insecurities, fears, hopelessness, painfulness, frustrations, depressions, dissapointments (and all of you back-benchers whom I'm yet to name). I'm right here waiting with my tools for you. I'm not going to hit you or kill you either. I'll love you and you'll then disintegrate into me...a me which I am more comfortable with..a me which I'm in sync with...a me which I can understand. I'm just going to sit beside the anu who feels ignored and neglected in class next time and smile at her and watch her (even as another me is feeling what I'm feeling).

I'm not going to manipulate my anu. I'm going to let her be. She's a precious child of the universe. Let her take her time to grow. Such a beautiful journey this is. I want her to relish every morsel which she takes in..even though some may taste sour and some may burn the tongue. I won't push her, I won't ridicule her and I'm certainly not ashamed of her. I love her and I will get this message into every cell of her body, every drop of blood in her veins and arteries and every strand of hair on her head.

For now, I'm going to lie down quietly beside her and let her go berserk with her thoughts. Let her experiment and explore...and yet know that, I'm here for her...always. To love her, to kiss her, to hug her and to keep her safe in my heart.

today

Today I am anticipating a long delightful day. I have woken up really early and it is about 5:30 am here. I have an aikido class at 6:45 am. From there I'll be reaching work early say by 8:30 am. I'm carrying my breakfast with me so that I can have it at work. I'm going to release the report of a particular department today. My day is going to be really long, as I will leave home by 6:15 am and return only by about 8:00 pm. I'm going to look for sunshine wherever I go and be glad that it brightens up my day.

Right now, I'm glad to be sipping a hot cup of tea which is refreshing me. I am at loss for words. I dont know what to write today. And I've not written since long. One of those strange periods, I guess.

My hot water is waiting for me and hopefully the rick guy will turn up to pick me up for class. I'm looking forward to the morning class, it is going to be so wonderful doing a work-out early morning. It is time to go.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Pollyanna's glad game :)

I went to the mall on Sunday to buy a lipstick (my lipstick got over). And I don't stock my closet with tons of it. Just one or two and when they get over, I go and buy another one.

When I'm in the mall, I always visit the bookstore. And I always go straight to the children's section as I love fairy tales and all children's books and novels. I picked up an amazing book - Pollyanna - this is the story of an orphaned little girl who moves in with her maiden aunt and transforms the lives of everyone she meets with her optimism. Pollyanna uses the "glad game" her father taught her to appreciate what she has.

I've barely read three chapters and I can't wait to snuggle into bed and read more. The glad game started when Pollyanna was very small and wanted a doll. But instead the Ladies Aid group gave her a pair of crutches. Her father told her that there is always something to feel glad about in everything that happens. As far as the crutches are concerned, he said: be glad that you never have to use them (big wide grin).

So today whole day, I played the glad game. In the afternoon I confess I cribbed a bit to my colleauge but other than that the whole day I was glad glad glad. Everything was working fine and was just perfect.

I even did a voice over. A friend (guy) from the Promo Department came up to me and said he needs me to do the voice-over for a Kids festival. LOL! I couldnt help laughing. So I went and gave my voice. I spoke just normally but I sound so much like a sweet little kid. I can't help smiling at myself.

Now everyday I'm going to play the glad game. I'll find something to appreciate always no matter what happens. Life IS beautiful..i just have to open my eyes..

automatic triggers

Today is the 18th day of breathing consciously every day in the morning. I wake up at 6 am every day and just sit and breathe. I feel so calm and composed and so fulfilled when I've done this. Now somewhere during the day, barely in about an hour I lose my cool and I dont even know what I'm doing. I'm going about my daily activites in a mechanical manner. I've triggerred my automatic responses of - happy, sad, angry.

The slightest word said by someone can bring me to tears. Just yesterday at the hospital, I arrived early. All the patients have to queue up for the beds. Sometimes it may take more than an hour and half to merely get a bed. The dialysis then takes about five hours. So that makes it about 6-7 hours minimum at the hospital. Yesterday, I was the first patient and yet the technician did not give me the first bed which was available. Apparently, he had been treating another patient regularly so when they arrived after me, he gave them the bed. I felt so bad and angry at this, that I was in tears. And I went to sleep at dialysis too in tears.

When I woke up, I was far more refreshed but I was so angry at that guy for doing this. A small incident is enough to take away my peace of mind. Later I was thinking, is it worth it, to save a hour or two, to bring this stress to my body and mind. Certainly not! But I'm conditioned to feel bad, sad, mad when certain things happen. I don't know how to not feel what I'm feeling. But I know this that I am sure that nothing is worth boiling my blood or losing the smile of my face. Absolutely nothing!

I look at children, plants and animals everyday in awe. So unperterbed, so unassuming and so very focussed they are in their happiness. You cannot make a child unhappy unless you beat it or pinch the little one. It requires nothing to be in a happy state of mind. A child is also very observant, it looks, observes and if it does not like you, it won't let you carry it. It knows what it wants and what it does not want. The child lives in the world inside.

Where is that child in me? She is struggling to come out. I'm begining to feel her presence so softly and gently. I don't have any answers for any questions. I'm myself so fucked up. But I seek answers from...myself. I've stopped looking upto others for answers for my questions.

If I'm no more tommorrow, I'll be glad that I dared to ask myself a few questions at least. Though I'm really not sure of any of answers.

Today I'm going to remind myself that no one, absolutley noone can take away a piece of my mind and no one can rob my peace of mind too. If it is, it is upto me, to cherish it..treasure it. That is all I have and probably, that is all I need!

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Independence Day

2 A.M.
15th August
wide awake and listening to
Independence Day
songs on
radio

a deep kiss on
those beautiful
lips which utter
my beloved
country's
name

(I've taken off the picture of my country's flag which I had here as a mark of respect)

Monday, August 14, 2006

the leaf

Talking about leaves. Yesterday I was watching the animated cartoon story of "The Indian King - Siddhartha (Buddha)" on Channel Cartoon Network and in that I saw a scene which so naturally made me smile and put me at peace.

So the Buddha after receiving englightenment was walking in the forest and suddenly he felt the wind blow so softly on his face. He stood there silently and looked up and saw leaves and flowers floating in the air and falling on to the ground.

His lovely beautiful eyes kept staring in awe at the grace and the lightness with which the flowers and leaves were letting go.

And he stood there beneath that tree with his palms extended and one such leaf flew into his hands and then the wind whisked it away, even as he still stood there, with his palms extended feeling the momentary delicateness of the tiny leaf.

The leaf flew in the air and landed so gently on the Buddha's feet.

All of this happenned in the movie in a matter of seconds. But it left a profound impact on me and filled my little heart with sheer joy and bliss.

I like leaves more than diamonds and pearls. Maybe because I feel they communicate with me. I stare at leaves all the time when I'm travelling wondering at their different shapes and colors and feeling their freshness. I love the forest green outfits they wear and how they change their clothes from green to pink to yellow. I feel I'm falling in love with them.

to be as light as the leaf
so as to float in the air
to be as joyful as the leaf
so as to laugh even when falling
to be as smart as the leaf
which knows where to land,
yet confuses the seer
to allow oneself to get muddy like the leaft
rusting that the universe will bathe it clean
to be able to let go like the leaf
the very tree which gave it birth
as it merges with the earth
embracing new beginings
with love and passion.

Friday, August 11, 2006

the misunderstanding

I sorted out a misunderstanding between my boss and me. Boss was upset that we had given a deadline to the CFO without informing him, though very much in his presence. So I went to boss and clarified to him that neither me nor my colleague had any intentions to superseed the authority and not keep him in the loop. It just happenned during the course of the discussion, CFO asked us when we will complete the ERM exercise for the departments we were working on and we told him. I explained this to boss. Infact I started my discussion with him with these words, "Mr XX are you angry with us?" and he was deeply touched.

I did this not because I am keen on having a smooth professional career. I did this more because I don't want anything to disturb my peace of mind. I've learnt that when we express our deepest feelings, even though we may stammer or maybe unable to find the right words, it always pays. It pays to be real and authentic. To say what I mean and mean what I say.

I don't have two faces - one in personal life and another in professional life. I smile the same smile at the CEO of my company and also at Vikas, the house-keeping boy who files papers in my department. I am the same anu at work as I am here. I am as playful, cheerful, filled with laughter at work as I am among friends. I can be as focussed and creative and nothing may disturb or distract me when I'm into my work. I cannot and do not divide my life into parts and play roles.

I'm learning the power of acceptance of myself and my feelings. Afterall, isn't that all what I have! When I die, all I'll leave with is my 'self'. I'm not running after anyone or anything else...name, power, office-politics, glory, money, fame...all will and has to follow when I'm connected with my innerself. And even if it does not, so what? I'll be left with 'just me' in the end and what else do I need? My only responsibility in my life is to be myself. Understand more and more about me and be more and more of mySELF.

When I am myself, I can never go wrong...because afterall I'm being just me.

Friday, August 04, 2006

life

What is more lovelier than starting my morning breathing? Breath is life. Oxygen is what gives us life. Yet how many times do I consciously breathe. I'm not even aware I'm breathing unless I am breathless. How amazing that something so transient, so transparent, so invisible to the naked eye actually gives me life.

All throughout the day, I'm running after things, events and people. The moment I sit in my rick and I am communiting, I start day-dreaming and fantasising. I'm don't know I'm breathing yet I am. Something so real and so precious as the breath surely deserves more attention than this!

The saints and prophets in India place tremendous emphasis on the breath. They talk about deep breathing through the lungs. Sit silently and breathe and you shall be. We feel we have to do something special, real and specific, chart a path to meet our goal (whatever it is). We put in tremendous effort for everything we desire.

Now I'm thinking, my existence is because I'm alive - I'm alive because I can breathe. And my breathing is so effortless. So easy. I don't sit here thinking I've to breathe (unless of course I get those palpitations which apparently happenned for the first time in my life). Yet I'm alive, the cells in my body are alive, the atoms and molecules dance to the breath every moment. So I'm feeling my very existence in this world is effortless, I don't have to make effort to live. I live naturally. I wake up every morning naturally and go to sleep every night naturally.

Then in that case, something about me putting in tremendous effort to fulfill my desires and wishes seems confusing to me. Something is amiss here. I must not need to put this effort, this desperation and restlessness to fulfill my desires (whatever they be). When I do things out of joy and enthusiasm, with a sparkle of spontaineity and excitement, with the curiosity of a child, I automatically attract the wondrous things I desire and effortlessly fulfill them.

When the very state of being alive
is so natural and effortless,
nothing else matters than life, isn't it?
then why this lack of importance to living
and focus on so many other things?
do they really matter?
as much as taking in free oxygen
and breathing out carbon dioxdie..

probably,
the trees, the animals
and the green grass, the mud
the speck of dust, the grain of sand
the little hair folickle, the drop of rain,
even the cow dung and the rose petal on it
knows this already, but I'm noticing it only now

I feel that is the secret of their joy and freshness
they are truely alive, hot and happeninng
they are breathing and focussed on the world inside
I have been staring at them for days and months now

feeling their energy in every cell of my body
they suck away my insecurities and pains and hurts
frustrations and dissapointments and agonies

but they are not staring at me,
they just wave out to me, dance when I arrive
and go right back into their center
Now I look at them in awe and admiration
only to see them, looking into themselves
for they know that ---
the world outside is formed from the world inside
and not the other way around!

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

2 bananas and water

  • I woke up at 6 am in the morning and did pranayam (breathing exercises) till 8 am. I felt so good connecting with myself. I felt fresh like a rose bud.
  • I took bath with a new soap. This one is called 'mysore rose sandalwood' soap. It is like a huge round cricket ball and rose coloured. I love new soaps, I feel like I'm unwrapping a gift.
  • I love having a bath, nothing feels good other than having a hot water bath when it is raining heavily.
  • On my way to work, today I did not listen to the radio. For today I'd decided I'm going to just sit beside myself and listen to me. So as I rode to work, I listened to my own deep inner feelings and felt my emotions. I went inside me and saw myself. How I looked inside, I felt myself by touching myself and smelt my own skin's sweet fragrance. I did this all throughout my way to work even as I looked outside, I was focussed inside of me.
  • At work today, I observed myself (whenevever I remembered) and I caught myself critisicing and manipulating situations and people. I let myself do what I want to. No forcing and no pushing. And let myself be the observer and the observed both at the same time. This I've realised is making me amazingly aware of myself. Making me aware of my beliefs.
  • Tonight my dinner has been two steamed bananas and water. Appreciate myself for eating healthy.
  • I've spread my blanket and bedsheets and will roll off to a peaceful night's sleep now.