Saturday, April 29, 2006

me

  • I had a wonderful session of aikido today. I love doing all the rolling techniques and i love it when the guys throw me down :-) Ahhh, it feels so good. And i so love practising with sensei. He is so sweet. I have a huge grin on my face whenever i am praticing with him. I am sure he knows that i have a huge crush on him. I love that i can fall for anyone..and i have no limitations of looks, age etc.. It is merely the connection and depth that matters to me. Oh, i am not romantically in love with him. I just love him for his energy and that i am so comfortable with him. I want to surround myself with all such people whom i love and who love and adore me too immensely :-)
  • I may be going to Switzerland for three days in the end of May'06. Now isnt that lovely? My company is taking the entire department. The whole company enjoys one foreign trip for 3-5 days a year which is just fun and lots of sight-seeing. But i am looking forward to meeting my sensei's martial arts teacher if i am near where he lives. And i look forward to seeing the beauty of the ALps and the flowers in Switzerland. I appreciate that i am creating such wonderful opportunities for myself to travel across the globe.
  • I am begining to like myself more and more. I am listening to myself. Observing myself. And making deliberate choices in the moment. It is these choices which will help me create the life i want. I believe that all that i need is in me, at any moment. I dont need to go anywhere and do anything in particular. When i am me, the whole world revolves around me :-)

Saturday, April 22, 2006

love

  • I got late for the doctor's appointment becoz my rick driver took the wrong route yet miraculously, time slowed down for me, roads cleared for me and i reached on time.
  • I further got late once again to go to my aikido class (10 mts late). The moment i entered, Sensei looked at me and nodded and the guys were smiling big-time. I think i looked really hassled and i asked loudly, "can i go and change my dress?" and the silence in the class was broken and everyone was staring at me amused and sensei said "yea" and when i came out he asked me to join immediately. At the end of the class, he said "the class starts tommorrow at 8:30 am so please be present on time." I chuckled. I appreciate that sensei wants us to be on time for the class. Infact i love that he mentioned it. Many other students get late, but he does not mention it ever. I am going reach my aikido class tommorrow at 8:00 am so that i can do some rolling. I love the feeling of going to the class. I look forward to it.
  • My grandmom told me how happy she is to see me. My mere presence brightens her face. She does not want anything else in the world. Since grandpa expired, she said she lives only to see my face. I go every saturday after aikido class to meet her. She is totally nuts about me. I love my grandmom too. I am so glad that she loves me sooooooo much.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

aikido once again

  • I went to the dojo on saturday with my dress. If they say i cannot join i will come back home, i thought. I went in the dojo and without even stopping to bow, i ran upto sensei and asked him
    Anu: what did the indian teacher say?
    Sensei B: (puzzled) whatever he told you
    Anu: he told me to come here on saturday
    Sensei B: (now smiling) okay so you've come now
    Anu: so should i sit in the corner and watch, and wait for the teacher to come so that he can talk to me and convey his final decison.
    Sensei B: (looking at my bag) have you brought your dress?
    Anu: yes; i thought if you guys say no, then i will just go home
    Sensei B: you may want to change and join the class?
    Anu: oh really?
    Sensei B: After you spoke to the indian teacher, he called me up and told me "i cannot break her heart, so i'll try to consult the lawyer as to whether we can accomodate her. Till then she may train."
    Anu: wowww.. thank you sensei
    Sensei B: wait, dont get too excited. I'm giving you the aikido CD, i want you to show this to your doctor and i want him to give you an approval.
    Anu: no problem, i'll show the CD to my doctor :-)

    I so appreciate that i am practising martial arts. I love this and i come alive when i am doing this stuff.
    I am going to accept and acknowledge anything which happens from hereon. I am not going to discount myself if this whole thing does not work out in the end for me. I am going to continue to appreciate that i did infact have a good time.
    My point of power is in the now. In the moment i am happy. That is what matters to me. In this one moment i am going to listen to myself and let my fears for tommorrow take a walk!!

Saturday, April 08, 2006

thrill

  • I appreciate the universe for handing me over to its most precious students. I am talking about my aikido class. I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEE the experience. Today was first class. My sensei is BR and he is a wonderful kind teacher. I love his energy. I met another american S (? and i can relate to him also very well as he smiles a LOT and that draws me to him. I love the feel and experience when i am in the class. It is like my whole body, mind, soul and spirit are all smiling, jumping in joy all the time. I appreciate that i have found my lost loves and they have graced me with their presence in my life, once again.
  • I cannot find my old karate clothes and my belts. I think it was given away (by mistake) along with some old clothes. I am terribly sad about this and everytime i think of it, my heart sinks. I love my old torn dirty karate outfit. But probably, the universe has grander plans for me. But probably, the universe is making a new one for me as i dont fit into the old beliefs (old dress) any more!!! So i appreciate my new thought pattern which says that i am ready for a new dress (new experiences and thinking) which fits me better. And what fun, it is going to be brand new too!!!
  • I found a shorter way to reach the martial arts class so i dont have to pay too much for the rickshaw. i shall go half way by rick to the railway station and the balance distance by train. So i save 1/4 th of my expenses.Now when i reach any station, i have to cross huge crowded bridges where lecherous men/boys try to sneak a touch or pull wrists and hands. I dont like this and i am a little scared becoz of my arm, i dont want anyone injuring my arm. So when i walk, i keep telling myself that i am going to be fine and noone is going to harm me. I appreciate that in the midst of all this chaos, i am working on focussing on my little goal to reach my marital arts class and the lovely experiences i am going to have there. These crowded bridges and these lecherous men seem petty and little to pay attention to.
  • I thank Kim for directing me towards learning aikido. I've been searching for a martial arts class for years now. I have a strange passion of martial arts. I cannot resist it. I am in love with it. I used to want to go to the shaolin temple and train there..i still want to go there :) I get charged seeing the bruce lee movies. I am certain that i have some wonderful and interesting experiences relating to martial arts in my previous lives. Noone learns it in my family and noone is interested in it. And i just saw a few movies in childhood and since them have been drawn to this art. What are things you really want to do in life? I am doing right now, one of the things i really really want to do...martial arts...i generate joy, bliss, peace, happiness and love in myself while i am with this. I appreciate myself for sticking on and finding what i really love :)

Thursday, April 06, 2006

martial arts

  • I found a martial arts class. And guess what? the sensei is an american. And he seems to be such a lovely person...centered and calm. What a relief. I am so excited. I am tired of indian teachers who are so beureaucretic. Who ask me 1001 questions about my kidneys. Who want letters of authority from my parents so that i can join a class. Just becoz my kidneys are not perfectly well that does not mean i should need permission from my parents for everything. I told them to Fuck off.
    Anyways, i am very excited meeting this teacher. And this saturday is going to be my first class in martial arts after many years. I had learnt karate and stick-fighting when i was very young. This is going to be an exploration in aikido. I have to find something to protect my left arm as there is a surgery in there - my fistula and the veins (on which the needles are pricked) and i am going to find a protective gear and be off for my class.
    I appreciate the waiting time and i appreciate that i probably have got the best teacher around to train me. Oh, how lovely i am feeling :-)
  • I was flooded with painful memories last weekend pertaining to my ex-relationship. I have recovered now and i am feeling so good once again. The bounce back time has been pretty quick this time and i am very impressed with myself. I spent my entire sunday working on myself and focussing my attention on 'me' and asking myself 'what am i feeling'. 'what in me is causing me to feel this'. And i have been bringing back my attention to self every time i focus outside of myself -- be it my exbf or my boss or my job or anything. I make it a point to not dwell on it for more than 2-3 minutes. I bring my focus back to myself. I appreciate the the time and effort i am spending on refining myself and unleashing my inner power and peace. I appreciate that this 'feeling good' factor matters to me so much now that i cannot spend a moment in pain. I am genuinely progressing in making love with myself.
  • My HR head has negotiated with the insurance company to offer me a cashless facility. At the hospital my doctor immediately gave me a certificate which the insurance company required. Everything is so easy when i am focussed in myself. The universe takes care of everything. I appreciate and allow all the gifts of the universe to flow into me.

Monday, April 03, 2006

laugh

  • I woke up really energised after all the listening i did yesterday. During my sleep i felt like white light was passing through my body and i remember feeling a tingling sensation at night. And guess what? despite the fact that i've been under so much stress the weekend, my bloodpressure was perfectly normal 120/80. This has something to do with the listening to myself which i did yesterday.
  • My rick guy was here in the morning. Wow, i was so glad. I dont have to give any directions to him, he knows the way and i love his rash driving ;-) he speeds through the traffic like a jet air plane.
  • I watch a laughter programme 'Just for Gags' while in dialysis. It has little jokes cracked on the people with a hidden camera. Today i was laughing so loud, all the nurses & technicians were gathered around me and soon they were all in splits too. And one guy who is really fond of me, asked me mischiviously 'anu, what are you laughing at?'. I began to explain the joke to him, still bursting out laughing. While he kept looking into my eyes and finally interrupted me and said, 'we'r not laughing becoz of the programme anu, we are laughing seeing you laugh. you keep laughing, that's all we want. we love that our dialysis ward is filled with your innocent fun and laughter." I am so touched :-)

Sunday, April 02, 2006

wounds & scratches

Spent the whole day working on myself. What do i mean, when i keep saying 'i'm working on myself'. I am in pain. I cry. I am missing someone. I long to be held right now. I want to feel love. I want to love. I want to be loved.--- I am dealing with all these feelings. Is what i mean by working on myself. There are no 2-minute solutions to these challenges of finding self. There are no short-cuts here. So i have been yelling and screaming in silence, crying, begging my inner self to come out and guide me. Wanting help from the universe and guarding myself from 'any straying thoughts' for the whole day.

I am so hyper sensitive right now, the mere look of a purse i was gifted by my ex could bring me to tears. But, i did manage to clean the last shelf of my closet which has many items he gifted me and i am still alive. Though i dont know how dead i am pyschically.

I appreciate my feelings --- even the sad, lonely, desperate ones. I appreciate my sensitivity to love. I appreciate my cravings, they have the power to take over my life (which i know is far less desirable) nevertheless i still appreciate it. I appreciate that i am still holding on to me. I am still reading and listening to myself. Trying to uncover what my deepest emotions are communicating to me. I appreciate my will-power and my determination to seek joy even in the midst of sadness.

I am nervous of the next moment. I am scared of the pain and the sufferring i am going through. I am scared of the hurt. I am scared of the feeling of rejection and abandonment. I am still scared of being mis-understood by closest friends. I am scared so much that i am guarding myself of even the slightest negative thought as i am scared of the consequences. I appreciate my nervousness and the tension. They are here to communicate something to me. I am listening to them too intently.

Today my appreciations of life are so different from the other days. I appreciate the sacredness of this day. When i accept and appreciate every feeling in me, my vibration improves just a bit. It is these bits which matter, which slowly turn the wheel. Becoz in accepting myself as i am, i am being totally present in this moment. I am being totally aware of myself. It is in these moments that changes happen, magically and mystical. They are already happenning in me, right now, right here as i type these words. Their positive manifestations will appear in my life pretty soon.

While that happens, i appreciate the wounds and the scartches, they have a meaning..which i know i will unfold soon..

Saturday, April 01, 2006

valley

  • I was facing serious problems in getting my insurance claim reimbursement from my company. I had to do so much follow up within the company after the cheque reaches the Admininstration guy. Yesterday i decided i want to do this for myself. I've begun my quest to love myself. And i am going to stand up for myself. So i went to made a list of points for discussion and went to my HR head and told him my issues. I also gave him a probable solution to put me on a 'cashless facility'. I requested him to negotiate with the insurance company to put me on 'cashless facility' on the grounds that dialysis is equal to hospitalisation as per the Income Tax Act and other Health Acts. He gave me a favourable response to my issues and asked me to mail the details to him promising to look into it. I love that i can negotiate and carry on a discussion pretty well and i am really good at convincing people of my point of view.
  • I went for this lovely english movie (made in india) called 'Being Cyrus'. It is about a disturbed parsi family and i absolutely loved the movie and the central character 'Cyrus'. In fact i can relate to his personality and the mental agony he goes through at various points of life and how he finally manages a break through.
  • I went to the mall, where i saw many lovebirds and couples. I have been feeling restless and miserable since then. My loneliness is killing me. I havent dated a guy my entire life except my ex-bf and that was only for a couple of days when i met him. Sometimes i wonder if i am myself mentally disturbed. How could i be like this? Living like a vegetable. Then i remind myself, that i cannot call out for a man in my life out of 'lack', it has to come out of 'joy'. The joy of merely being alive. There is nothing more need for having a thrill in my life. My joy should first come from me. Other things and persons will follow soon..