Sunday, July 30, 2006

what to write?

This weekend I took a turmeric oil bath at home. My grandmom used to give us this bath when we were little children. Turmeric is an antiseptic and great for healing and relaxing the body. Further, it also helps to remove any scars or black marks on the skin, including the tan. Infact, immediately after the bath, you may end up glowing yellow. Once a while I like to pamper myself with these home-made remedies. It makes me feel good when I take care of my body. The oil makes me soft brown skin smoother and nourishes my skin. I am feeling lovely after this bath.

I spent some quite time looking at the green garden outside my home. I'm fascinated and in love with the colour: forest green. The other day as I was passing through the hill, I got caught up in a traffic jam (due to a vehicle breakdown) so I took a different route through the forest and oh my goodness, what beauty, what exquisite grace, what unbelievable freshness I felt as I passed through the woods. All my negativity was sucked away by the trees and the leaves. I thought, I dare not blink for what if I miss out something! Something about the colour green of the leaves and the forests, it totally captivates me and mesmerises me. I feel hypnotised and as I if energy is flowing from them into me. I want to jump out of my rick, fuck work and run into the forests and lie down on the grass and lean on the rice fields. I've a feeling, soon I'll be talking and listening to the trees and leaves. For I can so feel their presence and energies.

I really don't know what to write my friends. I don't have anything or anyone happenning in my life. I work from 9 am to 7pm on weekdays. I go for dialysis at nights on two weekdays. I go for my martial arts class on three days of the week. I visit my grandmom every Saturday. I write a poem or two and a few posts. I do a little breathing and a little reading. That's all my life is all about, right now.

No exciting late night parties, no amazing guys and gals, but I've a grandmom whom I'm crazy about. I can still practise martial arts and I'm doing the backward and side rolls well now. I'm listening to Pretty Woman on radio right now. I may pick up some nice clothes in the coming few weeks. I may go dancing or learning guitar in the coming weeks. I may ask that ninja teacher to teach me ninjitsu.

So I can write about all my dreams, things I want to do and be, my fantasies (sexual and otherwise). I can write about my lonely nights and the bird's flight. The shining sun and the shine in my eyes. I can tell you about the little flowers which are growing near the gutter happily, gracefully with joy. I can tell you how I marvel their beauty, the inner strength and their smile through the storms and the sorching heat. I can tell you how many stars shine in my sky. I can tell you that I saw a moon tonight through the dense leaves. I can tell you how I love the rains and how much I love getting wet. I can tell you how much I hug myself and put myself to sleep. I can tell you how I always wake up with a smile. I can tell you how lovely I looked each day.

Now, don't I have sooooooooooooooooooo many things to write about friends?

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

I look lovely

  • I looked lovely today at work and got many compliments on my new hair cut. I used to tie a pony tail earlier as my hair was too long to leave it open. One girl even told me it has given me a complete make-over. So I'm extremely happy with my new look.
  • I've been working very hard in Dept S2 and have come up with some excellent observations. Hopefully by mid-next week, I should be rolling out that document. I love the work I'm doing.
  • My boss is now-a-days not in a good mood as he feels he is not getting the recognition he deserves despite the fact that our project has taken off so well. I feel his depressed and frustrated energy when I meet him. When I inform him the positive feedback of the various departments, he says: "What am I going to get out of this?" I feel his negativity. But I'm recognising it and I'll work on it so that I'm not affected by him. And somewhere I'm glad I'm not thinking like him.
  • I share all the knowledge I know with my colleague and impart training and learning skills to him so that he can do the job as perfectly as I do it. Initially I was insecure becoz I have learnt it the hard way and I'd noone to train me. But I let that go and kept doing what I thought I should rightfully do, which is tell him or anyone working with me all that I know. I appreciate myself so much for this. My achievements, my accomplishments, my successes, my victories have nothing to do with anyone else. They are all based on my own energies and vibrations. There is so much in this infinite universe, unlimited resources, for all of us. The only limitation is our imagination. If only we can stretch that to encompass everyone and eveything in it..even the most remotest and unbelievable possibilities are attainable, if we can imagine it, we can be it. I don't need to hide, hoard or manipulate knowledge or information for that. The more I give, I'm opening myself to the gifts of the universe, I'm allowing myself to recieve all the gifts, even the biggest, brightest and most vibrant ones...even the ones which I'm right now unable to concieve and imagine are right on their way to me...all I need to do is open my soulful eyes and see them, open my heart to be able to recieve them and extend my arms full of love to embrace them.
  • My computer has hundreds of problems right now. Today I got my speakers (which had no sound since last 15 days) repaired. I can now see movies and listen to songs on my comp. How wonderful is that!
  • For the very first time, a martial arts teacher (this sensie teaches stick fighting and kick boxing) has invited me to visit his class. The place where he teaches is far away from my workplace so I've told one of his students I may not be able to join. But nevertheless, I've come a long way from where I used to go from dojo to dojo and beg them to take me to now when very skilled teachers are inviting me to at least view their class..all this knowing about my present health condition. I feel this teacher wants to see me and meet me. So this friday I'll go and meet him and watch a session.
  • My hot water bath after work made me feel so good. I didnt feel like leaving the bathroom.
  • I'm unable to reply to the comments right now (due to reasons I cannot comprehend) but I appreciate I can at least post new posts. If I face the same problem tomm, then I'll make a post of my comments and reply to them.
  • I've had a great day just as I anticipated. I'm really thankful to myself for it. I look forward to tommorrow's day. I love that I'm so alive and enthusiastic. It's time to kiss myself to sleep. Goodnight sweeties.

appreciations of the day

Things I appreciate about yesterday:

  • I have trimmed my hair. Actually cut it by about 4 inches. Now I can leave it open. It looks lovely. So that felt really really good. Especially since I don't blow dry my hair or use any straitners on it. Just wash, shampoo and conditioner and there my hair bounces away beautifully. About a year and half ago, my hair used to be really frizzy and I tried putting all kinds of straitners on it and nothing worked. Now suddenly since last few months, the frizziness has just gone away and the hair has become straight on its own. This to me sounds like a miracle. But I should learn to get used to them in my life now ;) I appreciate that I have lovely hair.
  • A particular department head and his people were raving about the models I've prepared at work and the kind of output I'm delivering. The department head even said that I should probably open my own consultancy as I'm brilliant at what I do. That was certainly nice to hear.
  • I saw 'S' guy when I was descending the stairs. I asked him, "So, how are you?" He replied "Oh, Bad without you". Somehow these words did not have the impact it had earlier on me. I smiled and told him, "Again?" and just walked away. I'm glad I'm now calm and happy about myself and at peace with me.
  • My colleage and I made plans and deadlines. He is very cooperative and works hard. We both during coffee time, set targets on how we are going to achieve the deadlines. I appreciate that between the two of us, in our two member team, there is team-work, cooperation and understanding.
  • Sometime during my work-day, I go to the office gym. We have a treadmill, a carom board and a table tenis court there. I ensure that at least for 15 mts a day I play TT and enjoy myself. Today my colleague was unable to join me. I went to the gym alone and asked the helper boy who sits there, if he would play with me. He and I played TT till some other guy joined us. In short I had a great time. I'm glad that I did not wait there feeling bad that I had no company and just went and did what I want. These little things which I am doing and the way I'm perceiving things is very important. They shape my beliefs and my reality.
  • I had an amazing martial arts session and I have improved in doing the rolls. And the guys who have been teaching me were proud of the improvement too.
  • Nothing like a hot water bath at 10:30 pm (thats when I returned home yesterday) after a long day at work and then a great aikido session.
  • Peaceful deep sleep with dreams. I dream everyday. They are weird dreams but I dream for sure and I remember quite a bit of it too.

Time for me to run to bath and get started as a new day has arrived here. New dreams and thousands of possibilities await me today. I'm going to try and appreciate everything and every moment of the day. I'm going be aware of the times i discount myself or others during the day. I don't remember a single day when all I did was appreciate myself and all around me.

Today will be different though. Today is my day of appreciating everything about me and my life and others. My conversations are going to be out of joy. My mind is going to be in bliss. I'm going to have a full day of focus, love and enjoyment. I'm going to try not to discount myself at least for a single day! I'll let you know the progress tommorrow.

For now my red bucket of hot water is calling me. It wants to touch my soft brown skin desperately. I'll see you all today evening and I'll reply to the comments too then. I'vent had much time yesterday as I arrived late from work.

Monday, July 24, 2006


Yesterday night till today early morning hours, have been very trying for me. I went to sleep normally and perfectly well at around 12 am. Barely by 1:30 am, I was woken up by severe palpitations. I felt shortness of breath. I've never ever in my entire life had these breathlessness problems, so but naturally, I was scared. I sat up immediately and realised that I was feeling like I'm heading towards being chocked. I just could not breathe properly. The breath which normally flows so effortlessly that we don't even know that we're breathing, was taking so much effort on my part now. I could feel my heart pounding so fast, I thought my heart would fall out.

I started taking long breathes and saying to myself 'I love you'. I wanted to convey to my body and mind that whatever they choose to do, I'm with them. Even though I was terribly scared and totally alone. I tossed and turned in my bed. Tried different positions. By now I could feel some sounds from where my right kidney was located in my body. I did not know, if this was for the better or for worse. I felt like my right kidney was moving or something the moment it would touch the bed. I got further nervous and just got up.

I went to the other room, I saw my sister was reading magazines. I asked her if she will sleep with me as I was feeling unwell and scared. She said that you'll be fine and went to the loo. I didn't feel like waking up anyone else at home (i.e. my parents) for I know though they love me, they will be more tensed and panicy and that will work me up more. I needed someone right now, who will make me feel relaxed and help me to trust myself so that I can wade through this phase easily. Not someone who will become hyper and have a helpless look on their face and everytime I look into their eyes, I see fear and total helplessness as I was going to die.

I went back to my room and sat near the window looking out into the darkness. I started taking long breaths even as I found that extremely difficult. I took air and exhaled it out. The moment I would stop, I felt like someone was strangling my neck and I'm getting chocked. I felt like I'd die if I stop. I continued this. Sitting in the dark, I was so scared, that I couldnt even cry. I wanted to call up someone and tell them what was happenning with me. Not just anyone. Someone who I trusted will help me to focus on myself and not get all jitterry and nervous. I realised, there was no such person in this entire world, who I was comfortable calling at 3 am in the morning to merely express what I was feeling. Forget about being hugged and kissed, near and far there was noone, absolutely noone I felt comfortable calling. Infact, I felt I dare not call or tell anyone, all I could envisage them telling me is rush to the hospital. But the point was, If I myself did not know what was happenning in me and I could barely describe my feelings, how will the doctors know. I don't want to end up hospitalised with IVs in my arms and they taking all possible blood tests and everyone assuming I may have this problem. I dont feel comfortable about all this.

Then as I sat there lonely and tired of trying to breathe, I felt if there is anyone I might call, It may be my ex. I could still call him, after all what happenned between us. Knowing that he wants to be friends with me and I'm still recovering from our break-up and hence kind of distant and cold. I felt in the middle of the night, maybe, just maybe, I could call him. Just to tell him what was happenning in me. Just to talk a bit and to express a little. But again, It has taken me so much time and effort to get out of the pain-pangs of that relationship and I did not want to feel dependant on him again or encourage him. So I thought of this and let the thought pass. Just letting the feeling sink in.

And suddenly in the pitch darkness, where there was no movement and pin drop silence, I saw a few leaves dance for moments. I felt so glad that the leaves woke up for me. They probably wanted to tell me that I'm not alone. They are with me and they are watching me, sending me their energy, the vitality, the freshness of the forest green color. This happenned twice. I felt better knowing that I'm not alone. I don't need to request the leaves and trees to sit beside me and listen to me. They are my best friends. They are so aware of me. They love me so much.

I slowly tried to lay down and go to sleep. It was extremely difficult. I think I fell asleep taking long breaths and telling myself that I'm there for me and I love me. Only to wake up suddenly at around 6 am with the same feelings of palpitations and this time with a splitting headache and terrible cough like someone was chocking me again. Unable to bear this pain and discomfort, I wrote a poem and posted it. I felt like I was expressing to the world at large and boy! that made me feel a little better. I could barely sit as I was typing the poem, I felt my head was being pounded by thousands of iron rods. My eyes were closing and my palpitations were increasing. I just posted it and fell back on my bed. And tried hard to sleep, stroking my own hair and telling myself that I love me too much to let myself alone.

The very feelings of being chocked which I was afraid to face. I let myself feel it. I stopped taking long deep breaths and let myself feel the short breaths, even the feeling of being chocked. I let myself feel the loneliness and the feeling of being alone. I just gave in to those feelings, without trying to fight them or resist them. Something wonderful happenned then. I was not feeling like I'm going to die anymore. I started feeling just a little bit easy. I felt the terribly fast heart beats but my heart did not fall out. The short breaths did not strangle me. The splitting headache did not burst my head into a thousand pieces. I felt slightly easy and drifted off to sleep.

I woke up feeling much better. I woke up knowing that there is noone for me. I know I cried thinking about it. I know the numerous times I hug the pillow and wet it with my tears. Inspite and despite of all of this, I feel a little stronger than before. I feel like I've tried facing the fear of sitting with noone but me. I can now trust myself just a bit more than before. I am just a little less dependent for anyone than before. I'm just a little more confident than before. Maybe I'm just a little more conscious of my own equal to a grain of sand...that's all, but that itself makes me feel a little different. I'm changing again.

Maybe that is why I was short of breath. Maybe that is why all this happenned. To tell me that I'm born free. I don't need to feel rejected or abandoned. And even if I do feel it, its just OK. It won't kill me. Feeling my feelings, no matter what they are, can never cause me harm. My feelings are communications to me. My body is my instrument helping me and aiding me in my journey. They are because of me and for me.

So that's my little story of the day. The sky is still blue here, I know the leaves and trees are proud of me. I can feel the slight breeze kissing my cheeks and the naughty wind romancing with my hair. Life is still beautiful!

Sunday, July 23, 2006

clearing my blurred vision

Now-a-days, there are just the three or four of us for aikido practice. Sensei has gone on vacation to California. I'm finding these sessions incredibely useful for, presently, I'm the only person not doing the rolls well and the two senior guys spend most of their time trying to observe the manner in which I do it incorrectly so that they can offer me tips to do it correctly. They told me that as they observe me, they are doing better rolls because the start thinking and inventing new and easier methods to kiss the mat and rise up again.

Something so special about intense physical exercise, martial arts, it triggers me and makes me come alive. I simply love it. I'm so glad that I have martial arts in my life. So we have these wonderful practice sessions, me and two guys. What's so lovely about it is, we are all young, we don't have a teacher (right now) to monitor us, and we're indulging in physical sport. We touch each other all the time. Grab each other. The guys have drawn lines (invisible lines with fingers) on my back so many times to tell me how to roll rightly. We talk all the while about the butt and the shoulders and the back. We're forever on alert and observant of each other during the session.

And we are all just like three girls or three guys together. No misbehaving. No making fun of each other. No ego tustle. No insecurity. No need in us to prove we are better than the rest. Just plain pure practice. Plain joy. We laugh and crack jokes . And yet we are totally serious about our sessions. Like three children climbing the mountain, helping each other, celebrating each other's strengths and working on each other's weaknesses. The energy is so happy, so pure, so lovely. It feels so wonderful to be there. I'm so comfortable and so is everyone else.

In the corner of the class, is a long curtain. We change our dress behind it. After class, the girls, if there are any (presently I'm the only girl still coming to the dojo. We have two more girls but they don't come now-a-days) go to change their clothes first and then the guys.

I love the feeling of being able to do what I love and have such an lovely ambience to do it. These are the incredible joys of my life. They astound me that I can have so much happiness and such interesting people around me. I am consciously recognising these blessings. There are so many more, in my life, I'm clearing my blurred vision so that I can notice them, acknowledge them and appreciate them.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

a moment of now

So I'm back in action. Yipeeeeeee. :)

So what have I been upto, lately?

My desperation levels for a guy in my life are reducing and boy! I'm so glad about it. Something about this feeling of craving which is not very enjoyable...I think I stop living and only crave and that leads to a feeling of great 'LACK' and I don't enjoy the feeling of lack. It is a very strange feeling indeed! One feels deprived..of love, lust, affection, money, abundance, could be anything. It gives rise to a strange feeling of powerlessness. This leads to self pity and a feeling of being a victim. And though I do have each one of these aspects in me, they don't dominate me as much as they used to in the past. I'm glad for that.

For when I don't feel the lack, in any manner, I feel complete. There are for sure, a few fleeting moments in my day, when I feel this completeness. A perfect harmony with myself. When I just adore myself and love everyone and everything around me. Maybe this moment lasts merely for a nanosecond. But, I'm delighted that I'm begining to notice it.

So now-a-days, I'm living more in the NOW. In the pure now. In the vibrant now. In the joyful now. In the spontaneous now. Where I'm not waiting endlessly to fall in love or dying for anyone's look or feel, I'm feeling just good about myself and my day goes with all the numerous tasks and things I've lined up for me.

I also know that it does to take time for me to get into the craving mood again. Probably it requires that guy S (on whom i 'had' a crush) to give me another look and say something sweet and I'll be falling all over him once again. But yet I know that there are these in between moments, when I'm in and out of my own make-believe worlds, when I'm happy being just the way I am. I so appreciate these moments. May these moments last for ever and ever in my life.

This moment is nothing but abundance. Funny thing about abundance is that we dont need our pockets full of money or all the power in the world or beauty or name or fame or all the women or men to make us feel full. Abundance works in the most amazing ways. It can make you feel joyful to the brim, overflowing with happiness, sparkle your eyes with light, fill your hearts with love...even as it fills your pockets with air! I think it just raises you above all of this for a moment, and you stand there watching all the people around you...and you know, you don't have it all, you may never have it all, and yet you don't feel resentment towards those who have it, you just smile to yourself and walk away...for somewhere and somehow,
you feel complete
your pockets are full of air..and complete!

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

reply to comments

Sweet Butterfly, I loved visiting your is all so pink and dreamy like a strawberry cake. How i miss reading about you, the German and SP. How are things at your end, butterfly? I do hope your German is holding you close, hugging you tight and kissing you deeply on your lips. Thank you for your love and prayers, they'll keep me safe and secure admist a thousand blasts and illnesses :)

I won't be able to comment on your blog till blogger solves this problem, my apologies for that. But i'll keep posting here and I'm so glad i can read your comments through my email and now, I'll preserve your email address too. Sleep well and sweet dreams tonight :)

Monday, July 17, 2006

unable to see any blog

Hi Friends, i can only post. I cannot see my own pages and i cannot see any of your pages too.I can read your comments as they come into my email. But i cannot reply to them as i cannot access my homepage. I dont know what to do now.

So please bear with me and hopefully this problem will be sorted out on its own.

ERRORThe requested URL could not be retrievedWhile trying to retrieve the URL:

The following error was encountered:Connection Failed

This is the error i'm getting, on every blog which i access. I miss tasting a slice of your life from your blog.
I tried accessing my blog and other blogs from work, but i get the same error. So now i know, it is not something to do with my computer or server blocking pages. But i'm going to keep posting, even if i cannot read!

Kisses n Hugs to you

Sunday, July 09, 2006

weekend specials

I’m going to get out from home every weekend to just feel the breeze and the air and its softness on my face.

This weekend I caught up with my friend N, we met on Saturday in one of the nice places in the city, where I plan to buy my home. Buying an apartment in this place is really expensive but it has so many trees and it is so cool and there are flowers and butterflies too. I love this entire ambience. So I’m not going to settle for anything less.

N is a lovely girl, now separated (not legally though) living on her own working in a Bank. We used to work together till four months ago, when she switched jobs. We love each other’s company. Since she changed jobs, we haven’t met and she has been missing me a lot too.

Fun things I did this weekend: (I hope to post something like this every weekend)

  1. I met N, after a four months on Saturday and I loved every moment with her.
  2. I ate corn and crep pancakes in an amazing resturant and they were lovely.
  3. I enjoyed the cool breeze near the sea.
  4. I had great laughter session with N. We were walking like drunken girls as we told each other our (love) stories, our silly stories, our dumb stories, our dreams, our fantasies and leched at every good-looking guy.
  5. I had lovely Italian icecream – guava flavour.
  6. On Sunday I went for a head massage in an amazing place and it wasn’t even expensive. Those tingling sensations going all over me as that guy massaged my hair (which is long and flowing and looks so lovely) was making me smile so much and guys on either side, especially that foreigner kept staring at me. But when I would look at them, they would abruptly turn their eyes away. Anyways, I just closed my eyes and felt every single feeling and enjoyed myself.
  7. Riots broke out in Bombay today and N got all hyper as to what to do and where to go. I was so cool and these things like fire, riots, terrorism etc do not scare me or make me nervous at all. I told her the hospital where I take dialysis is just about 10 mts away from the parlour. I know people over there, the hospital is almost like a five-star hotel, there is a restaurant, we can go to the dialysis ward - I have friends there, the security guys know me well so they wont question – in short I assured her that we’ll be safe. So we went to my hospital and had a great lunch there.
  8. Since we had no idea if the riots would stop, I used my visiting card to make a reservation for a single room with a double occupancy in one of the 3-star hotels nearby the hospital.
    Later in the evening things were fine and N went home and I went to the sea-side. I sat there on the wall looking at the waves and the sun and feeling the cool breeze rocking me. I felt so beautiful. Everyone there was a couple or in a group and they kept staring at me. This was so distracting.

    But nature did not stare at me. The waves were so comfortable with me being alone. The clouds drifted happily making designs in the sky to entertain me. The sun was playing hide-n-seek with me. The cool breeze was romancing with my hair and slapping my face with its kisses. I had all romance I wanted in that one hour near the ocean.

That’s all what is needed to make me enthusiastic about life and about me. Give me a wave, a sun peeking out of the clouds, a laughing flower, a dancing blade of grass and I’m fulfilled. Sometimes I don’t open my eyes to see this beauty. And sometimes, I do, like today..

Thursday, July 06, 2006


It has been raining very heavily here and i've already missed two days work. I'm so eager to get back to work. To do something with my time and life. Something which thrills me and excites me. I've managed to bring that intensity and creativity in my work. I've also managed to create a decent harmonious atmosphere to work in, without much bugging from my bosses. Those days of mental abuse at work are out of my records now. I now want to proceed to ease my life a bit and ease my timings and yet have a constant good flow of income. I am really appreciate of this change. It means a lot to me as i am a creator and my workplace is where i unleash one of my aspects.

The next thing i've really wanted in life is to get rid of the pain i've had in my earlier relationship. There was a time, quite recently, about three-four months ago, when i was sick in pain resulting from a of a series of mis-understandings, mis-givings, mis-quotings, bitterness, bitching in my relationship. So much so that i thought i'll die without him and i'll die because of this pain. I used to call up my ex desperate to just listen to his voice and beg him to take me back in his life. I just could not handle it. I have spent endless nights crying begging for some relief from the break-up. In that process, i started this blog of appreciating myself. To start loving myself. I started saying 'I love me'. I started noticing to appreciate myself and all the little things around me which give me joy. I've come a long way today, my ex called me up yesterday and i can now talk to him 'normally' and not feel the pining and the desperation and the restlessness to be a part of his world. Infact, he made an offer that i may want to work with him, but i did not take it up as i have already too much on my plate. I am begining to now understand, what it means to 'love yourself'. Just a little bit of understanding of myself equal to a grain of sand, can make such a huge difference in my life is so mind-blowing. Probably, this is what they call as a 'sense of self'. And i've just had a taste of what it means to have faith and conviction in oneself and it has already astounded me with its results. I am very appreciative of my own growth and the little peace of mind i've developed in and around me.

Next, I want to cure my kidneys. I dont know how. But i'm going to figure it all out. If i can come this far, there is no reason why i cannot go any further. If we create our own world we can also uncreate it. And i am going to do this with the power of 'love'. This is what i want now. I want to cure myself and heal myself. I dont want to be an inspiration to anyone through my ability to handle my illness. I want to inspire myself through health, abundance, beauty and prosperity. Simply because i deserve it as much as anyone else. I am not going to go through endless ordeals and wars to gain back my kingdom of heath. I'm going to do it with effortless ease. Just as it happenned out of the blue, its going to dissapear and disintegrate into thin air. I will do it by saying these three words: "I love you" to myself. I'll say this to myself, again and again, till it reaches every cell of my body and mixes with every drop of my blood and is a part of every hair follicle in my skin. I appreciate that i have this opportunity to turn things around and the urge to take up this challenge with a smile and work with it. My body is not my enemy. It is my alley. It is for me and not against me. It loves me more than anyone else and it will respond to me. And i'm jst going to believe in it.... in me.

Now, its still raining so heavily, but i'm an explorer and i'm going to still try getting to work. Not becoz i want to be heroic but becoz i just want to start working. I want to do something creative in that area. And when i want something, it will be ifs and buts! All i need to do is, ask with myself!

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

remove thy mask

All the kings horses and all the kings men,
could not provide Ms Anu B with a perfect solution..

Hold on, i am removing my mask!

Now we may speak. I had a secret craving, my whole life, that i will meet the most gorgeous man on earth and he will fall for me deeply and we will be living happily ever after in our palace. Okay, that 'had' may be 'still have'. In my earlier relationship too, this was my only focus. So with the S guy too, this is precisely the problem.
The sheer insecurity. No matter what i write in my poems, i know it still lurks below underneath.

I barely know this guy and i've hardly exchanged a hello with him and i'm already upset that he invited another girl to the disc. I'm upset imagining the probability of him 'cheating' on me, when i dont even know him and neither does he know me. Oh boy, give me a break from myself!!

The problem here is not 'him'. The problem is not even 'me'. The problem is that 'there is NO problem' and i'm bent upon creating one, it appears to me.

Do you see, how our own fears and insecurities, cloud our eyes? There is nothing to be done here or thought of, except that i need to be honest with my own feelings. The only way i can neutralize a belief is by recognising it and admitting it, to begin with.

I will try and be as honest i can with myself. That is all is required of me. I'll keep admitting and opening my hidden box of fears, hurts, insecurities, again and again till i know each one of them by their first name.

Right now my biggest fear is: what if he makes fun of me and plays with me and dumps me..?
and second is: what if he is not the right man for me?

Okay, there, i've said it. I know you two now. I dont have any answers to these questions. I have removed my mask and i dont even want to pretend i have any answers by writing any cool things.

I'll just make one promise to myself that i'll want to be honest with myself and make a 'choice' each moment and live in each moment. And we'll see where we go from there.

I'll simply do what i feel like. What my heart says. What my inner self says to me.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

new developments

At work i was trying to be totally focussed and reminding myself to just stay in the now and not think of the 'surprise guy'. Early morning, i decided to do some reading and was just collecting my papers to go to the coffee room at work. And guess what is see? That guy, lets call him "S", the surprise guy, walked past through a paralled line of cubicles from where i was seated. Our cubicles are right in the middle of the office and there are people passing all the while. But from where i sit, i could see S had positioned himself diagonally opposite and was talking to someone. It seemed like the perfect place to watch me from. If i hadn't noticed him pass, i would never be looking diagonally across. I picked my papers and proceeded to the coffee room and i see S looking at me and rushing past the cubicles in full speed and suddenly i find him standing in front of me. The conversation then went like this:

S - Hi
anu - Hi, how are you
S - Better, now that i'm talking to you (smiling ear to ear)
anu - (i think i must've given away all my feelings with that wide grin on my face) so whats your name?
S - XXX (he is a muslim guy with one of those exotic muslim names)
anu - Wow, that sounds like the name of a Moghul Emperor (it really sounded like one and i almost thought next, he is going to tell me 'he' is the Moghul Emperor)
S - It IS the name of a Moghul emperor, the father of Princess Razia Sultan. Whats your name?
anu - "Anu" (i felt my name ended even before i started it) and wow you have an exotic name

S and I, both were smiling and we both turned and walked away. I went to the pantry almost skipping. I was thrilled on meeting him. My heart beat was faster and if felt a rush of energy in me. Its been such a long time since i felt like this for someone. So i was on cloud nine. But this feeling did not last long..

And there is more to S i learnt, when a colleague from my department told me that S had been pursuing friendship with my good friend "V' (who is now no more working with us since last 2 mths) and he had been pestering her to come to his house for a party. He even told her "my mom will be at home and there will be some friends. Why dont you come? Don't you go to discos and pubs? Please come". But for some reason V said 'No' even though S kept pestering her a lot.

Hearing this actually dampenned my enthusiasm about S. I had taken the print of my poem "the surprise" to give it to him, but i just tore it and threw it in the dustbin. I now have all kinds of feeling going in my head. What if S is just wanting a fling or something? What if i get hurt in all this? Do i really want to get into something like this? Okay so i dont know what S is upto with me and now i am confused.

So now i'm having all these fears and insecurities bugging me. Yet, i am going to enjoy this moment for what it is. Just appreciate him for noticing and his expressions. Observe my judgemental reactions about him but not let it prevent me from being myself. I need to be more trusting of myself here. This is not a relationship anu, (i'm telling myself) just some fun and just take it for what it is and don't think too much.

Then i told myself this: Look at a child. If you lift it in your arms, it smiles at you. Now if you put child down it may cry for a moment for it likes to be carried but it just gets distracted in something else, maybe the speck of dust, a cotton ball rolling or a black crow all what a baby needs to fascinate itself. The child is not cursing you endlessly when you place it down, not clinging on to you, just believes in the boundless endless joys that flows from the universe. It trusts itself.

I’m going to dare to feel the little flutter of my heart, the romance and the tingling sensations I’m feeling now. I will bring to life that child like romance, unconditional love in me. I will do that by being me and by trusting me and by knowing that, no one absolutely no one can hurt me. I’m there for myself and I’ll always be there for me. In this love for myself which i am developing, I’ll find the courage to say what I feel and also the comfort of being safe for I’m always going to be noticing how I am feeling. I will explore and experience, and yet come back home to myself every night, to a place in my heart, in my soul, where I nurture myself and see myself glow...