Thursday, June 29, 2006

rant

Nothing happenned with the guy today. He did come to collect the TDS Certificates from R and just then went away. So i wonder if this is the end of my love story.

Now-a-days i fulfill my dreams in my fantasies and my imaginations as they are all that is left. I can't believe this! I'm so pretty, slim, intelligent, sensitive, honest, lovely and (many more things) yet how is it that i'm not having any admirers. I dont have any boyfriend/(s). Even the slum dweller and the garbage cleaner have relationships. So does the ugly duckling and the physically challenged. I must be really something out of the world to be living like this. I dont want a relationship but i dont even have two boy friends (not boy-friends meaning lovers, just friends who are boys) with whom i can go for movies or go to the beach or just hang around or call when i am lonely. I'm losing my patience now. But i dont even have anyone here to lose my patience on, except this blog. I dont like coming home now-a-days, becoz i dont know what to do coming home other than sit on the net or listen to music or sleep. I dont know where this entry is going, writing all this is just making me more miserable.

I got my bonus cheque today and it is not making me any happier. I gave my money to my parents. I dont care what anyone does with it. They seemed happy. I dont know, i'm not happy. Not becoz that guy is not making any advances. I'm not happy becoz i dont know what to do. I dont have any friends. I want go for Superman and i'll be begging my sister to come with me. She said yes but she may change her mind any moment and then i'll go alone.

I want to kissed and hugged and loved. Sometimes when i am writing all that i am, i'm wondering if i wrote those poems which makes one feel that oh this girl must be so centered. But i just need to be honest with myself. I am not feeling fulfilled right now.

I dont have friends here and i feeling alone. Becoz its months now that i've even spoken to someone interesting even for 5 minutes. I want to heal my kidneys and i dont know how. How do i get out of these whirlpool of issues. I'm trying so hard to listen to myself. But by the time i feel "oh well, i am now begining to understand myself.." I end up like this.

But i know this is not in vain. I cant wait to see what's at the end of this tunnel? So far, no matter what, i've always got what i've wanted. And these struggles have always left me a sweeter, stronger, wiser and more beautiful person. So there is no reason that should not happen now. I dont know how it is going to happen. But i am sure the outcome will be something i love.

I just have to be patient with the process and make it as lovely and enjoyable as i can. The pain i endured when my first and only relationship went broke is nothing in comparison to what i am ranting about now. Infact that pain has brought me closer to myself. And that very pain has brought a certain depth and character with me. And what's more, that pain does not exist anymore! And the scars are dying too and my fresh skin is glowing. See? I can have the cake and eat it too.

At work, i am not having the appreciation and money i want. But i am having real 'work happenning'. Every day i am excited to go to work and meet people and discuss and offer them ideas and work around to find ways and means to improve my company's bottomline. How many people feel happy to go to work, eh? I'm very happy to go to work. Those days of being abused are gone. Now there is fun, laughter, creativity and brilliance in my work.

I know my health is not deteriorating. I know i can still go to aikido. I know at least i have a sister (even if she is in her own world at times). I know i have a good rick guy who can take me out of the thick of the traffic. At least i got a bonus (no matter how little it may be). I dont have friends but i smile at everyone at work and they all smile back (mostly). I get to listen to my favourite hindi song sometimes when i start the radio. I've the most loveliest eyes you'd have ever seen. And so what if my lips have never been kissed so very passionately, they still make my smile the most vibrant of all!

the drop of water

I wish i knew how to post links here in this blog. I met the guy in the poem "the surprise" yesterday at work. Oh god, i was dying to meet him. He was talking to his friend and he had to collect some TDS certificates from my colleague R who sits beside me. So he walked up in between both of us and started talking loudly to his friend. I was getting pretty distracted by his presence and all i remember is he advising his friend about some car in US and kept saying "oh it is so sexy, oh it is so sexy". I couldn't help laughing hearing him actually using the word "sexy" more than necessary and that too so loudly as if he was trying to say something. Suddenly my eyes met his, but he just stared at me for a moment and then continued his conversation about the "car" with his friend. Then he met my colleague. She had apparently not processed his certificates. But he very sweetly with the softest voice i've ever heard told her, "you forgot, didn't you?" And i found that so sweet! But then he just went away.

Oh god! i was so restless. I just wanted to go upto him and say what i have been practising and rehearsing to say since last friday when that "surprise" incident happenned. I wanted to say to him, "I loved what you said to me and i wrote a poem about it. I would like to share that poem with you." I asked my colleague R and told her what happenned between the guy and me. She could not help laughing and said she can keep making him come to her as long as i wanted as she is processing his TDS certificates. LOL we both laughed. But she told me, he is going for the day. Oh man! i felt so sad. All i wanted was to tell him what i felt.

Anyways the juice maker guy P, is very fond of me. Last week he came to invite me for his wedding. So in the afternoon i put a hundred ruppee note in an envelope to gift it to Pravin. Then i went down to the cafeteria in the 2nd floor taking the stairs to give this to P. Who is a lovely shy boy, extremely sweet and adorable. I feel he likes me too as he charges me only half of what he does to anyone LOL. And no matter what, never takes a rupee more from me. Also he has this sweet smile when he sees me.

And when i was done with that and i was coming up the stairs again, guess what happenned? I met this guy again and god, i was shocked for a second. All the while i'd been looking for him and he was not there and when i think he has gone home, he casually arrives with tapes. He smiled asking his trademark statement "how are you" and in my state of confusion i said "Hi, i wanted to tell you that....(stammerring)...(fingers drumming on the wall).....i'm fine" (Oh shit, what am i saying, i thought in my mind). He had this strange smile on his face and he looked so relaxed there i felt like a bunch of nerves.

So before he could run away,i managed to mutter, "Oh no that is not what i wanted to say (there i go again, why do i do these things, sigh). I then ended up saying this, "I really liked what you said that day" . Now this guy had a serious look on his face and his eyes rolled up as if he was thinking what i meant by that and what he had said. I continued, "the comment you made that day, i really liked it" By now he figured out what i was talking about and smiled and blushed and started to turn away and walk away (and i was thinking, oh god he is walking away, why is going away). And i managed to add this "oh well, how many times do you get to hear an interesting comment like that!". He just smiled and ran away and i pretended to be in a hury too.

Later i saw him somewhere else in the office and he just looked at me and smiled and looked down. Oh god, i so wanted to talk to him. My colleague R asked me "why dont you invite him for tea". I dont know i feel he will just figure out how restless and desperate i am and might make fun of me or run away. I'm really having a huge crush on him. But right now i'm late for work and it is ab out to rain heavily here. I better rush.

But having said all this, i know this may turn to nothing, yet this little incident did bring a flutter to my dead dry life and i appreciate it for what it is. Even if it is just a drop of water, at least it for a moment quenched my thirst of a connection which i really felt, for the two cents that it is worth!

Thursday, June 22, 2006

the making of the me

Everytime i write a post, since last two days, my computer gets hung and i lose it. *sigh* Well, okay, at least i have a computer and it works. So let me count my blessings today.

At work, the people who i've been working with are raving about how brilliant i am and how they are totally blown away by the methods suggested by me (after studying their function) to improve their processes and increase their productivity and thereby help them meet their targets and add to the company's bottom line. One Business Head calculated and told me i'm saving millions of dollars i for my company as that is what a E&Y or PWC would charge. To add to this, he also told me that the company got away by giving me a mere 17% raise (which is what i get when i get a promotion) when i should be getting something far better. And he named a couple of guys and said, they do 10% of what you're doing and they are gettng so rich. Now i knew this. Just did not want to mull over it so when i did get my letter, i tried to be as happy as possible and forget the rest.

Now this discussion triggerred all my feelings. And i am feeling miserable now. And i don't like that i am not feeling good. More than the fact that the company has been unfair to me despite my brilliance or that i am losing out so much of everything, in comparison to others, what was disturbing me most was that, all it took for me to lose my peace and for my mind to fall into pieces is a few minutes. My bliss which i'd treasured so carefully in my heart was gone in moments.

I noticed these feelings of discomfort, stress, powerlessness and victimization entering my heart and as i struggled to close the door, they seeped in from under the door. I could feel it. I was breathing faster. My bright radiant smile had dissapeared. As i struggled with myself, i remembered the cool breeze, the green leaves, the blade of grass, fallen petals and the crumpled flowers and breathed inspiration from them. I wrote the poem "Bedazzled".

No matter what the reason be, nothing is more important than my peace of mind and the joy which radiates from my face and fills my heart. Nobody, absolutely nobody can make me feel like shit. Not my company, not my friends, not my bosses, not my boy-friend, not my kidneys and not even myself. The blade of grass dances with the same passion in the shores of the lake as it does in the smelly gutters. The gutter, the drainage, the garbage, people spitting and pissing on it, cannot make it feel any less than its glorious miraculous joyful self. So why should i feel any less?

I'm raising my vibration high...higher than anyone including myself can ever reach. I'm soaring high above the sky. I am feeling joyful. In that joy, i am complete, perfect with all my imperfections. I dont need any props in the form of health, wealth, etc to make me feel joyful and at bliss.

As i write this, I feel
as carefree as the feather falling perfectly in a distracted zig-zak manner,
as excited as the forever buzzing bumble bee,
as blissful as the lovely silver white swans in the lake,
as joyful as the green grass which dances so exuberantly when the slightest of the breeze blows,
as peaceful and at home as the dewdrop feels on the lotus petal...

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

gratitude

  1. Since the time i wrote that post 'the drowning' below, i've been more focussed in myself. Listening to the deep feeling tones in me.
  2. I left for work with a mild headache but got so much accomplished today. I'm working on a document for one of our business functions analysing the processes and i had an excellent meeting with him. Since i've to figure out how to do my own stuff at work, i'm pretty excited at my progress. Oh, and my headache just vanished.
  3. I came back really late from dialysis at 11 pm. But i'm still so fresh. It is 2 am here, and i was reading and surfing all this while. I'll be going to bed soon to dream peacefully and cuddle with my pillows. I appreciate that i can bounce back really fast :)
  4. I love the music on wdky's blog. I dont know much about international music. So when i do understand or am able to genuinely appreciate it, i'm very excited. So i love the track you've played and that's one of the reasons i am sitting late. Becoz i kept playing the music not realising how fast time went.
  5. I appreciate the two-three people who read this blog and comment - wdky, anon, amrit. Thank you. I felt your fondness and concern for me. I am very appreciative of it. There is one family in which we are born. But there is another family which we choose and connect to with love, in this family, there are no rules except the ones we make, there is no need for committment and there are no expectations. Probably that is why this family is so strong becoz it oozes with pure unconditional love. I find such a sweet family here. Where i can share my deepest secrets, my greatest sorrows and my loveliest joyful moments. Thank you for being so patient with me.
  6. My finger has stopped hurting and is healing really fast.
  7. I received an unexpected call from a friend who surprised me and it was fun talking to him.
  8. I love my grandmom. She is one person who is so excited to talk to me. I just want to cure myuself so that she is really really happy and does not feel the pain of me having to go through the dialysis.
  9. My cousin sister D wrote to me and i love her letters. Some day i shall write more abuot her. Right now i like that i replied back to her immediately as i know she will be delighted to hear from me.
  10. Okay, i've a number of people who really like me. So now that i've pampered myself totally with your and my love, i can now peacefully go to bed.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

the rising

even as i drown
i know that i shall not sink
i shall breathe in the deep waters
float effortlessly
and be directed

the drowning

Yesterday I met an old girl friend "S" after two years. I thought when she meets me, she is going to be so thrilled at all what i have become into in the last couple of years. I was almost preparing myself to receive a whole bunch of compliments, including the ones for my looks. I expected her to shower praises on me saying, "Oh, Anu, you look so lovely, blah blah blah."

We planned to meet at a resturant after work and she arrived 30 minutes late. I just sat there in the restuarant, listening to my fm radio, enjoying my music. S arrived looking lovely as ever. She had gained some weight and she looked so good. Her eyes were lovely and the curly locks of her hair fell beautifully on her cheeks. As soon as she saw me, she rushed to me and planted a nice juicy kiss on my cheeks.

It didnt feel like we were meeting after two years. We did not feel awkward and at loss for words. Infact we both started chatting almost immediately. The first words of S to me were, "Oh Anu, you've lost so much weight". I managed to murmur, "Oh well, it is nice to be thin you see." I asked her, "tell me how i look?" I was thinking since i've grown mentally, maybe my physcial looks have remained stable if not enhanced, and the kidney issue has not taken away my youth and vitality. But S said nothing about my looks in particular, repeating
again that i've lost weight.

As we continued our conversation, i was hoping to give lots of insights to S as i had assumed in my mind that i had more deeper learnings and realisations than her. But, i was in for a surprise. S was far less judgemental than I was. She was far less critical too. She was just being herself, while i was trying to be the best of 'me'. She actually surprised me when she told me about how the guys at her work place were so into her and there were a couple of them, who had expressed their deep love and affection to her and even proposed to her. She seemed so direct and candid as she told me how she handled her discussions with them as she felt they were not 'right' for her and she said she would rather have them as friends. She seemed so positive, brimming in joy and having a strong sense of herself, knowing exactly what to say. I felt really proud of her and was in awe of her.

I also felt some other things, i'm not too happy to share. I felt shit about myself. I felt why the fuck i've this disease? I felt is my health deteriorating so badly, that people who meet me after two years only manage to mumble again and again that i've lost weight and cannot find any other words to describe me. Why can't someone come and propose to me also? Is something actually wrong with me and i don't know of it yet. Why am i so lonely and maybe approval and attention seeking? Look after all those great things i say and do, i also feel like this: a piece of shit!!!

I can't seem to see any future for me. I dont like my disease. I am unable to appreciate it right now. (crying) I've just had one relationship and it ended so bitterly and i had to deal with so many of my insecurities when it ended adn so much pain. I've been selected by two top multinational company in India, for implementing ERM in their companies around the world. It seemed like the perfect job for me as I could travel the world. They felt that i was brilliant and were ready to offer me double the pay and were so eager to take me on board. And when they know of my disease, they just drop me like a hot potatoe.

I just dont know what to do. Nobody knows anything to do with me here. My parents have totally lost and dont know how to react. My sister is in her own world and hardly talks to me. My grandmom is in so much pain to see me with the dialysis. My uncles who have the same blood group as i have, have never even broached the topic of transplant with me. They all pretend I am alright and everything is fine. I don't have a single person to talk my heart out here. (crying)

Yesterday at work, two guys from the post-prodn department were asking me if my left arm was 'burnt'. I saw the horrified expression on their faces and just managed to give my brightest smile saying "oh just dialysis" and one of those two handsome guys mutterred "yikes!".

I planned that i wanted to go to States a few days back only to realise that i can afford the plane tickets but i cannot afford the cost of dialysis abroad. Anyways i dont know anyone anywhere so even if i decide to stay on my own by doing meneal jobs, I cannot live long becoz i'll die if i dont take dialysis.

I dont have a boyfriend. I dont have money. I cant switch jobs. I dont have kidneys. I cant travel. My one arm looks like it is burnt. I dont like this lack in my life.

(crying) I dont like my life. I dont want to live like this. I just dont want to wake up like this tommorrow morning. Maybe i dont want to wake up at all!!!

What an incorrect title ive given to this blog. I'm far from appreciating myself right now. I know i can write sweet lovely words anytime but right now, i want to just be honest with my own feelings. Rigth now, i am drowning...

Friday, June 09, 2006

desires

Listening listening to myself. Is all what i am doing now-a-days.
Observing my reactions and musing on why i do what i do.
Missing the physical indulgence..call it sex, lust or love. That area in my life is strangely so empty. I wonder why.
At the same time, i am totally enjoying my single woman status.
I do feel if i am involved i will be very passionately into that man.
Probably not thinking of anything other than him.
So a part of me does like this single woman aspect becoz it helps me to focus on myself.
But there are evenings, when i come home and i want 'my man' around.
I want to run into his arms and tell him all the stories of my day. I want to feel his shirts and smell his scent on it. When i am horny, i want his cock to pleasure me. I want to fill his heart with all the love i have.
How do i bridge this gap between my imaginations and reality?
My imaginations feel so real to me because of the intensity of my feelings.
Yet when i open my eyes, i dont see him around.
What is happenning or not happening in my life.
Who is this person i am seeking so desperately?
There are many things / people i used to crave for earlier, but i dont any more.
I am not desperate or needy for them. So is it that i am in transition mode and will soon outgrow this feeling too?
The question is not only 'of being loved'...it is also of 'sharing the love' i have in me.
I have a huge capacity to love and give.
But it appears that there are (for reasons i cannot comprehend) no takers!
Yet those lovely images keep flashing before my eyes.
This is much more than romance. There is great mystrey and depth in my feelings.
And i am going to wait with bated breath and watch as they uncover and flower.