Friday, March 31, 2006

myself

  • I have been working the whole day in accepting myself as i am in the moment and being graceful for what i have. In the middle of the early morning traffic, i refused to get stressed and thereby cause harm to my body, mind, soul and spirit. During the day, at numerous moments, when i could so easily slip into the past memories and feel depressed, i refused to give into that feeling.
  • As i love myself, every cell in my body and every strand of my hair, my own power will unfold and my own potential will unleash.
  • I care for myself like nobody did !
  • I love myself more than anybody ever loved in this world.
  • I will take care of myself forever.
  • I love myself unconditionally.

unconditional love

  • I've been sad and distressed yesterday night. I have been feeling a lot of pain recently. But i love that i am so aware of all my feelings. I love that i am becoming more and more accepting of myself and therefore letting myself express even my anger, my slippages and my frustrations to myself.
  • I am glad i have the support and guidance of one person in all of this. This one person has been constantly directing me to love myself unconditionally. And knowing my passion, will and determination to get things done, one of these days, i might just cross over big time. I am not alone.
  • I have been praying yesterday whole night for the power in me to dawn on me. I do not want to spend a single painful moment. I want to unleash my own power.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

train travel

  • My lunch had my favourite curry. I love eating what i love.
  • My lunch always ends with a tall glass of buttermilk. This is my favourite drink. I love coconut water too but i cannot have it much now-a-days as it has too much pottassium. Other than this, i love water.
  • I took the shuttle from my work-place to the station like all other colleagues. Normally i take a rickshaw. But the total rick expenses for a day end up somewhere around $6 per day. And i cannot afford this anymore. So i've decided to travel by public transport - train. I love that i can with ease choose a far lesser luxorious mode of travel in the midst of the crowd, without feel sad or depressed or bad.
  • I took 2 crowded trains. And i had to cross huge crowded bridges. Some ladies in the 1st class compartment were upset with me saying i was standing in a position which was making them uncomfortable and so i should stand on the foot-board of the train. I told him i have no intentions to argue with them, i've had a surgery in my hand and i cannot hang outside the train. I love that i did not do anything foolish like that. I have a fistuala and i need to take care of that. My dialysis cannot happen if anything goes wrong with it. Anyways, i love that all of this did not agitate me too much or for too long.
  • I did not take the rick from the station to home but walked home. A walk of 20 minutes did me a lot of good. I love that i'm taking care of my body.
  • Everyone was staring at me when i was walking on the road. I guess i must be really pretty. And i love that i am so pretty looking.
  • Even at the end of the day, after all this train travel and night walk, i love that i'm still not tired. Yeaaaahhh!

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

what if...

  • My boss has recommended me for a promotion. I love that my work is being appreciated in my company.
  • Last three years as i was working with a superior who did not like me and he used to verbally abuse me. I did not receive an increment for three years. My present boss told me today that i am brilliant and that he has talked to the CFO and the HR head about the unfairness to me during the last three years and how i was painted black for no fault of mine. He has requested for a revision in my salary structure. I love that the universe is finding ways to actually reverse my past and change it! I had only dreams of getting an 'outstanding' rating at work. The universe has such grand plans for me...i will never doubt its support again.
  • The aura healer today tried to blame me for the kidney problem by saying that i did not obey my parents and this was their curse. I told him "FO" and i am not giving in to any such guilt. I told him to stop making me unhappy and blaming me. He then apologised profusely stating that i misunderstood him and stuff. Anyways i was happy that i stood up for myself.
  • I missed someone very terribly. I was just about to wallow in my depression when i decided to work my way out of it. And that if i love someone truely then the universe will take care of him and sooner or later either i will grow out of the love or that person will figure in my world. This is the new what if principle i am adopting. The next time i am sad or depressed instead of telling myself "Oh, if only.." or "But.." i am going to say "What if.."

    What if my kidneys are healed?
    What if i get a promotion and the respect i lost in my company due to the abusive ex boss?
    What if i am able to heal my relationship sector totally such that i have only love and fond memories and no pain and resentment for anyone, especially my exbf?
    What if someday i meet my ex and we both know, what a lovely person i have grown to be?
    What if i am able to travel the world ?
    What if i never have to work for anyone?
    What if i can go to the Alps for doing a painting?
    What if i am i can go to shaolin temple to learn kung-fu?
    Oh! how lovely is my world with the 'what ifs.."

    What if ....you send me some love after reading this ...and some kisses...and some hugs too :)))

Saturday, March 25, 2006

all my free time is for me

  • Learning to use every bit of free time i have for myself. I want to know me, understand me. Find out what ticks me and what puts me off. What i like and what i dont like. What i am really passionate about. And so much more.
  • I have started taking the train to when i have to go to the hospital.
  • Walk, walk, walk is what i did today for 1 hour and 30 minutes.
  • I got angry and upset with someone. Later i figured out what triggered me and i'm going to connect back with this person to discuss this.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

early morning thanks

  1. I've had a nice filling healthy breakfast. I feel so content and filled.
  2. Early morning and i can hear sparrows chirping and mynas singing. How lovely.
  3. I am eager to go to work and hopefully meet at least one of the managers from our parent company in Los Angels and make a presentation to him about the work we are doing here.
  4. I feel so gooooooooooood today. I am calm, peaceful and feeling really lovely.

let go of pettiness

  1. Yesterday i completed my work on process re-engineering and risk management in a major area in my company. My immediate superior was thrilled with the documents i produced. If we are lucky, we may get to present it to the Americans today. I am proud of myself that i can produce brilliant work and documents.
  2. I ate only healthy food yesterday, throughout the day. I did not munch in between meals or eat junk. I love my body and take care of it by eating good food.
  3. I was feeling restless and desperate. I was so desperate to call certain people up. But i decided this was a disease and an addiction and i rather centre my mind and focus in the now, than run helther-skelter looking for approval and attention outside of me. I love the changes happenning in me and the new choices i am making, not out of hatred or anger or resentment, but out of love and affection for myself.
  4. I wanted binder-clips at work for my documents. The admin guy arranged them for me. I want to recognise and appreciate the success of small things in my life too.
  5. I wanted to remove colour printouts for my flow-charts which i had made in visio. The CEO's secretary let me use his printer for a while. My job is important and i have the ability to interact with people and work my way to get it done.
  6. I had to send a courier to someone and i did it yesterday. I am responsible and do not procrastinate.
  7. When i approached a courier office, they sent me back saying i should get my own envelope. They were awfully rude to me. I was just about to take it personally, when i told myself - it is o.k. Today i got the envelope to put the package in and went to the same courier company. I met a different set of people and they were so nice to me. They gave me a huge discount. And were highly accomodating. I am learning from this to not take things to heart, not judge, let go of petty issues and continue to smile and walk on.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

lovely sun-day

  1. Was woken up by the sun and dancing green leaves. Nature loves me.
  2. Had an early lunch at 12pm. Finally i am eating early on a sunday.
  3. Lovely afternoon nap looking at the trees and leaves from where i slept.
  4. I felt i was in the swis alps as i read Heidi.
  5. Dreamt about the guy whom i had a crush on when i was a teen. It was nice to reconnect with him.
  6. Lovely bath with scented essence. I love the way my skin feels now..just like butter.
  7. I found that we have been using essence sticks of the night flower which visits me with her fragrance every night. What a fantastic coincidence.
  8. Yoga for my body.
  9. Delightful dinner.
  10. Amazing buttermilk made from butter. I love this white drink.
  11. I brushed my teeth. Though i nibbled something after it.
  12. Going to sleep deep smelling the night flower and reading the second chapter of Heidi.
  13. My days are getting magical and my nights mystical.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Fuck off

  1. Had a lovely chat with my therapist about nature and life. He concluded that i was a hopeless romantic. I liked to hear that.
  2. Had an amazing time with my grandmom and a little baby.
  3. Made funny faces and expressions with the little baby - crazy thing i did today.
  4. My aunt made a lovely dish only for me. I really enjoyed it.
  5. The realty guy tried to push me around and pressurise me to freeze my decision on buyiny a house. Every time we meet, he tells me how much time i am taking and what a big fuss i make. I told when we visited a flat that i sensed so much anger and hatred in it. Apparently the lady who opened the door was so grumpy and she slamed the door on our face later. I certainly dont want to live in a place where the earlier occupants were so pissed off with life in general! So in today's meeting i was already getting irritated becoz this realty guy was trying to act oversmart with me. Just becoz i am a single girl looking out for a place, i guess he just wanted to dump something onto me and close the deal. Today when he tried his number again, i told him to FUCK OFF. Yeah!! (pats myself on my own back) i really did that. I am awfully proud of myself.
  6. I have a location in mind. It may not be so close from my work. And it could be really expensive. Maybe i just get a tiny room to sleep there. But it will have trees, nice people, no buildings built on stinking drains, butterflies, flowers and a healing touch. I am going to dare to search for a place i would love to go back home to. I can feel it. I can see it. It is right here. I can afford it. And very soon i know, i will be living in it.
  7. I can still smell the natural fragrance of the 7 month young little baby on my body...ohh how lovely that is!!

Friday, March 17, 2006

CRAZY THING I DID 1 - yelling

Today five of us decided to go for lunch. We caught two rickshaws (three-wheelers in India). I sat with my one friend S and the other three sat in the other rick. Then we had a race and as we raced past their rick we screamed and yelled "Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh" and totally stunned all the people on the road and the rick guys too. The other group of crazy girls yelled at their rick guy to drive faster and we asked our rick guy to drive even more faster. Finally we won the race and at the end, both the rick guys were panting and wiping the sweat of their forehead and thanking their stars that this ordeal has finally ended. HA! what fun!!!

the ordinary princess

  1. My marital arts teacher is no more. I used to learn ESKRIMA (stick-fighting and kick-boxing) from him 5 yrs ago. I am shocked. I just realised how much i love him. Rather, i am just glad knowing that i love him so much, even though he is no more and i cannot speak to him as a human being ever again.
  2. My doc is not very happy with my health progress. He says there may not be any renal recovery. The news has not sunk into me. I am not devastated by it. I dont know what is keeping me going, but i like my spirit whatever it is, i am glad i am not feeling the pain of this.
  3. I purchased a notebook to write my poems in it.
  4. I purchased two new books to read -
    Heidi
    The Ordinary Princess.
    I am going to love these two new books. I love fairy tales. Maybe i will gift myself a book every month.
    Tonight i am going to read 'the ordinary princess'.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Happy Holi

  1. Today we celebrate Holi in India which is a festival of lights and colors. It is a day of new begininings. And just for today i am going to not dwell in anything negative. I probably may not be able to stop the negative or sad or angry thoughts from coming into my mind. But i can certainly choose whether i want to wallow in it or not. So, here is wishing myself a happy holi.
  2. I feel so good when i do my morning yoga. It feels like i am glad i have some physcial discipline and something i do for my body to keep it fit.
  3. I celebrated a lovely holi with colours and water. The colour was turmeric and water was my shower. The more i naturally love myself, the more i am able to enjoy the sessions where i pamper myself..even if it is as insignificant as an activity called 'bath'.
  4. I sent greetings of the season to all people i know. This is a day of new beginings and i want to start afresh.
  5. I washed my clothes. I am working on getting on-line real time with my washing and cleaning activities.
  6. I enjoyed my time watching cartoon network.
  7. My grandmom loved the saree i purchased for her. She wears only cotton sarees. The one i purchased is polycotton. Yet she said she will wear it, just becoz i purchased it for her and she finds the saree so beautiful.
  8. I totally enjoyed my afternoon nap.

crazy exercise

  1. I found one crazy experimentation to do. For one week from now i am going to just flirt without any expectations of response from the other individual. I am merely going to allow myself to express my feelings. By not focussing on the other individual, i am going to focus my attention on myself and basically not think of what the other individual is thinking of me but of what i am expressing to myself.
  2. I did flirt with two handsome men yesterday, and i was least bothered what they thought of me. I enjoyed that i can grant myself the freedom to express what i want, when i want.
  3. I taught a friend (verbally) how to masturbate and worked with her on clearing her inhibitions about it.
  4. I had pani-puri yesterday during a function in celebration of Holi. Umm, it was wonderful to eat it after ages.
  5. I presented the saree i purchased to my aunt. She seemed to really like it and was very happy. I am generous and loving.
  6. I sang a birthday song for my cousin. I can sing from my heart.

Monday, March 13, 2006

half mad

  1. I am planning to do some fun things. Something really crazy just for the heck of it. I have already started thinking about it. I love that i am still alive and half mad.
  2. I loved the feel of my new pair of jeans on my legs. Such a perfect fit it is. Its sky blue in color. I love sky blue. I looked great in it.
  3. Now-a-days i am enjoying a nice warm bath with aromatic oil in it. At night i splash a little rose-water on my face. And during the day i smile from my heart. I am happy that i am not waiting for others to make me feel good, i am making myself feel good.
  4. I like the way my feet look after taking the turmeric bath yesterday. They look brighter than before.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

fun

  1. I went shopping and did not blow up my money. I spent hours window shopping and just brought what i really wanted. I like that i am not a spend-thrift.
  2. I love my body. I healed and cleansed my body with turmeric and oil portions. I love to pamper myself. As i work on removing the scars on my body. I am also working on healing the scars in my mind.
  3. I had one of the best baths of the season today.
  4. I love fragrances. I am so eager to wear my new perfume.
  5. I can be fun to be with. I enjoyed hanging out all alone all by myself for one whole weekend and i loved it.

Friday, March 10, 2006

traffic jams

Too tired and worn out to write my list today. But i just want to do it. So long as my net is on and i am at home, i want to write the list.
  1. I diligently woke up to breathe consciously.
  2. I was kind to mom when the breakfast was burnt.
  3. I love the feel of fresh rose water on my lovely face. I love the fragrance. I smell so good.
  4. I love to cum early morning -- nothing feels so relieving than thinking of something so awfully horny & cumming.
  5. I wore the prettiest and thinnest top today as i had to attend a farewell party at work. I looked so nice.
  6. I love the dangling earings i wore today. They cost so less and look so good on me.
  7. I was stuck in a terrible traffic jam on my way to work. I spent three hours on the road where normally i spend only one hour. I loved my mental behaviour during that time. I was pleasantly so much at peace and ease. The air smelt so good after yesterday's rain so there was no dust or pollution or sweat. I was so focussed on all of this that i had no time to lose my patience and fret and fume in the traffic.
  8. I loved eating my lunch in the hill while still on the road. Felt like a picnic.
  9. I spoke to a new girl at work. She liked me. I like to meet new people.
  10. My friend and i had our regular 30 mt talk chatting about all and sundry. So good to keep in touch with old friends.
  11. Had a lovely second lunch at the farewell. Ate everything. No restrictions. There is a time for everything. A time to eat and a time to diet and also a time to restrict. And i love all times.
  12. Tommorrow i am going to go bike riding with a reality consultant who is going to show me some homes for sale. Not too sure about the homes, but i sure am so i am so excited about the bike-ride. Looking forward to it.
  13. Laughed a lot with my friends at work. I am making it a compulsory need to laugh at least once a day, to begin with.
  14. Went to check out a dance class to learn salsa. oh it is so lovely. I may join it.
  15. Peacefully sitting here and typing my lovely day. What more could i ask from life?

Thursday, March 09, 2006

rains

  1. Early morning breathing taking care to inhale enough oxygen for rejuvinating my body.
  2. Enjoyed the rains as they cleansed the earth and my mind and worked on removing the toxins out of my body.
  3. Lovely ride through the hill as i saw the wet musty grass, dew drops on the leaves, happy trees swaying in surprise at the gift from the heavens - the rains. What a beautiful sight!
  4. I looked really good today. Just that the bright pink suited me really well.
  5. I brushed my hair twice at work. Now that is something i really appreciate about myself. My hair is so long and straight and thick, it gets easily entagled just like relationships. And i enjoyed removing the knots and keeping it clean and straight, just what i am doing right now with my relationships.
  6. I got bogged down by what my boss said two days back. The thoughts came back again and again and were disturbing me. Since i am begining to get used to living peacefully and being in a state of grace, any disturbance does not go unnoticed. I freted and fumed about it for two hours and finally called a friend, but of no use. Till i just sat quietly on my chair and realised that i am focussing on my boss. My whole focus should be on 'me'. What i feel is more important. Boss does not control my feelings. I do period.
    And something amazing happened 'SNAP' i came out of it like as if i was hynotised. How lovely. This is the first time in such a short period very consciously i have choosen what i want to feel and focussed on myself. I really love that finally i did it ..even if it is only once, that i did it once gives me enough confidence that i can repeat it as many times as i want and soon it will be my second nature.
  7. I enjoyed my little lunch today peacefully sitting alone and looking out of the window.
  8. It rained so heavily on my way to dialysis i got wet. I was cold but what the heck! I love getting wet in the rains. Hey, despite all this i did not fall sick. So i like that my resistance has improved tremondously.
  9. My ankles were swollen in the morning but by the time i reached dialysis, the swelling had miraculously gone. I love that my body is responding to my feel good factor.
  10. My dialysis started really early today and i came back home by 9:30 pm. How magnificient. I have so much more time to read and write.
  11. I slept so peacefully without any distraction and disturbance at dialysis and i am so refreshed now. I am so fresh at the fag end of my day and i like that.
  12. I wanted to write just three things / elements about myself which i like but my list is getting longer and i still have so much more in my mind. I love that everyday i am seeing more of me and appreciating more of myself. Thanks to me.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

orange sky today

  1. Woke up at 5 am today so refreshed as if i have been sleeping for ages. I love to wake up totally rejuvinated so early in the morning. Especially since i had no inclination to sleep anymore. I seemed done for the day.
  2. I remember the last bit of a dream i had which was about a huge beautiful green hill and i seemed really happy in it. This is probably the first time my dream was focussed on a hill. Nature was the focus here. Maybe that is what made me so rejuvinated. Becoz somewhere else i was in peaceful, fresh, blissful nature. The green is so so familiar in my mind. I can also relate the dream to the hill i pass through everyday on my way to work. The greens there ..the green grass, leaves fill my heart with love.
  3. Morning walk for 30 mts. Actually i saw that god had spilled his strawberry shake on the sky at 6:30 am. There were parts of the sky which turned rosy pink. As i peered out of the window to watch it, i smelt the morning fresh air, it was as if something divine was mixed in the air. And it was going into my lungs and cleansing my body. I could not resist but put on my jeans and go for a walk. And what a lovely walk it was! I saw flowers of different kinds, leaves of different shades, relished the sounds of different birds and thought about nothing in particular, simply enjoying my walk with ease.
  4. My morning reading always always shapes me up for the day. It conditions me and i feel like i'm on top of the world. Maybe it does not last too long. So what? I am glad i start my day like this. As i keep working on it, i shall get better and this 'feel good factor' will stick on for a longer time and eventually become a part of me.
  5. This is the best part of my day is what i have realised. The time till i reach the work. At work my energy gets dissipated and i lose my center and focus. So today i consciously became aware every few hours of how my time is being spent and asked myself, 'my life is passing, is this exactly what i want to do right now?' And that drove me back to my assignments and gave me the determination to sit with focus and enjoy what i am doing. Do it with joy, not as a duty. I really dont have to do a thing. Since i am choosing to do it anyways, i shall do it with joy.
  6. A friend brought 'chole' for me to eat during lunch. She is very fond of me.
  7. I had a great time with my friend sitting outside a cafe, not really talking much but watching the sky and the clouds. The poem i wrote is exactly what i saw today. What a lovely treat nature gave me this evening!
  8. Today i felt that i dont need to keep having endless conversations with all and sundry in and around the office. I can remain silent at my own space and keep doing my own little work. It does not matter to me who talks to whom and stuff. The only relationship which is my focus right now is myself. As i connect with myself, deeper and stronger, i will easily connect with others. All relationships are afterall a reflection of the relationship with the self. It is the work on myself, which i am enjoying doing now-a-days. I am working in joy, with myself.
  9. I want to unconditionally love myself. I want to never give myself away for anything. I want to stand by myself. Right now, i have begun to like myself. I know i have a long long way to go. But i am glad i made a begining.

the chair

1. I love that i stood up for myself at the hospital yesterday. After my dialysis started, the nurse asked me to trade the chair i was sitting on for a bed just becoz a lady was throwing tantrums that she wont go on a bed. Once the dialysis has begun, with the needles on my arms and stuff, this is such a weird request. I figured the nurses were just unable to confront the lady and tell her that all the chairs have been taken and she should go on a bed for just today. So they were asking me to bail them out of this situation. I figured how much inconvenience it will cause to me and what if in this process the needle comes out? I flatly refused saying that my dialysis has already started and i'm am not doing this dance now between the chair and the bed. Let the lady go on a bed if she wants. I am glad i did this. I have started caring for myself.

2. I had a lovely morning reading some wonderful stuff. Woke up from a strange exotic shocking but healing dream. I am now a days in such a splendid mood every day morning that i get a brilliant start for the day.

3. I enjoyed the discussion with my boss on the appraisal. He did what he did anyways. But i did speak up and tell him exactly what i feel about it. And i worked it out in my mind to the extent that i am not really bogged down by the numbers he puts for me (which are not really so bad afterall!). And he did offer me some good advice.

4. Okay i came twice on the same exotic fantasy in my dream and ah yes i like that about myself..that i cum too on my own. Now thats a perfect example of self love...masturbation!

Monday, March 06, 2006

this morning

Breath is man's life force. I woke early today to do breathing exercises for 40 minutes. It is this conscious taking in of oxygen that is going to keep me going the whole day. I care for my body. I am working towards better health. I care for my kidneys. One of these days, i'm going to have a pair of perfectly working kidneys. My kidneys will rejuvinate as they see my love for my body.

I have done my bit of early morning reading about beliefs, my innerself and my own connection with myself. It is this little reading for 30 mts i do which refreshes me. I take this into me to take it with me throughout my day. I am reminding myself of how lovely my life is to be able to wake up peacefully, breathe, read, have a cup of piping hot tea and a little bowl of idlis (a steamed dish) and head towards work. Wow, i love my life.

I have long brown black hair. I love my hair . Normally i tie it into a pony since it is so long and falls below my waist. Recently, i have been getting so many compliments for my hair. I washed it yesterday and it smells so perfect. I am looking forward to letting it fall carelessly on my shoulders, even as a pony tail.

It is a chilly monday morning here. And my bucket of hot water is waiting for me. I love the feel of warm water on my spotless body. I feel like i am in heaven or have had an orgasm, every time the weather is really cold and i take bath. I am just a few minutes away from experiencing this bliss today.

wedding

I went for a wedding with my cousins and we all had a great time. Lots of fun and laughter. I know that it makes a difference for them if i come along. I am good company to be with.

I met my ex-boss in the wedding too. He greeted me with so much warmth and love. I was happy to see him and exchange a few words with him.

I met a boy of my own age who is also on dialysis at the wedding. A distant relative. I had spoken to him long ago. I spoke to him and we spoke of our lives a bit. And i suddenly realised how lovely i feel. I dont feel so miserable every single day of my life that i am on dialysis. There are downs but there are so many lovely days i have in my life. And i really treasured my self for what i am and how i am. I could see in the eyes of that boy desperation and an eagerness to get over this. And i thought to myself, many precious moments are lost in trying to wait for destination and here i am, in the same journey but i do notice the process and enjoy it for what it is worth. I so appreciate myself today for all what i am and all what i can be in any single moment of time.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

appreciate yourself

i see myself
in a different light
altogether these days

i know that probably
i am just another blade of grass in the vast green fields or
maybe just another drop of water in the deep blue oceans or
maybe just another moment in these million probabilities of time or
maybe another ray of light amongst the zillions which shine through the sun

yet if every blade or drop or moment or ray were to think the same
neither the vast fields
nor deep blue oceans
nor the different timeless probabilities
nor the zillion sun-rays
would ever exist

blessed and special i am
for i now know that
all answers are in me
i am my own god in the making.