Tuesday, May 30, 2006

soulful laughter

Some of my lovely moments today which i greatly appreciate:
  1. I reached work really early today and it felt so good to travel with no traffic, breathing fresh air and being totally relaxed. I left from home at 8 am.
  2. I am training my team-member B and he is being very cooperative, so we are both working together to complete our project, despite the fact that our boss is highly pissed off with the management for some reason so he is very moody and hence less available for us.
  3. My team-member B and I had a good hearty laugh even when we were neck-deep in work. Throughout the day i was laughing and laughing for some or the other reason and that felt really good!
  4. More laughter as i went to the programing department to work on their risks.
  5. Lots of work accomplished.
  6. Roaring with laughter in the aikido class with sensei.

    Sensei: Did you show the aikido CD to the docs. Have they allowed you to practise aikido?

    Anu: Yes of course.

    Sensei: Really?

    Anu: Well, the doctors just let me do what i want.

    Sensei: Aaah, I see!

    Anu: Yes, i am glad you see now sensei *scratches my head*

    Sensei: So tell me my dear, has the doc let you practise aikido because he really thought it is O.K. or is it because you are so stubborn?

    Anu: Well, sensei no comments. *controlling my laughter*

    Sensei: Aaah, I see. *controlling his laughter*

    Anu: Well he has no choice sensei.

    Sensei: I am sure ; actually neither do I. *pretending to be serious*

    Anu: *bursts out laughing*

    Sensei: BTW, Anu? did you show this CD to your kidney doctor or your toe doctor?

    Anu: I cannot believe you're asking me this question sensei. *still laughing*

    Sensei: tell me, which doc did you show this CD to? *laughing*

    Anu: Am i so bad sensei? Of course to the Kidney doctor. *roaring in laughter*

    Sensei: You are really very bad Anu. You would do anything to be in class and learn aikido.
    *more and more laughter*

    I cannot stop laughing thinking of this!! But i am so glad that I am not going to be sent away from class ever again becoz of health reasons :-)
  7. Finally I came back home at 10 pm welcomed by light drizzles...oooooo it felt so lovely.
  8. A group of people have interviewed me on my life. And they are publishing it in their e-magazine. The interview was through a series of questions in the e-mail and it was fun and a great learning experience. I am waiting in anticipation for the release of the June issue.
  9. I also appreciate the cool breeze which kissed my cheeks and the dust which did not enter my eye-ball.
  10. I've been in tears since the last two days as writing for the interview brought back lots of painful events in my life (all of which happened in the last 3-4 years). Today i laughed so much that i drowned all my pains in it. Now, this is what i call as soulful laughter...when my body, mind, spirit and soul all laugh..healing me and blessing me. Me blessing myself!

Saturday, May 27, 2006

little joys of my life

Hell or high water, i want to continue this exercise. Of appreciating myself, till i becomes second nature :-)

My sensei smsed me yesterday "U never miss aikido class. Everything ok? - sensei".

I was thrilled to recieve his message. I called him up immediately and he said we have a dojo meeting and requested me to come to class.

I have not been going to class for the last two weeks because i stepped on my little toe and i have fractured it. It is just a mild fracture. But i cannot practice for three weeks. And on Jun 3rd sensei is going to States with his family and will be back only on Aug 3. I was feeling awful that i cannot practise so i just stopped going to the class. Sensei knew about my toe as it happened when i was doing a summersalt.
I thought maybe the teachers will ask me to leave since i've fractured my toe. They were nervous of taking me in class earlier as the doctors have diagnosed me with End Stage Renal Disease (ESRD). I thought that i am going to be in tears if they tell me that, so let me just not go to class while my toe is injured. Though i desperately wanted to watch if not practise. At least in spirit i will be doing the art i am so passionate about.

Now today i went to class and sensei seems to be really keen on having me there. He is not going to send me away because i have been diagnosed with ESRD. I am feeling so good about this. He has specifically told me i may want to watch even if i cannot practise, as i can learn by watching. I felt his warmth and affection for me. I apprecitate it. And i am going to miss him when he will be gone on a vacation. I told him that!

And i've also told him, even when he won't be here, once my toe is perfectly alright, i am going to go to practise aikido in the dojo. Even if there are no students, i'll go there, change into the practise dress, do warm up and a few rolls and some light techniques which can be done alone by me.

Frankly, today everyone was so awesome. I am getting a complex LOL. I feel the two week's practise i missed, seems like two decades to me. I am sending lots of healing kisses to my little toe on my right leg so that it heals fast.

And guess what? As i continue to make my moments as joyful as they are, right now, one of these days, i might just surprise my doctors with a clean report and a pair of happy perfectly working kidneys :- )

Thursday, May 11, 2006

promotion

Today when i left for dialysis, i got calls from work saying that the HR head has sent a mail with the names of the persons promoted this year and guess what? Your very own goregeous Anu is one of them *clap clap clap* Everyone is really excited for me. And i am pretty pleased.

Exactly four years ago, i joined this company and i used to be verbally abused by a guy called Ass (yes! the first three letters of his real name are actually that). He would not give me information to work and would confuse me..for example: tell me, the CFO needed the funds flow and later the CFO would come and ask me for the cash flow. The abuses and humiliation was so intense that he used to yell and scream at me and throw papers on my face. I used to cry every day at work. My ex-bf used to be the only one with whom i could share these tortures.

Meanwhile, at home, my parents were forcing me to get married to an unknown good handsome wealthy healthy NRI in london. It was an arranged marraige and i was certainly against it. So they cared a damn and would be more than pleased if i lost my job as then i would be totally in their control. So there was hell at work and at home for me. All of this stress and tension, was so unbearable that i stopped eating food and drinking water as i had so much work to do. I used to sit whole night at work to complete my reports and no matter how best i did it, Ass always told me that i was horrible and he needed it yesterday. I was terribly demotivated. He also would tell the CFO that i am doing a bad job and i dont know my stuff. And i was sitting late becoz i was so inefficient. So for three years, i've got a rating of 'meets expectations'..can you believe this shit???

And this is one of the reasons for the kidney failure. I was not born with a kideny failure. My kidney failure happened after 18 months of mental torture and humiliation. My kidneys failed in Dec'03. And i was put on dialysis. In Dec' 04 i suddenly realised, Ass has started again screaming and yelling at me and i'd begun to skip my dialysis too. I'd already complained many times to the CFO but he was a diplomat and a fence-sitter who did not want to mess his hands. But this time i LOST it. I went to the HR head and told him, i'm putting my papers but before i leave, i'm going to write to the home office in Los Angeles and tell them about this harrassment and also meet the CEO. This is not done and i'm not putting up with this nonsense.

It was at this juncture, when i actually decided to stand up for myself, even if it cost my entire career. And this worked. The CFO got promoted that year to the COO and a new CFO joined the company. I was made directly reporting to the new CFO and i was asked to come up with a process-reengineering design for the company. And we then implemented ERM in the company. So you see? I feel like i've actually gone back and reversed my past. The new CFO and the immediate boss with whom i work are lovely people. And that is what i want. To work in peaceful, harmonious surroundings where i can unleash my creativity. So you see, how well i deserved this promotion. But more than the promotion, the fact that i have stood up for myself in the last 3-4 years and i am becoming more of the person i am is my real earning. These are my assests - my character, my trust and faith in myself, and the fact that i like to keep learning.

Now, as far as marraige is concerned, no indian guy marries a girl with a kidney problem. Now how lovely is that!!! That makes me so happy and thrilled. So no more arranged marraiges for me. Who knows, may be no marraige for me at all! There was a time when i felt marraige is the ultimate purpose of life. That's not my criteria any more. Infact i have no criteria. I don't know what i want. I have no goals. I have no aims. Ahh, but i do have dreams...becoz in my dreams....i create a world of my own :-)

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

maids and strategy at work

  • Yesterday when i resumed work after four days sick leave, i didn't know that i'd some surprises in store for me. Firstly the maids who clean the ladies restroom seemed really concerned about me. This particular maid was really worried about my health. She figured out that i was unwell from my collegues. She told me that she really really wished me well for she really liked me so much. That was so sweet of her, don't you think? I know she feels a connection with me. There is something about me she really likes and admires, i can feel it when she looks at me as i wash my face and apply a little lipstick or an eye-pencil. She little looks and glances she gives me says it all. She has also offerred to get some 'neem leaves' for me tommorrow so that i can put them in the water before i take bath. I gladly accepted her offer. For i know she so wants to do something for me and i could not break her heart. There are these little special people at work, like this maid, a few peons, the little girl at the photocopy machine, the receptionist etc. who are really really nice to me and i take special care to treat them really well. I acknowledge their affection for me and reciprocate it back. All of this makes my life so special and far more simpler and stressfree as i have friends everywhere.
  • I am implementing an ERM (enterprise wide risk management) project for my company. I spent a lot of time studying and researching various models last year and finally we initiated this project. Through this exercise we will identify the risks in various functions, processes and sub-processes and then hold meetings with the department heads as to whether we want to absorb it, retain it, transfer it or mitigate it. Now the project has become a success and i did get an outstanding rating for this. But now i want to take it forward. This exercise will save millions for my company and also help us to comply with Clause 49 of SEBI and the SOX and PCAOB regulations. But for that purpose, i need the support of the top management becoz mitigating the risks requires their proactive involments. I need a champion at the top who will support me. My CFO (just one year young in this company) has responsibility but little authority. So he is kind of uncertain and is concerned about the sensitivity of this issue as tackling process risks also means a huge culture change in the company, which could also mean discussions, confrontations and lots of resistance to chnage by the department heads.
    So to cut the long story short, yesterday i went to meet the HR (Human Resources) head. I just walked into his cabin and told him i want to talk to him. First we chatted generally about the his growth in this company, his visions and then about the 'politics' in the company and the culture and how we can continue to survive despite and inspite of that. I must say, i'm really proud of how i took the discussion forward. I got his views about the power-houses in the company and then i told him the status of my project and then we decided on a strategy to take it forward. The HR head suggested i must speak to my CFO to make a presentation to the COO and the CEO and rope them in. Without their active participation, it will be really difficult to get the department heads to work on their processes. Then he told me that he will alsospeak to the COO (who is his immediate boss) and tell him the benefits of this for the company.
    So in short, i am all set to make a presentation to the CEO of my company and the COO. I want their buy-ins for this project so that i can implement it. I also then want to initiate this in our home office in States and 53 countries across the globe.
    This is a new development at work and i am really excited about this. Now let us wait and watch how this takes off :-)

Saturday, May 06, 2006

the men "I" love

Since i've been thinking so much these days. The sickness gave me additional time to just sit and dwell on my past and i did do a lot of thinking on the relationships (actually just one significant one) i've had. What went right and what went wrong. Since my motto these days (and i hope that this remains my motto for life) is "know yourself". I've uncovered a LOT about the kind of men i generally fall for. So this post is not about "the men" i love but about the men "I" love.

What attracts me most to a man is NOT his looks, his youth, his age, his charisma, his personality, his humor, his fitness level, his wealth etc etc. Well, while it will be good for him to have loads of all of these. (Chuckles) There is something else which really and totally addicts me rather intoxicates me to him(them).

These men are strongly and fiercely independent. Having a sense of their own self. An essence of themselves. A deep understanding of themselves. A preference to stand up for themselves (note this now: not necessarily for me). Men who like and totally adore themselves. (not narsccists; in a nice way in love with their own being...who they are). Men who are not ashamed to express their vulnerable side to me. Who are basically really really comfortable with themselves. Generally such men are non-conformists. They don't follow the beaten path. They want their own space. And they may prefer to live alone as they are NOT afraid of themselves and they dont feel the need to cling on to someone. They basically dont need anyone, though it may be nice to have someone to share their life and experiences with. But again, that is simply their own choice. Noone forces them to do anything. They are not tied or bound into any conditional relationship. They live life on their own terms.

Now such men have really powerful energy. I have had a very intense relationship with such a man in the recent past. And since i did not know myself well or did not understand myself and my preferences, i could not withstand the power of such a fiercely independent healthy self-loving person. Now, i'm not discounting myself. I'm intelligently analysing the situation. Because i am begining to know exactly what i want. We all take time to learn, don't we? The very things i loved him for: his independence, his love for life, his vitality, his romance, the light which shone from his face....became difficult to handle, as i did not have the same sense of myself.

First, i did not understand what went wrong or why we did not click and become like those happy couples. I went through the whole course: of crying, being in pain, frustration, angry, blame-putting, self-pity, then trying to gain sympathy, begging for forgiveness and finally i sat down to understand myself and letting go. It took a while to go through this process and reach this stage. But i think i've, during the last few months been really asking for some answers from myself. And i did receive some.

My Cough relates to chest. And chest to emotional pain and congestion. And this illness has proved to be one of the most fruitful (if i may say so). For this time, i've really managed to strip naked (myself to me).

I recognise that my attraction to these men is the "energy of love and trust" which they have for SELF. This is the same love and trust every tree has for itself, every squirrel and every speck of dust and drop of rain has. It is the universal energy of power. If there is any synonym to the word 'POWER' it must be 'trust and love for self'. I am attracted to these men becoz this very energy resides in me too. It is pushing against the walls i've built around it. It wants to unleash itself. It wants to surround my own life with it. It is not about 'him' or 'them' anymore, it is all about 'ME'. It has always been about me. Afterall, what shines back on my face, is my own relfection of what i create inwardly.

So, this post is bascially about me. How i am changing. How i am becoming more of the person i really am. How i am recognising that what attracts me and how to sustain that attraction, love and affection without letting it get bitter or trying to control it. And what are my answers?

Be myself. Trust myself. Look into me for answers. Adore myself. Care for myself. Love myself.

I am begining to unleash my own power in my thoughts, beliefs, words, actions, movements..in my life. I am understanding that, the energy i am attracted to, in these men, is the most powerful energy of 'love & trust'...'love and trust for self'. It is only when we truely trust and understand ourselves can be even begin to comprehend other things around us. Our only responsibility is to be ourselves. We owe nothing to anyone else.

And as i truely understand and trust myself, i will automatically love myself unconditionally, and this energy will be reflected outwards. And i will attract those kind of men in my life, and i will be in harmony with my atmosphere.Well, actually i am pretty much on my way to shine in my own energy. And i will share mySelf with the men i can connect with in trust, peace, joy, fun and playfulness.

And all this i am accomplishing, effortlessly. For when i am focussed in me, the whole world does actually revolves around ME!!!

highest spiritual practice

I am begining to really pay attention to myself. Listen to myself and understand myself. And i am uncovering a LOT of information about myself. It does seem a lot of work to get to know yourself...but it is getting really interesting. The more i know about myself, my own likes and dislikes, what i stand for and what i don't, i am begining to feel more comfortable about myself and that makes me feel more confident. I feel this is the highest spiritual practice i could ever practise. And undoubtedly, the most powerful one.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

cleansing

  • Since last friday i am a little unwell. It all started with a little lump in my throat which ended up in a cough. Now i have a running nose and a fever to top it all up. I havent gone to work since Tues (Mon being a holiday here). My tempreature still fluctuates between 99.5 - 100 degrees. And my cold and cough as of now seem to be just as it was three days ago.
    So while there is no visible improvement in my physcial reality, i suspect that i am getting a lot done in other dimensions. What i mean is, i've been working on myself for a long time now. By that i mean, observing myself, noticing myself, appreciating myself, accepting my creations and acknowledging all that i have. And most importantly, exercising my freedom in making my day-to-day choices. This work i know will sooner or later transform into manifestations in my phyiscal reality. What kind of manifestations ? I dont know for sure, but i know this: they will be happy, joyous, fulfilling, passionate and sensational and really healthy for me.
    So, i know there is much more to this fever than just a high tempreature. My body is trying to communicate something to me. It is sending me a signal and i know the moment i understand what it is trying to say, the fever will die as the communication would have been received by me. I am probably going through a transition, a transformation...What is at the end of this tunnel...is still a surprise for me. But i know this for sure, i appreciate the journeys thruogh the tunnels...for i love to see the rays of light, when i reach the end of it!!!
  • Today afternoon for the very first time in my dream, i exercised my own choices. I took a look and did exactly what i want in my dream. I did not give in to the automatic response where i agree or go along the flow with another. I choose!!! And the results: deep trust in myself and belief in my own abilities. Immense respect for self and other individuals. I also noticed that in this dream, for the very first time, i operated with a very high self-esteem and self-worth. I was just myself. This is a huge change for me to have directed my own choices in dream state. I know for sure now, that my life has changed forever!!!
  • I am learning to listen to myself and my body. I am enjoyin the feelin of lying in bed with a fever, crumpled bedsheets, medicine bottles around me, hot water flask, my reading materials etc. There are certainly some wonderful pay-offs of being unwell LOL
  • I called my Boss and told him that i wont be reporting for work tommorrow too. As i think my body needs rest and it is healing and cleansing. I respect my body and i want to give it time to recover. My parents tried to force me to go to work. They tried to make me feel guilty by saying that 'i will feel better if i go out and work, and i can always come back if i am not well". I just put my foot down by saying that, "my health is more important than anything else period." I am not going anywhere till my body sends me a signal.