Saturday, December 02, 2006

the parallel world

Today I passed my 5th kyu test in aikido. After the test, Sensei told me before the whole class, "Anu, I'm very impressed with your rolls. You roll fabulously well now. You should be very proud of yourself for rolling so well."

I've been trying this forward roll for about 6months now. I've broken my finger and toe bones trying to get it right. I also in the process developed a fear of falling as the broken bones were taking time to heal. Plus my left hand has the surgery necessary to do dialysis. They have stiched my veins so that the veins can be pricked with huge 21 guage needles and the dialysis can take place. Now if the surgery gets damaged, I can't take dialysis and then I can't live (according to the doctors). So I've been nervous about falling on my hand during the rolls and hence I've been flopping on the side like a sack of potatoes. I've been practicing the rolls since then very diligently during the dojo sessions.

Today I'm very happy with myself. I'm very proud of my accomplishments. I'm developing more trust in my body and its abilities. I love my aikido practice and presently it gives me the greatest joy on earth and heaven. I love it for the love of doing it. There is a certain delight and glee I feel when I am on the mat.

I'm so comfortable in this world of martial arts, of ninjas and black suits, of climbing trees and flying in the air, of kungfu techniques and aikido rolls, of knights and horses, of samurais and swords...a parallel world in which I live and I'm very happy.

Even though I know I'm not doing it all right and perhaps may never do it right. But is the spirit of it. That spirit runs through my blood. Yes! its in every drop of my blood...runs through my veins...

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Incredible experience

Nikhil is a sweet, young handsome 25 year old boy. He is always smiling and enthusiastic. He is brilliant and a medical student. Since last four years he is undergoing dialysis. He had undergone a transplant 8 months back, his mom gave him her kidney. But about two months ago, he got a pancreatic attack and the kidney failed. So he is back on dialysis. Just about a week ago, I heard that he was put on ventilator in the ICU.

I met his father and he told me that the doctor was doing a simple operation on this guy's pancreas as he was getting frequent pancreatic attacks and something went wrong. Apparently the doctor has admitted that it was his mistake that Nikhil is in the ventilator now with about 20 tubes in his body, having had not a drop of water for 44 days and unable to talk. He was unconscious for over a month. He has just regained consciousness a few days ago.

I went to meet Nikhil on Thusday after my dialysis. The hospital is very strict about patients in the ICU and ventilator. They don’t allow anyone inside. Yet, it seemed like the whole universe wanted me to meet Nikhil. Nikhil’s father was not around so I went to hand over the comic books to the security guard. The guard told me to go in and give it in the ICU counter. I went in and then the sister told me to go ahead and give it to Nikhil himself. I was nervous and as I reached bed no 619 I was breathing deeply. I peered through the curtains and saw Nikhil’s angelic face and he did not look so bad at all. I went and spoke to him and his whole face lit up with joy. He was so excited looking at me that I was hoping the excitement does not affect him adversely.

I had gift wrapped the comic books and with a note: “Get well soon and we’ll have coffee together – with love ” and I showed him this and read it out to him. Then I spoke to him for a few minutes and stroke his hair. And finally when I was leaving, he started to try to reach out to something above the equipment over his head. I saw it was the gift wrapping paper. And he grabbed that with his hands and kept it close to his heart!

I was deeply touched. I kissed him on his cheeks and left. Sometimes I feel glad that I went but sometimes I feel pain and a sinking feeling in my heart. Seeing life so vulnerable, precious and gentle like a little flower…I’m almost afraid to breathe in its presence.…

These lessons are so tough. It is one thing to write poems and all these various theories in the forums. It is another to experience them in such closeness. I’m unable to even discus all this. I just cannot express what I am undergoing right now.

For 3-5 days after meeting Nikhil I felt pain and sufferring, sadness and a sinking feeling in my stomach. I almost wondered why I, at such a young age, had to go through this experience of seeing someone as precious as this boy in such a state. It makes me so discount myself and feel that life is so very unfair and unpredictable.

Then just about two days ago, a friend wrote this to me:
"What a wonderful experience, Anu. It makes me remember "real" life is happening out there; these conversations, groups and get-to-gethers can become so - beside the point -.

You seem to attract wonderfully loving and expansive events into your life. Thanks for the peek into your incredible life."

I read this letter to myself and my whole perception changed. I'm moving in a new direction now. I am not seeing this experience as pain and sufferring anymore. I'm seeing it as a life-moving, mind-blowing experience. It is inspiring, pure, truthful and real...perhaps, far more real than anything else in this world.

The meetings with the world famous personalities, all the biggest and most exciting parties, the most handsome men, all the wealth, abundance, joy and love on one side and this experience of seeing someone you like struggling for life yet doing it with a smile and such a glow in his heart, on the other, I'll still choose this experience.

For the utmost preciousness it offers me. The truth. The purest energy of love and affection. For its sensitivity and gentleness. For the never-give up fighting spirit. I've learnt to appreciate this experience and see the tremendous value in it.

It is not about Nikhil or me or dialysis or the pancreas or the hospital or the tubes or life or death. It is about the feelings..which I felt and the little understandings which I'm absorbing about the subtleness of ourselves. I wish I could express all this better, but I'm at loss for any words to describe my incredible experience. But someday I shall find the right words too.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

reversal of the past

Remember that guy who used to ill-treat me two years ago in my company and I moved out of his department finally. That guy has left this company this month. The people who are handling / taking over his work are clueless about the complicated financial models he has prepared.

I spoke to the new girl and explained her all what I know and handed over to her all my old files and financial models. And all these people are astounded at how much I know about that work.The new girl asked the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) to transfer me to her department. The CFO asked my boss and he refused saying he cannot part with me else my risk-management project will come to a standstill.

And guess what now? The HR head called me today and told me that he’s going to talk to the CFO to suggest him that Anu may take up that guy’s responsibilities and he said he cannot think of anyone who could handle this profile better. So suddenly, everyone wants me everywhere.

I’m feeling I have been really really good then, to make this man so insecure that he had to resort to mentally torture me to save his position.
Who would have thought three years ago, that this very girl may be asked by very many people in the top management of the company to take up the very position from which she was removed. Everything in my life is reversing. I got my freedom to live. I got out of that traumatic relationship. I’m getting back that very position which I had to leave.

Now it feels like those bitter memories too will be replaced by pleasant memories as it feels like I’m reversing the past. Going back to the same profile but this time with greater responsibilities and with information freely available to me, cooperation, people wanting me and waiting to take me in their team…as opposed to a time of information hijacking, insecurity, lies, hatred, intense politics and mental and physical torture.

I also feel that maybe…my kidneys may heal when I handle the same profile but this time perform effortlessly with joy and appreciation. I’ll reverse my past!

Right now it feels like
no dream will ever remain unfulfilled
no desire will ever remain unanswered
no tear goes unnoticed and no effort wasted
the hills are alive and so are we
each moment is fresh and waiting to happen
and there will be garbage like situations all around
but it is upto us to light mud lamps in it
and glow in our own acceptance and appreciations.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

the Porsche

I've always been taught since childhood the virtues of being simple and humble. Perhaps that is one of the reasons I've not had many desires. But maybe that is also one of the reasons I've been really desperate with the ones I have. I'm just wanting those wants to happen and manifest in my reality so badly, for those are the only ones I've 'allowed' myself to ask from myself.

I've been quiet in the last few days, hardly posting anything anywhere because I've been thinking. I've as a result uncovered some beliefs about myself which I did not know. Once we notice the beliefs we're acting on, it uncovers a lot of information about ourselves to us. And this is the begining of a change in a new direction.

Now as a result of this trying to understand myself syndrome, some changes are happenning inside of me is what I gather.

Today morning when I woke up from sleep and switched on my computer, I saw this amazing wallpaper on the desktop.
A Porsche...and she looked so breath-takingly beautiful. I could not take my eyes off her. And for the first time in my life, for the very first time, I thought to myself, "Hey, I should have that car. The Porsche would look so good with anu seated on her lap."

I felt this magical feeling from this want. The energy felt so pure and fulfilling unlike my past experiences where my desires have always generated desperate, foreceful and discontentment feelings in the present. This time I feel empowered to go and fulfill my desire. As if I was telling myself, "Its parked right there anu, your Porsche, come and drive it away."

It feels lovely and wonderful to have desires especially when it feels like you're desired item is just made for you and is waiting for you. Something in me is changing. Perhaps I'm begining to allow myself to recognise my desires and reach out for them.

I don't know much about cars. But I love this car. I love that I've this desire to ride in it and that it feels so strong as if I already have the Porsche. It is making me extremely happy and joyful. The Porsche itself seems to say to me that she will delighted to carry me in her arms around. I don't know how I can do this. She will probably be costing a bomb. But right now that does not seem to matter to me. I'm not thinking of the hows or whys or whens, it just feels like my desire is just waiting to manifest...

and I'm feeling, very soon..I'm going to drive this Porsche away...

Wednesday, November 01, 2006


I've been quite busy these days. I've been working on the budget of my department. Perhaps tommorrow I'll have to present that to my immediate boss and his boss (the CFO). My boss is insisting on putting in all kinds of capital expenditure to implement the project in my company through automation. While this is a very proactive measure, I'm not quite sure of the outcome of this budget meeting. I'm SURE the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) is not going to sanction this budget. He does not have the powers to do so. Neither is the COO (Chief Operationg Officer) going to sanction this as he has other priorities.

So I am wondering if it may be a better idea to just create a realistic budget and get it wholly approved instead of presenting something for the 'heck' of it and have it shot down totally. I've tried discussing this with my boss, but he seems to be so kicked with this idea that he is not willing to listen. My fears are that in the hopes of getting 100% approval (which is not going to happen anyways) we might get nothing at all. Anyways I'll try to state this to my boss again tommorrow as I feel he is pushing it too far. But finally it is going to be his call. But I am already feeling embarrassed to do something I'm not convinced about - create and present the budget with expenditures that I know are not going to be sanctioned by the management. I'm not comfortable with this. I'm not confident presenting something for which I know the answer is going to be NO.

The following week, some americans from our parent company are visiting us for some discussions. The CFO has asked me to make a presentation to them about what we are doing in India. I've got to work on that. What a coincidence that today I got to attend a training programme on 'Presentation Skills'. The CFO had nominated me and two other girls from the department for it. The other two girls dropped out saying they had work to do. I went! I love training programs. And I generally learn something from it. I enjoyed it. I told them the garbage and mud lamp story in my presentation (topic of your choice) and the concept was well appreciated. I got some tips too on improvements - to be more structured and less dramatic (lol) and be focussed in the topic.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

the dance

I've joined a dance class. I feel I love dancing. But I am so stiff in public and can barely move except like a block of wood. Yet I see images of myself dancing all night and day. Many-a-times I've stood up to imitate what I saw in my mind, but I'm unable to move at all. It feels like I've just forzen myself.

Yet everytime the music plays, I see images of myself dancing once again. But when I stand up to shake a leg, I do a really lousy job.

So I've joined dance classes. These classes are every saturday or for that matter every holiday. Sometimes they may be also held at nights..late nights. These classes are held in my own little bedroom. Where I have not much space. And I move about alone in my own little space back and forth.

Sometimes I lie on my bed which is adjacent to the window and look up at the green leaves and the trees. The dancing leaves are my dance teachers. I put on the music and watch the leaves dance. Depending on the music, they move so differently. I stare at their dance performance for long still lying on my bed. I then get up and dance to the same songs taking my steps from the dancing green dearest lovely dance teachers.

And at night, I drown into my music and let myself loose getting totally mesmerised by the magic of song and dance. I go into a love-ly, light state of mind and just get up and move in my over-sized blue night gowns. Letting the soft breeze kiss me here and there. Let the (k)night be my dance partner. The stars sparkle through my dark brown eyes. Let the naughty wind knot my black long hair.

And when I've danced just enough to feel really full-filled and overflowing with boundless beautiful energy, I let myself fall into the arms of the lovely hard bed and fall asleep peacefully.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Garbage lit up with mud lamps

Its been such a wonderful week. I've been in festive mood. This saturday was Diwali, the festival of lights. And this wednesday will be Id. Festive seasons are so marvellous, aren't they? There is this fantastic spirit and enthusiasm everywhere. I've seen, experienced some really beautiful moments this week.

I pass through some of the most poorest localities. And in those polluted, crowded streets with traffic jams, I felt as if I'm learning some of the most valuable lessons of acceptance, joy, beauty and bliss.

I see people all around me doing what they can, with what they have and just being happy. There are lights and lanterns all around. Shops selling fire-crackers, sweets. I pass through some muslim localities and I see them all in the festive moods. Buying stuff, embracing each other. To me, I would feel, how can anyone live here? It is so stinky and messy and crowded. But then they dont percieve this as lack and bad. To them they are glad in this moment and happy.

I saw a garbage dealer on a lonely deserted pitch dark road, light a little mud lamp and place it in between the stinky yucky garbage. It changed my perception of garbage. It suddenly seemed to glow in that little light shining in the darkness. Garbage also has life. It was my perception of it which made me feel it is yucky and stinky. Now when I saw it in a the light of the little mud lamp, I could not smell its stench.

Earlier I had felt like, I want to reach out and comfort in situations like this. But then when I saw just a little more clearly I found that perhaps, the beauty is in his acceptance of what he is creating and (trying to) enjoy his creations. There was a certain bliss he portrayed like as if in his lack he found a little abundance in the mud lamp. His spirt and enthusiasm was so contagious, it spread to me and filled my heart

I'm learning to see abundance even in my lack. I realise then that there is no lack, there is no black, there is just joy and gladness. We have choices on what we want to focus on.

The things life teaches me through these little scenes absolutely astounds me . And every bit of this is real. To know that life, light and love graces everyone, it makes no comparisons and it has no favorites, makes me feel so beautiful.